How do you handle this?

[Grumble]

Just letting my Pixies family know that my love is having some problems that are out of her control at the moment.

I hardly hear of her at the moment and it is causing me some difficulty especially as I had someone that I loved for years withdraw from me when she had problems. I emailed Curvy and said that I was struggling because i felt excluded and that I wanted to help her through it and support her.

I got this reply

I know that it has been incredibly difficult lately. I would not blame you for any feelings that you may have towards me right now. Please know that my feelings have not changed, but my situation has. I am trying to hold on for my mom, my kids, and my father. My mother has had surgery on the brain cancer and she has been diagnosed with Paget's disease. My dad and I have talked about some personality changes we have noticed since the surgery (which is difficult to take). Starting next week she will begin chemotheropy. The outlook is very guarded. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. School starts for the kids next week, but I'm not sure that I can return to Montana right now. Everything is such a mess.

That was the first I had heard from her in 2 weeks and we have not had a phone chat in over two months.

It is starting to effect me a bit, I am worried for her and whilst I know she is handling a difficult situation, I wish she would lean on me for support a little.
It is such a strain being kept in the dark most of the time, living alone and waiting for the divorce to be finalised and then getting over to her in December was a hard task in itself without the lack of communication thrown in.

There is not a thing that I can do and I feel so useless.

[RandyGal]

Oh gosh, I've been gone for so long I'm not quite up to date with you honey.
Is there a reason why you aren't there already? Why you're waiting until December?

It IS real hard to lean on someone who isn't physically there, and maybe that's what's going on with her.

I'm so sorry she's got such a lot of stuff going on in her life right now, tough stuff, life and death stuff for the most part. That much attention to her life here might be what keeps her from leaning on you as well....the fact that she may not have a lot of time TO lean on someone else. She sounds like a tough cookie though.

I guess I'd just keep encouraging her to lean on you, let her know that you WANT her to do that if she needs to.

[Catch22]

Being a carer for my aged mother I can understand what she has to deal with. I am also close to someone in the States having a hard time. If you want to chat let me know.

[BigBear57]

Oh my friend, I feel your pains as well as hers. Such a tough situation. Being there with her Mum is so consuming. Surely she feels she has to be strong for the rest of the family and in the process has no time for herself. When I was in the situation with my Dad I lost all track of everyone else outside the immediate family. It's not a time one can distinguish day from night, you're "just there" As for your plight, I too had a long distance relationship halfway around the world and got disconnected for quite some time. It seems there's no way around feeling useless and alone. Her response seems positive but the situation is just tough as nails. Faith is the only answer my friend. It's not an easy one but I've had it get me through some really mean times. I think it's fair to say too you've got some friends here who are more than eager to help anyway we can. Reach out, we'll do our best. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[kathy1]

oh grumble, hang in there....i know how hard it is to be in your shoes right now.....i've been there myself.....keep showing your support and love for her....YOU keep sending e-mails and such......trust me, it will help her thru this awful time in her life, even if she doesn't get to respond like you'd like her to....."love is patient. love is kind"......i do wish you the best.......and like bigbear said, count on your friends at pixies

[LixyChick]

Sweety,

I didn't know things have gotten so disconnected. Her letter to you doesn't sound evasive or off-putting, so I have to assume she is consumed with the happenings of her mom, and I have to admit that would take priority for me as well. This situation you are in...though not totally unique, but really difficult...is the toughest part on you and Curvy's relationship. If all you can do right now is just keep emailing her...then do just that and she'll have a collection to rely on when she has time to read them and the need to feel close to you. From what I know of her, she is a pretty independent woman and maybe she just really thinks she is sparing you unecessary worry when there is no way you can be there now to help. I understand your feelings as to wanting to do anything you can...and you are by just letting her know you are there for her when she needs you. Keep in touch with her. The waiting has to be the worst, but it'll be comforting for her when she has the time to get all your mail. December isn't all that far away, but to you it may seem like years. Hang in there hun...and email me anytime!

*hugs*

[BIBI]

I guess the only thing I can comment on is.....Why no telephone contact?????
I am sure that even though she is going through a rough time right now the two of you could and should take a time to talk on the phone. I would try to arrange a call with her. A ten minute call could surely fit in somewhere and it would do so much to take away the angst you are starting to feel. Just my thoughts anyway.....

[osuche]

I disagree a bit with most of the comments above.....but will give you my 2c. Take it or leave it.


I think I would react in a similar manner. Sometimes the hardest issues just need to be dealt with *alone.* I am sure she does not mean you any disrespect, she just needs some space. Personally, if I were you I would let her have it. This situation needs to be far more about her needs than yours, and I think that talking about how difficult it is for *you* to be left out might have been a mistake. When I read her note, it seems that she wants some space.....likely has nothing to do with you, but there it is.

