seriously confued girlfriend

[lonelyarmywife]

Ok folks, this one's alittle difficult.

I am lucky enough to have a very good friend that is able to help me out through this deployment. her husband is in the same unit as mine and her son is only a little bit younger than my son. Our situation is almost exactly the same. I'm posting this for her, but she doesn't know I'm asking for your advice.

it seems as though she is in love with someone else. it's not that she doesn't love her husband, she is totally in love with him too. But she confessed to me that lately she's been having feelings about this other guy so strong that she can't just ignore them anymore. They were very good friends before the deployment and things have just developed from there. They've hung out alot, and she adores him, adores his kids and he treats her well.

she doesn't know what to do. she doesn't want to be unfaithful to her husband, espeically now, and especially becuase of their son. but at the same time she is undenyably attracted to this guy and is having visions of being a family with him and his children. But she doesn't want to hurt her husband and is still inlove with him too.

She's very confused. And I'm at a loss for what to tell her.

LAw

[BigBear57]

Dear Heart all I can offer is the feelings of a man on the recieving end of the news of an unfaithful spouse. There is no dagger, no sword, no impact from a speeding bullet that can match the pain of being hit with that realization. It boils down to her priorities, is she more concerned with pursuit of her own feelings or concerns for his? Marriage is difficult even when both halves are together, distance only complicates things. All you can really do is tell her to make damn sure she knows what she wants before she makes a decision, once it's done.. that's it. I wish the best for you and them both.

[osuche]

This is no solution.....But does the fact that her husband is deployed have anything to do with it? It's one thing to be in love with someone else when you get to come home to your husband every night.

It's another thing to make this "decision" when you are lonely and haven't seen your husband in a while. It's very hard to prioritize someone who is abscent over a warm, willing, caring, and compatible person you see daily.

IMHO -- there is more than one person in this world who you could be perfectly happy with and who would complement you. I've met a couple in my life time that -- were circumstances different -- I could have comitted the rest of my life to. Falling in love -- and caring for someone -- is not a sin. And caring for two men at once is eminently possible.

The choices your friend need to make are (1) is she unhappy with her husband, or is it the immediacy of being near someone else (while being lonely) that is clouding her judgement? and (2) is it worth the tradeoffs to make this big life change? and (3) Is it better to wait and mak ethe decisions after her husband is home?

[PantyFanatic]

.....The choices your friend need to make are (1) is she unhappy with her husband, or is it the immediacy of being near someone else (while being lonely) that is clouding her judgement? and (2) is it worth the tradeoffs to make this big life change? and (3) Is it better to wait and mak ethe decisions after her husband is home?
The need to love the one you're with when you can't be with the one you love is well understood. OsuChe's questions are equally honest.

[fzzy]

Fidelity is always a choice .... not necessarily an easy one, but maybe she needs to stop thinking about her feelings of this moment and start thinking about how she will feel if she makes a choice to be with this other man ... how will she feel when she has to tell her husband about it ... who she freely admits she still loves, how will she feel if he cannot deal with it and asks for a divorce, how will she feel when her child looks at her and asks why daddy doesn't live with them anymore. When it comes to the hard choices in life ... I try to think it through to the conclusion and ask myself about the things I might have to deal with ... for me, looking myself in the mirror everyday thereafter would also have to be included in the possible future I would look at.

[wyndhy]

she's allowed to be attracted to or love someone besides her husband, but that doesn't mean she needs to act on it. but the dilema's solution seems clear to me....she doesn't want to be unfaithful so she shouldn't. if it would hurt her husband, and she does it anyway, then she doesn't love him as much as she thought. at the verry least, i think she should wait until her hubby gets home and talk to him about it.

who knows? it could just be a crush or fantasy that disappears after a while. imagine how she'd feel if she hurt her family just for a crush.

maybe you could help her make a pro/con list. getting it all out in black and white in front of her may help her see the situation better.

[lonelyarmywife]

I just feel very sorry for her at this point. She's got alot going on - even more than be because her little boy is very sick. She's lonely and alone (there is a difference) and wants some attention and this dude is giving it to her. I honestly think their feelings are valid and that they genuinely care for each other.

Perhaps writing it all out is a good idea. maybe i'll suggest that.

[BigBear57]

Your friend isn't entirely alone. She obviously has a close friend who cares enough to ask for advice before advising her. She's got it tough, but "for better or worse" entails a lot. Just be sure if something happens you don't feel caught up in the middle. I can't help but admire your caring and support for her. That should be an advantage, let's see if she sees it.

