Does the pain stop?

[Ranger1930]

just had the chance of running into my ex..
seems for one to find out she's already found a new bf.. 2 or so months after we ended.. but even more so.. i find out this new bf was the reason my love was not returned how i wished it to be.. She was torn between him and i.. said she never did anything with him while we were together but that she kept seeing him..

How am i supposed to respond to that? I know we are through.. but it would be a blatant lie to tell her that im fine.. or that it doesnt make me angry..

To think that my time.. the years i spent with her.. were a simple waste of time.. That i was just a tool to her.. WTF

Why do i have such luck... i never did anything to deserve such bullshit in my life.. i've never broken any mirrors... and the only heart to be broken in my recollection is my own? Will this shit ever stop? i get the feeling it won't and every day is just another serious of highs and lows.. the lows sincerely outweighing any highs..

my buddy tells me thats what life is..

He is 38, married - seperated with a 9yr old and 1 1/2 yr him and his ole lady are getting along well being seperated.. but anyways

he says.. it won't get better.. least for him it hasn't yet.. says same day you wake up to a whole new load of bullshit.. you have to deal with it.. and move on to the next day to deal with the bullshit.. Says its a downward spiral you just have to hold on tight and climb up as much as you can as you fall. he has something he has to work for however.. he can't give up he has his children to take care of..

i don't have anything like that i have no reason to just fall.. its so tempting not to just give up.... i don't see a point in this struggling.. so hard.. and difficult for something that isn't worth it..

[Oldfart]

Anger stays with you as long as you hold it to you.

You need to find a safe hole to isolate it in (poke your head in there every so often to

make sure it's still simmering) and turn your back and start living again.

That sort of consuming pain will only stop you from starting afresh with someone who

may be the lady who'll open your beers and change the channel for you while you clip

the toenails she can't reach.

Your friend (like a friend of mine) is in the middle of Hellwars, where kids and anything

else is fair game to be used as a bludgeon on the other ex. This is a POISONED place

where your loyalty to your friend is doing you no favours and will eventually drown you.

Is there anything stopping you from going out, getting mildly pissed, drunk, shitfaced

or alcoholly challenged, meeting a nice girl/boy/1977 Monaro (car) and having some

short term, mutually satisfying fun?

[Oldfart]

In answer to the first question, the pain doesn't stop, it just fades so far in the

background you have to strain to feel it.

PM me if you need to know how I know this.

[blkcat]

Great advice Oldfart,

In every heart there is a room
a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past
until a new one comes along.


Billy Joel.........And so it goes

Best of luck

[Ranger1930]

i appreciate the advice oldfart and blkcat.

just lately i've felt so lost its pathetic..

[WildIrish]

I have a question for you. You've admitted to us that you are still hurting. That you're angry. You also said "it would be a blatant lie to tell her I'm fine".

My question to you is this: Why do you care about her knowing you're not fine? Why can't she ever find out that you're hurt and angry. As long as what she thinks still matters to you...you are powerless to move on. Not that you should disrespect her or treat her bad. Just stay away from her, and when you meet by chance and she says "how are you?"...well, "I'm still upset over how things went down...see you around."

Sooner or later, you'll notice it gets really easy to tell her goodbye.

[Ranger1930]

oh it was pretty easy to tell her goodbye today.. but i think i was just pissed to the point that i didnt want to hear another word she had to say...

anyways i sat and thought about it
why should i care anymore what she does?

even if she wasn't true while we were together.. i left her..

i ended it.. its over it doesn't matter any longer she's got her life to live how she chooses.. i got mine.. and it definatly doesn't need more stress in it... specially stress like this..

Fuck her and the horse she rode in on... YAR!

[flywater]

Ranger, a philosopher once said "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger" (Niechze - sp?). I have to agree with WI and say that sooner or later it will get easier to tell her goodbye. One thing you have to do is to make the determined effort to let her go. I know it is hard to do, but it is part of the healing process. As to the aspect of the time you spent with her, Im sure that parts were fun! remember the fun feeling, not her, but the fun feelings! I hope my 2 cents worth helps a little!

Good Luck to you! If you ever need a shoulder, let me know!

[fzzy]

A lot of psychologists/psychiatrists/grief counselors, etc. believe there are 7 stages of grief and that we go through all or most of them when there is a loss in our life (not just death, but the loss of reliationships, loss of careers, etc.) Sounds like you've hit the anger stage (good news is that is stage 5 - only 2 more to go and the last one of those is acceptance = the 6th, however is despair, and it sounds like you are approaching that one). Don't give up on the world ... Yes, there are a lot of crappy things that happen in this life ... but there are also some really wonderful things as well .... From what I remember, you have a lot of years ahead of you to get to the wonderful things, don't rush, enjoy the moments as they come along. Happiness and joy can be as much about what you choose to feel as about what is happening to you.

