Loveless Marriage

[blueraider]

Hi all,
Need some advice we have 2 small children but i dont love or fancy my wife anymore she has spend the last 4 yrs devoted to the kidz which is great but now i feel nothing for her at all, its really cracking me up i feel so trapped and the thought of spending the rest of my life like this aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, i worship my kidz so need to stay.
help anyone been in similar situation , what should i do ???:confused:

[LixyChick]

Welcum to Pixies blueraider! I'm so sorry to learn of your plight and I'm glad that you have come to talk about it! I do know of a reg. Pixie who has been in a similar situation...but I wouldn't want to "out" him here, in case he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I'm hoping he'll read your thread and comment on it for you! There is life after a loveless marriage hun! Hang in there and maybe my friend will be here soon to reply. I'll PM him to call his attention to this thread for you.

In the meantime...look around the place and get aquainted! We're a helpful and friendly (and sexy as hell) bunch! Hope you enjoy the place as much as I know most who come here do!

[Okie]

The only thing to do is to develop a relationship with the couple next door. I bet they are in the same boring situation as yourself. Suggest a three way with them. Your wife should understand this and perhaps do the same thing with the couple on the other side of your home. You will be able to compare notes and perhaps suggest ideas your beloved has come up with to inhance her own three way incounters. Just a suggestion.

[Lilith]

This is a very typical place for young couples to get to. You feel like when she became a mother you lost a lover. If you are attentive, understanding, patient, and willing to work on your marriage...I assure you that your lover can return but it's up to you on whether you think it's worth the investment.

[imaginewithme]

A marriage is definately work and it can get in a rut at times but it's up to BOTH of you to get somewhat of a spark going again. Not too long ago my husband and I were having problems and it took BOTH of us to realize that we love eachother and wanted to be together so we tried to do things different. I am sure having children would put a kink in OUR time, but there are things you can do together to help out, atleast I hope there is. You should both be happy and you should try being friends too. When you're friends, you can discuss anything. You never know, maybe she's feeling the same way as you are. Welcome to pixies and good luck to you!

[Grumble]

Hi blueraider,

I am the friend that Lixy mentioned and have been exactly where you are now. I stayed and it messed me up a lot.

I would suggest though that the first thing to do is to discuss it with your wife. How you feel unloved and not desired. She may not even know, which was what my ex claimed when I decided that I could stand it no longer.

I would also suggest you both go to marriage counselling and see if you can perhaps find a way to bring back the loving feeling.

Divorce is an ordeal that should be avoided if at all possible. It is hard on the heart, mind and especially the pocket. The ones that really suffer are the kids and they must be pretty young from the sounds of it.

Do everything to make sure that you can honestly say that you have tried first, then look for alternatives. Please feel free to PM me if you want, I will certainly lend you a receptive ear.

Good Luck

[LixyChick]

(((((((((Grumble)))))))))

Thanks hun! You're such a sweetheart!

[LarryL]

Dear blueraider,

First, consider hard all the feedback you have received from the intelligent, experienced, and caring people here at PP.

Second, I am in a similar situation. Talked about it with my wife, did massive counseling, and we decided to stay and keep working at it daily.

Third, think of love as a verb, not a noun. Love is more aptly defined as actions taken rather than emotions felt. Practice love until you get really good at it. In AA we say, "Fake until you make it." Perform acts of love, and love will blossom.

Fourth, I'm not suggesting this as a solution...well, maybe I am. Hell, I don't know. I am finding that flirting and fantasizing with the beautiful women here on PP helps. I can express my sexuality with them and feel a genuine response of acceptance and just enough to tease to set me ablaze. (If I turn to my wife who wants nothing to do with sex to help put out my fire, well, maybe...?) Mind you, this is all new for me, and I'm not sure where it will lead, but... It's a fun trip right now.

Fifth, loving you man. Ain't midlife just too cool? Hang in there a few more years, things and people change.

[Lilith]

LarryL~ Any time I see you have posted, I rush to see what you have said. I have not once been disappointed.

[LarryL]

Dear Lilith,

You blow my mind babe. Am I allowed to love you? Too late. I already do. :love:

[imaginewithme]

Originally posted by Lilith
LarryL~ Any time I see you have posted, I rush to see what you have said. I have not once been disappointed.