[Gekko]

I really cant believe that this is even a question. Not to belittle anyone in particular, but perhaps the last few generations. What happened to commitment in America? It seems as if it just dried up and blew away. People may say they are committed, but what they really mean is, "I'm committed as long as we're having a good time" thats not commitment, thats a pre-nuptial at best, and more realistically means "dating."
Why do so many get married these days? Because it's romantic, and "feels good" but if it doesn't "work out" they just bag it and move on to the next one?!?!?! INSANITY! What about the innocent ppl that are destroyed in the wake, personally, I find it disgusting that she is even entertaining these thoughts in her head if for no other reason than she has a CHILD with her husband. Unless he's beating her, or the child, or if he has been unfaithful, which is what makes her feel "lonely and alone" then what she needs to do, is cut off contact with this male friend. If she were addicted to cocaine, she'd have to cut that off, I'm guessing that she's simply addicted to the attention. I'm not saying it's not hard to be here, 3000 miles from her husband, no physical contact between them, no little kisses at the bathroom door, no watching TV with her head in his lap, just a phone call every once in awhile that probably drains and energizes her AND him. But there is a difference between "Alone and Lonely" and "ALONE and LONELY"
Would she feel "alone and lonely" if her husband was in the same room with her?

Because that is entirely possible, I've been there and it's a horrible place to be, and if that is the case, then what she needs is a love affair....with her son. She needs to get out of the broken relationship before her son only sees the negative hurtful things that ppl do to each other, that also, in the same instant hurt the child deeply. But she desperately needs to NOT get into another relationship. I oppose on any grounds dating with minor children. You may say that it's "enriching" his life, having a "daddy" around, and to that I say bullshit, because to get to THAT point, you've already robbed your child of time that is THEIRS. I'm not saying that you shouldn't date, but dont try to build a new relationship with the crumbled bricks of two collapsed marriages (hers and the new boy toy, and if he just has kids, but wasn't married, thats worse, does she think that she'll "settle him"?) Build a safe haven for him by being rocksteady, like a little kid.
Little kids either love you, or they dont, there is no "gray area" to a child, there is...and there isn't....theres no maybe. I've heard too many kids ask "But if you love mommy/daddy why aren't they here?" And if it's just because he's a million miles away, and cant tell her sweet adorable things and compliment her all the time, then you as a friend, need to tell your gf to GROW UP. I'm assuming that he's deployed to Iraq as well, perhaps she needs to watch something like "Saving Private Ryan" not the whole thing, just the first 20 minutes, over and over again, until she realizes that she can change the channel, her husband cant. If she had to see the things that war entails, would she be thinking so much about how sexy her husband OR her "friend" is? Would the thought of, what she looks like in her outfit matter? I dont think so. She would be trying to stay alive.

I think that her husband deserves her respect and honor and COMMITMENT, until he comes home, and that until that time and hopefully everafter she needs to end this pseudo-romance with her friend. Falling in love is easy, it's fun. But breaking commitments and vows cheapens it, makes it disposable. Love isn't disposable, if it were, we'd have an abundance of it in the world today and as I see it, we have a major deficit. Love is not a feeling, it's an action. Lust is a feeling, and requires nothing more to exist.

It basically comes down to this old saying "The Right choice is never easy, and the Easy choice is seldom right"

Sorry for my rambling, I'm not even sure this makes sense, just got off a 12 hour overnight shift, so I'm a little rattled, but I hope you can take something from this.

[bare4you]

I have to concurr with Big Bear. There is no pain that can match the impending news. Absence does make the heart wander in some instances unfortunately. These folks too are casualties of war unfortunately. My advice would be for her to maintain status quo for the time being. Making a decision of this sort that will have an impact on so many lives is not one to be made based on emotions alone. The decision she makes now will be one that many will have to live with all the rest of their lives. I know some from the local National Guard unit that have recently returned from Iraq and one has returned to this situation. Another returned and it was just the reverse. There is no easy answer. Our own personal happiness is the most important thing in our lives and she will have to weigh all the consequences against what is going to make her happy. Good luck to her and to you for helping her deal with this.

[Gekko]

bare4you said: Our own personal happiness is the most important thing in our lives

Not when kids are involved, when you take the responsibility of bringing a new life into this world, your own personal happiness should take a backseat....or you should put the kid up for adoption so that it will be loved the way it was supposed to be.