I know it sounds sappy, but in the middle of feeling lost, alone, angry, hurt, etc. look for one good thing that warms your heart and cheers your soul ... it doesn't have to be big or monumental ... the sight of a daffodil usually has that effect on me, or the sound of a child laughing ... any child ... And let go of the hurt, anger, etc. at least long enough to enjoy the wonder of that single moment and remember it for when the hurt, pain, anger, etc. come crashing in at you. Wishing you every joy and happiness to be in your life at the time it will be best. (((((((Ranger)))))))

[Mark Vieth]

Ok dude. I can tell you that it took me a while to adjust to me and my ex-wife going our seperate ways. After we split it took me another 3 yrs to get her out of my system. I had known her for quite a few years and it took me longer than what I thought it would. Now that isn't to say that is what will happen with you.

If you do see her around the traps and she makes an effort to talk to you, just be polite. If she asks how you have been or what your day has been like etc, just say it's been fine or whatever and go about your business.

Lashing out at her in words will only make it more difficult for you. I say that because she will see that you still care for her and she may use it against you, just to rub you the wrong way. Then again she may not.

For what it's worth, don't worry about it. If she want's to talk with you and you feel uncomfortable about it, then just walk away. Make up an excuse and leave. There is no sense in thinking about old times. If it's over it's over.

I know that it's sounds harsh,but there is no point in putting yourself through anymore pain or humiliation by being rude to her. So avoidance should be the order of the day.

[boilergirl1]

let go of her as long as you hold this anger and despair then you will feel powerless as you let go think of it as sand slipping through your fingers and being blown away in the wind of time old hurt never ever goes away completly but you can put it in it's place and quietly turn your back upon it.
I encourage you to go do something frivolous and purely fun for yourself and if it should happen that another can be involved well great but remember what fun there is in just "being" with yourself . I wish I was ther i'd give you a big huggle and then push you back out of the "nest" to face the world in all your glory. you are a rightous human being and no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
good luck sweety bg1 :line:

[Cassiopeia]

Some things just aren't meant to be...as hard as that is sometimes to accept. I don't have much else to add to the great advice given other than to say I sympathize and I hope that things look up for you. :hug:

[Ranger1930]

Thank you everyone for all the advice =) it means alot that some people actually out there care about the suffering (i guess) of others..

And fzzy.. I think i went through despair and acceptance the same damn day.. along with the help of my good buddy Cap'n M. *grins* very drunk i laid in bed after another run in with her at her work (food lion) shoulda known better than going to that one.. but hey its right down the damn street.. and i didnt feel like going across town.. anyways was already half buzzed up.. needed more coke so went to the store bumped into her yadda yadda i ended up in bed that night bawling like a fucking baby... wanted to end it .. yadda and thought to myself.. WTF.. what the hell is wrong with me.. i'm going to end it just cause of some girl that didn't really give a damn about me in the first place? fuck her i got business to take care of.. and basically thats how i feel now.. I got shit i need to do with my own damn self instead of worrying about her any..

I do suppose it helps when ya find another one tho... Rawr =) really helps

hugs go a lonnnnggg way.. and kisses are like miracles

[Amasterfound]

Well I have been hurt many times and It hasn't gotten easier for me. you just learn how to deal with it. Find someone that will listen to you when you ned to talk and try not to think about it. And the most one of all is find someone that will love you for you. and will want to be with you. try not to let past relationships mess up any new ones or keep any new ones from happening. after several failed relationships I have finally found someone that wnats me for me not who they think I should be. You should not have to change for anyone but you.

[Loulabelle]

I know it hurts, but in time you WILL heal and the PAIN will go, if you allow yourself to move on.

I know it feels as if life is pointless and that you have more high than lows, but it's not true. This is going to sound harsh but you have more in life than the majority of the people on this planet could ever wish for.

You have freedom of choice.
You have a roof over your head.
You do not have to live in fear.
You are not hungry.
You know what tomorrow brings (even if you feel that it's only 'more of the same old bullshit)
You have health and live in a country where help is at hand if your health fails.
You have an education.

These things mean, that you're one of life's lucky ones....you're one of life's winners, and although you may feel peeved about your ex, think of all the worse ways you could have lost her: she could have been bombed out of the sky in a plain over Iraq, she could have had to leap from a window of one of the twin towers, she could have been swept away, along with your parents, brothers and sisters, house, job, car, friends etc in the recent tsunami. These things didn't happen to a different species of people, they happened to a person just like you and your oh so positive friend.

Sounds like you and he are both depressed, if so you can go to a doc for some pills that'll help ease the pain....just be grateful that you can do that. They haven't yet invented a pill that'll bring someone back to life.

My point is you can sit here and try to tell us all about how you are a victim and how life has treated you so badly, but as the song goes, baby you ain't seen nothin' yet! Be glad about everything that's gone right in your life, and when your friend starts on at you with all his doom and gloom, perhaps you could remind him that you guys are the lucky ones, even if it doesn't always feel like it.


((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[LixyChick]

Loulabelle said what I was going to say...in so many words. So, I'll just leave ya a hug and send tranquil vibes for this to be over with soon...

((((((((((((((Ranger1930))))))))))))))))

[Oldfart]

All of which leads us back to the fact it's not her making you feel angry, it's you.

You need to let her go right down into your heart, so you can move on.

The best response is to have a girl you like and who thinks you're great on your dick,

and let her find out with no prompting from you at all.

If you can't get her out of your head/heart, over-writing her with someone you care for

is a damn good remedy.

I know.