That's funny...I do the same thing. He says some pretty amazing stuff, that's for sure. If more people would be so expressive things sure would be a lot better, don't you think? HEY maybe it has something to do with him living in Washington. I know another good one from there.

I hope everyone is doing well and that this will soon pass for ya.

[naughtyangel]

I'm not sure there's much to add to what's already been said. Only those here at Pixies could put it so well. Don't give up on your marriage until you and your wife have had a chance to make it better together. I agree that love is so much more than an emotion. It really is something you have to work at and nurture every day. As my husband likes to tell me, you don't just have love, you have to make love, too (still sound advice even without the innuendo) ;)



And LarryL...I 3rd the opinions of Lilith and IWM :)

[jennaflower]

I can only suggest to you that staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children ultimately is no favor to anyone involved. The BEST gift we can give our children is for them to witness REAL love, compassion, and loving interaction between parents. Robbing your children of that will only result in them having relationship issues later in life...

just my opinion... for what it is worth.

[blueraider]

Thanx for all you replys still not sure what to do - a couple of things i didnt mention is my wife is 30 im 40 and we have both been married before our sex life was as hot as you could get it, but then the kidz came along , with no chidren from our previous marriages i think she put everything into them, but now i dont feel anything when she wants a kiss or a hugg its like the last 4 yrs has completly drained me of affection for her i have told her how i feel and now she is making a special effort but i feel nothing for her inside.
do i just carry on for kidz or move out ???

[jennaflower]

blueraider...

You have been honest with her... that is important.. You need to speak with a counselor who practices within marriage therapy... it may be too late to salvage the marriage... but hopefully it isn't too late to salvage a respectful relationship that can help BOTH of you move on seperately while being a joint team in raising the children... outside of marriage... allowing both of you to explore new relationships and possible marriages to others.

It seems to me that the romantic love that you felt for her has changed into a sibling/friendship level.... it is very sad.. but I don't believe it is rare for that to occur.

[blueraider]

Thanx jenna flower ,
Ifeel we are more like best friends than husband and wife now which is sad , buts thats life i suppose

[fzzy]

the love has changed ..... that means it could change back if you are both willing to put the effort into doing so ... sounds like she's at least willing to try ... a promising sign .... however, for that special love to return, you have (both of you) to be willing to do the things that bring about special love ... LarryL said it right when he mentioned that "love" is a verb ... an action word .... we deeply and truly love those who we serve for a reason, because we put thought and action into the event.

Some of the things that help us to love someone .... spend time thinking about them (in a positive way), think about the good qualities in your wife, think about what makes her happy and then plan something around that ... doesn't have to be big ... but if you do that every day or every couple of days, pretty soon you're likely to begin to not only think of special things about her, but feel special things about her as well .... give it time, spend the emotional energy to fall back in love with your wife ... you already know how difficult divorce/splitting up is, isn't it worth the time and effort to try to get back to love rather than walk away and feel the emotional baggage draggin around behind you, let alone the expense and loss of time with the children you adore.

Not saying this is for every marriage, but it sure sounds a lot like you find yourself not emotionally invested in your marriage anymore and not like you have come to a place where it is impossible to get back to it if you are willing to .... (though I could be wrong .... and you have to remember, I'm not married, so it's all kind of out of my realm of authority) ... Best of luck!!!!

[Grumble]

Hi buddy,

you said you don't feel anything inside but there must have been something in the first place. Think back to then and see if you can rediscover the things that atracted you in the first place.

That your wife seems willing to make the effort is a good thing, now to be fair to everyone including yourself, you need to make an effort too. I also like LarryL saying love is a verb, an action word.

If you started getting some love and affection from your wife and gave it back in kind perhaps things will change. I know you are disillusioned but it is really worth the effort to make sure it is broken.

I have been through a divorce and seen all sorts of hurt, especially my daughter, it kills me to see her hurt. But it is done and there is nothing I can do to mend it.

I would have fallen to bits staying in the marriage but I urge you to take all steps to make sure that it is totally broken before bailing out.

all the best

[BigBear57]

Once again it seems Grumble has so eloquently expressed the same sentiments I was thinking. Look to the things that brought you two together in the first place. Try to talk about those things you have in common. Who knows if you talk about sex you may find there's some common fantasy things you've held back that could add to the attempt of emotional rekindling. Whatever happens, I wish you both well.

[Oldfart]

You have to understand what is going on before you can deal with it.