[Glyndwr]

The grass is always greener on the other side.

[lonelyarmywife]

bare4you said: Our own personal happiness is the most important thing in our lives

Not when kids are involved, when you take the responsibility of bringing a new life into this world, your own personal happiness should take a backseat....or you should put the kid up for adoption so that it will be loved the way it was supposed to be.


I read through the things you have to say several times, and I'm feeling a little uneasy. But i'm not sure why. I think becuase I really feel like you're condemning her for being lonely. You may say you can imagine how it feels to have someone you love thousands of miles away, but the bottom line is, unless it's happened to you before, you can't. Unless it's happened to someone they will enver understand the fear, the lonliness, the uneasy, restless feeling that hits everytime you see the aftermath of a car bomb on CNN and wonder if your husband saw it happen. Or worse yet, was a casulty of it. Or see little kids pointing guns at American soldiers and wonder if your husband would defend him self or take a bullet to keep from shooting a child.

Being the wife of a deployed soldier is a little like being a widow - just without the dead body. From all outward appearances, and for all intents and purposes you are a single woman, you just happen have a commitment to a marriage that you reap no benefits from. From my support group, i learned that spouses of the deployed actually go through the same phases of grief that they would go through if their other half had died - then, about the time we adjust, they come home and we are forced to act like nothing ever happened.

And as a single mom, let me say this regarding dating and remarraige. if a single mom wants to date and go out, then by all means go. Single moms are with their children 24/7 and if they occaisionally need a break, then go for it. If you never do something for yourself, you run the risk of resenting your children for the things you never got to do. That is one of the saddest things in the world to me and i refuse to let it happen.

I'm not negating your advice, and I'm not condemning you. But I do want you to understand where she is coming from. She is 100% committed to her child and husband. Infidelity and divorce are no longer options for her, if they ever were. It's hard for her to come home every night to an empty house. It's difficult to teach a child about their daddy when he's never met his father. Its damned near impossible trying to keep up your husband's spirits when you're breaking down inside and you can't fucking tell him about it becuase you don't want to distract him from the "important service to his country" that he is performing. I understand why she feels this way, although I don't condone it.

I think this has moved into the realm of rambling, so I'll stop now. i just don't want you guys to think badly of her for having these feelings. We are both in a strange and difficult situation, and neither of us are very strong people.

LAW

[Incubus255]

Theres not much more I can say that hasn't been said, but I still say gecko hit it right on the head, and though I think he came accross a little harsh , he's got his mind in the right place I'd say and sometimes a little tough advice is needed, even if it's not the popular vote, love doens't have a 4 month expiry date, it's not that we don't understand that she's lonely, god knows I've been in a few hard places myself

but I think this cop out of I'm lonely and nobody understands therefore it makes it ok is just overplayed, yeah she's in a shitty place, I'll agree with that, but never the less it really does damage my faith in "love" that like I said, seems to have an expiry where after so long it becomes stale and people just go looking elsewhere, good times and bad eh? yeah right

[loves2laugh]

I can only imagine how it must feel to be married but yet be alone because your spouse is far away. I would suggest that your friend might want to slow things down with her companion, There would be nothing wrong with stepping back and sorting things out. If he is always around giving her comfort and attention, I don't think she can make a clear decision on how she feels. Either way it sounds like at this point someone is going to get hurt and that is never something most people want to deal with. As her friend offer her your support, give her some attention that she might be lacking and hopefully she will figure out what she should do.

[BigBear57]

I don't know about the others but I see you as a very strong, level headed person LAW. I've admired your position on this throughout. I also don't pass judgement on her either since I can't know the whole story through any one view. I can empathise and only offered my thoughts. We are after all only human.

[lonelyarmywife]

I don't know about the others but I see you as a very strong, level headed person LAW. I've admired your position on this throughout. I also don't pass judgement on her either since I can't know the whole story through any one view. I can empathise and only offered my thoughts. We are after all only human.

thank you.
:x:

[rabbit]

Lonelyarmy wife, I don't even know how to begin. On one hand, she needs to be strong for her husband, who is going through one of the most difficult challenges of his life. On the other, she is lonely and needs the comfort of a man.

Like osuche said earlier, I think it is possible to care for two people at once. The only thing is that, at some point, her husband is going to come home. What does she do then?