If I were you, I would send a letter to her home, if you need to communicate. Email can still be intrusive (at least, it is to me). She can choose to open or not open the letter.

I would also keep in mind that she will come back from this experience a different person. You may need to rebuild parts of the relationship -- 'cause these experiences tend to create damage to one's heart and soul.

Alternative #2 to the above....Try to chip in. She commented that she didn't know if she could go back to MT...even though the kids need to for school. Not sure if you want/can do this -- but you could offer to come over early and stay with them in Billings while she stays with her family. That would get you closer...but it is an awfully selfless move.

[GingerV]

(((((((((Grumble)))))))))))) and another bunch for (((((((((((Curvey))))))))).

Trust me on this one, it would be hard right now even if you were with her in person. We've had more than one person in my family die much too young of an early onset form of Alzheimers. My best friend here in England is watching her Mom's personality change as a result of mini-strokes that they can't seem to stop. Watching your parent die, or go through a brutal illness, is excruciatingly hard. Watching the death of their personality, watching them become someone you don't know while loosing the person they were, that's worse in some ways. Curvey's going through something I wouldn't wish on any one.

And she needs your strength and patience more than ever right now, I'm sure.

People react to these extrodinary situations in different ways. I know that when I have to be practical, deal with wills or funerals or getting a family in mourning fed, I seem to turn my heart off. It's the way I deal, I get through the practical crisis and break down when I have time. But it means I don't seem as loving or open or available as I usually am. I feel love, but it's all locked behind that big glass wall in my mind with the grief and pain. My guy is the last guy I want to talk to when I'm in those situations, ironically, because I so want to collapse into his arms. He makes it harder for me to be strong. It may be a flaw in me, maybe I should lean on him, but that's me. I don't know what Curvey does to cope, but you have to know completely that this is an EXTREME situation, and you shouldn't be surprised that she isn't being her normal self towards anything.

What she isn't, is your ex-wife. I totally understand your fear, you went through trauma with your last marriage and this may look eerily familiar. You're having flashbacks, Babe. Make sure you're not reacting to the wrong situation. I don't doubt you could write out a list of ways Curvey isn't like your ex. Please please please don't judge her current crisis by someone else's actions. I don't know what's in store for you two on the other side. And right now, neither do you. I don't think it's going to be the same drift apart you experienced before. The Long Distance Relationship makes it seem worse.

What to do? Be patient. Give her that gift right now. Let her know that you love her always, that you're there if she ever needs you, that you miss her, but that you understand that her Mom needs her energy right now, and that Curvey needs to be able to give it to her without fear of losing. You'll both be stronger for it afterwards, knowing that your love can weather this kind of storm.

And Curvey, if you're reading this, you've got my warmest thoughts traveling with you. I hope the storm passes soon.

G

[Lilith]

How would I handle it????

Well I would not post a private conversation for others to see unless I had her expressed permission because that is a betrayal of privacy, respect, trust, and confidence. And I would give her space. If she loves you then you'll know it. Sometimes pressing problems and life's issues interupt the process of love. When the situation is right the love will be there, patient and promising, when the dust of the world's explosions clear.

[imaginewithme]

I wish I had something wonderful to say to help..... but I dont.

Keep your chin up and I am sorry you're having a hard time right now.

Hugs!

[dreamgurl]

:hug: I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry and I hope things work out. I'm sure you will be fine, sometimes when I'm upset I prefer to work things out on my own......being there for her in the end might mean more in the end than being there every second durring.

[Grumble]

Thank you all for your advice and all except for one, support.

As most of you know I had a nervous breakdown several years ago and the biggest factor in it was a relationship where the communication was broken for long periods and it drove me to the brink of sanity.

I have learnt not to just let my own thoughts take control in this situation as due to previous experiences I get very pessimistic and depressed.

It has helped and I have settled down a bit and asked Curvy via email to give me a phone number to call so we can give each other support like a couple should.

Having watched both my parents die of cancer in the last couple of years I know only too well what she is going through and i am so concerned for her being the rock all the time and not having anyone to lean on herself. The last thing I want is for her to break down herself.

[kathy1]

((((((((((grumble & curvy))))))))))).......just felt the need to do that

[huntersgirl]

Just got around to reading this....Thoughts are with the both of you!((((hugs))))

[Sassy Rose]

*Great Big Hugs* Grumble, both you and Curvy are in my thoughts and prayers...and you can email me anytime or catch me on Yahoo if you would like to chat. I know you two will make it through this difficult time together my friend :)