If you (both) fell in love with this wonderful, childfree, lustful relationship,

it's natural that changing the field markings has confused you.

If loss of your freedom (the shackles of children) has upset you to

the point of not wanting to stay in the marriage, then you need to assess

what's truly important.

You need to commit the mortal sin of communication.

[quisath]

You need to listen to My Friend Grumble.

Open up to your spouse and communicate vigorously.

[JoyRider]

Although I can't totally relate to your story, I have been to a similar place in my marriage. I have only been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years now and I feel the first 2 1/2 years were almost without any emotion or communication. Between finishing college and starting a new career our lives took on different paths and it was difficult to get them back on track. I would say that the most difficult part was coming to the realization that there really was a problem ... for both of us. My suggestion is to start dating your wife again. Get away from the kids and take her out on a date. Don't talk about the kids. Talk only about your aspirations and dreams, your favorite activities or foods. This will help you remember why you fell in love with her in the beginning by reliving it. My other suggestion is to kiss her everyday. Everytime you leave and when you return. Trust me, this was not easy for me and at times I felt like I had to force myself to kiss my husband. I also feel that kissing really helped to recreate that bond that we felt when we first met. Set aside about 20 minutes out of each day to communicate with your wife without the kids around. Make this time just for the two of you. Hope this helps and I wish you luck.

[LarryL]

JoyRider,

BlueRaider, listen to JoyRider. She gives excellent advice.

For such a young person, JoyRider, you are wise in this arena. The kissing every day is a great idea, and it does work. I know from experience. Just this morning my wife and I were spitting at each other and snapping snide remarks a bit. When leaving for work, before I got the car out of the garage, I walked back to the door, opened it, and said, "The dragons should still say good bye." We kissed--not much more than a peck--a formality really--but, for a brief second, we touched souls, comfirming that we are still connected for better and for worse.

Ain't martyrs incredible?

[Lilith]

I can't say enough about finding a way to have a "date night" either. Every week or two weeks on a schedule, even if all we can afford is to pay the sitter and we just walk at the park and talk. My sitter left for the summer and we miss our time alone sooooooo much that we started walking the neighborhood just to have some time.

[Rick Forbes]

I'm with JoyRider and Lilith.

Parenthood is more than a fulltime job. It is the most exhausting, expansive, and worthwhile job many people ever devote themselves to. It was very easy for me and my gal to blink our eyes and find that a year had passed and that we had never spent time on ourselves or each other. Repeat this for a couple of more years, and two people can find themselves terrified of being alone together.

We have worked very hard at rediscovering each other. It has taken a long time to make very small strides, and we still don't always find the time to be together as much as we would like. A life with my offspring but without my spouse is not a life that I want to lead, either through actual divorce or through the "invisible divorce" of parallel lives, but it really takes a lot of work. I think that the progressive alienation of our marriage under the accumulated stress of parenthood and work would have been the default outcome if we didn't work extra hard to bring about another one.

Best of luck to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[LixyChick]

I'm liking LarryL's responses too! Not to mention ALL the intelligent and helpful Pixies I know and love! I can't add any advice...but I sure head the words of the wise on this site! All good advice everyone! Plenty of food for thought here!

[huntersgirl]

Some very good advice here as usual! All I can add is don't rush any decisions, maybe allow yourself time to not make a choice just let it all go and see what happens. I think sometimes we can overthink things and put pressure on ourselves. Whatever you decide the very best of luck to you! I do know first hand what a loveless marriage is like, but you sound like at least there is some hope! Try to avoid animosity, it kills a relationship whatever the type!

[pepsigirl]

i'm in the same boat. just don't make enough to make it on my own......so i stay.

[denny]

Lilith is very close to the heart of it. You must both make time for date night or whatever you want to call it but it is time for you both to re-affirm your relationship. Don't go to movies but rather dates where you can talk and share.

My wife and I have failed to keep the bond and are getting ready to call it quits. Over time we did not connect and slowly but surely we lost our way. We have been to therapy and I have gone for myself. She has suffered post partum depression and it set off a similar depression in me. I'm back from it but she is still fighting it 11 years later. The resultant uncontrolled anger has created hurt that cannot be forgiven easily and we both feel that sparing the children the discomfort of seeing us attack each other is very important.

I regret we did not have the resources to solve our problems and my counsel to you is to give it everything you have to rekindle the flames and make it work. Good luck, my friend.