I wish your friend strength...what a terrible dilemma she is facing.


rabbit

[Kaelynn]

LAW- some of what Gekko said had a very good point... I do agree it would be best for her to wait on her husband to come home because of the innocent child involved. However, I am not so sure I could be as strong as both of you. I can't imagine watching the things on CNN and knowing my husband, the father of my children, and last but not least the love of my life was over there fighting for us and for his life. I just can't imagine. There is a guy I talk to that went over there and came home early cause he got shot up god I was happy to hear he was home, but soooo sad that he had gotten shot. He could have lost his life... anyway completely off track...

I don't know that I could be as strong, but god knows I would want to be, I would be in tears almost every night and I would kling so tight to my son, because he would remind me so much of his father. I suggest the friend spends more time with her children than with her friend. Altho god knows that I would want to see the friend and hang out. She needs to distance herself just for a little while to find out where her true feelings lie.

I am so sorry she finds herself in this position.

I wish the both of you well, and I pray to God that they both come home safely!

love ya LAW

[Incubus255]

I can't help but empathize with the guy, I mean if she's this lonely being away from him, how does HE feel??? going though this difficult time and also not having her around , mayhaps that explains how they do it eh? I don't know, I just can't imagine how I'd feel being in his situation , being that lonely and wanting to be back with your wife and she's already thinking of building a new relationship with someone else because you can't be there, shitty deal thats for sure.

Remind me not to join up with the army

[ThirteenthStep]

Although I can understand her stance and her feelings, and understand the fact that distance does cause serious problems in relationships, what she needs to really ask herself is if the love for her husband is to be overshadowed, by this man who is making her feel so complete.

Obviously, she loves her husband, if she didn't she wouldn't of married him, but what your friend needs to come to grips with is if its worth losing a loving, caring husband over, for something that isn't as established, isn't as sure-fire, and isn't as concrete as the man over seas, laying his head back at night in a barrack, thinking of his wife and kid at home...

Maybe I'm coming off as a bit of an a**hole, but this is a subject near and dear to my heart, since I have a brother overseas and he was involved in the same situation with his fiance. He went over, and she found someone else and broke his heart, because she couldnt live with the loneliness...

While I understand where these females are coming from, you must also understand that the vows you make during marriage are "till death do us part"...either that or till you get a good divorce lawyer...

You made a commitment to this man and if you are loyal and faithful, you should honor and stick by your man.

She must ask herself, how does her husband feel? Has she considered how lonely he must be? Has she considered how much he is probably dying to get home to her? What about her son? How is she going to explain to him, that while daddy was away, she found something she considers better. While it looks wonderful now, it may just lead to a big bucket of problems...

In the long run, is such a change, really worth all the damage that may potential come from it?

(Sorry if I came off as a complete asshole, so not something I wanted to do, or the impression I wanted to give off...SORRY! :(...)

[cyberkitten]

her situation isn't that uncommon among military spouses. her feelings for both her husband and her good friend are real. i love my friends, and some of them i could see myself happily in a relationship with, if i wasn't already involved (and if they were single as well). however, i don't allow myself to think abou the possibility of being with any of them, because i love and am very much *in love* with my partner.

she committed to her husband and chose him over all of the other men she could have chosen...there had to be a reason for it. when she starts having thoughts about the other guy, encourage her to instead think about her husband and what it was about him that attracted her to him. if her feelings toward the friend don't fade back into "just friends", she will have to make the choice to either carry on an affair, or tell one of them that she's sorry, but he's not as good as the other guy in her eyes. that would be a very hard thing, too, and she has to consider whether she's going to be able to do it.
in the meantime, she's got a great friend in you, and i know you're torn about how to help her...just be there, let her talk it out and maybe help her find an interest in something that's just for the girls, so she won't dwell on the fact that her husband is away. sign up for an all-female yoga class, or set up a standing appointment to have manicures/pedicures, maybe even finding someone on base to babysit for the two of you and have a weekly "girls only" night. get a bottle of wine, your favorite "pampering" foods (death by chocolate cake, brownies with lots of icing, ice cream sundaes...you get the idea ) and a good chick flick. or a video of your favorite stand up comedian(s). create a perpetual calendar with note cards, with a special thought each day for the husband and for you two as well (ie, monday - think about what your favorite food to eat off your partner is, tuesday - what's your favorite body part to lick...to have licked?, wednesday - what's the first thing you noticed about your love?, etc..)that can be flipped back to the beginning and used each month to remind both partners of each other.
good luck to both of you. i know this has to be hard on you, too, as it reminds you daily that your love is away, also. chin up, girl, you're definately someone special :x: