live in or married first

[packrat]

whcih do you guys think is better?

living together before marriage or getting married first? opinions and comments please...

[Fangtasia]

Cant comment on the getting married first lol...My partner and myself have been living in sin for over 18 yrs

[Loulabelle]

I got engaged to my ex before we lived together, which in hindsight was a mistake. You can't make a commitment like that until you know what married life is going to be like.

Fussy and I lived together before the question of marriage was even thought of, and it's worked out much better for us. Not only do we love and respect each other, but we can also live together without driving each other crazy. You know you're truly in love when you still want to marry/ be with someone after living with them for years first.

[Mark Vieth]

I have to agree with Lou on this. It's better to live with your partner before getting married. It's just much easier if things go sour and you part ways. Less entanglements in the end. My current partner and I are living together and we drive each other nuts all the time, but it's going really well and it couldn't be better.

[dicksbro]

For my wife and I, it was marriage after three years of dating. We never "lived together first."

Our marriage has been the time for us to really learn about each other and the result, for us, has been to appreciate each other more I think. Just worked out well for us. I know, I wouldn't trade her for the world.

[Oldfart]

It is shattering to have to back out of a basically flawed marriage.

A couple of months of sin could have saved friends of mine years of heartache.

[moose]

I belive in marriage first and not "try before you buy", i think if the dating is not short by that i mean less than a year then you should think about marriage, i also belive the commitment to each other is not the same when you live together as you dont have that barrier that marriage puts up and you can just leave when you want

[BIBI]

It depends on one's life experiences and beliefs whether or not you should live together prior to marriage, but I think the only true way to get to know eachother is by living with them first.......I lived with someone for eight years and that didn't work out in the end.....but without a marriage license, there was no costly dragged out divorce either which was a blessing in itself.

Remember love is blind and marriage is an eye opener!

[imaginewithme]

Like others have said, it all depends. I never spent one night with my now husband before we were married and we dated for 7 years, granted we started dating when I was 16....but still. I knew if I moved in with him, we'd probably never marry. We've now been married almost 10 years.

[osuche]

I lived with my (now-husband) for about 5 years (out of a cumulative 10 we dated) and the living together gave me a LOT more confidence that we're compatible. I'm not the easiest person to live with, and I needed to know that we'd get along.

Besides which, marriage should be about two people who WANT to be together, not who are trapped together...what better way to determine if you WANT to be with someone than to live with them for a while?

[lizzardbits]

I like the idea of "test driving" before you commit. if i wouldn't have done that with my ex, with as much as we tried and failed, we would have been married twice and divorced twice.

If i had the choice, Mayhem would be living with me now while we make our wedding plans, or I be living with him. Unfortunately, half a continent and an ocean separates us, so living together isn't an option.

I say, do what your's and your partner's hearts feel is right for you

[LixyChick]

I was married to someone else before Mr. Lixy and we lived together first (6 years) and that didn't work out. So, I doubled the living together time with Mr. Lixy to 12 years and then we married and it's been a wonderful relationship...both before marriage and after.

In my personal opinion I would NEVER marry before living with someone. It wouldn't be fair to him or myself.

To know me is to see me in the morning with bed head...to see me puke after a night of partying...to hear me scream obscenities as I "cook" in the kitchen...to get me a hot water bottle when the monthly cramps grip me so I can't walk...to watch me clean when you think the house is already clean but I insist that it's dirty and you just can't see the dirt...to watch me leave your dirty work socks inside out when I wash them because I've told you time and again I will not turn those stinky, icky things...etc. I think you get the picture!

But that's ^^^ just me!

[Fangtasia]

....i also belive the commitment to each other is not the same when you live together as you dont have that barrier that marriage puts up and you can just leave when you want
Interesting....not having a go at ya beliefs hun.....but

Being married does not stop people leaving when they want to....getting divorced is easy now days (many many do it)...and in my case i am very very committed to Bilbo....he is my soulmate...while i dont actually have the piece of paper...most class us as married and are suprised that we are not *LOL*

If we separate...it would be no different to a married couple...it would be costly and more than likely dragged out....Everything we own was bought while we were together and as such would need to be either sold or divied up...We also have kids which makes it even more messy

So please before ya say that defacto people aren't committed just pause for a sec

[Loulabelle]

Of course it's worth remembering, that not every country is as up-to-date in terms of marriage/ co-habitation as Australia.

In Britain, unmarried couples have far fewer rights when it comes to inheritance laws, dividing of assets if the relationship breaks down and until yesterday, adopting of children. One way or another, in Britain, if you know it's for good, it makes more sense to be married. Outmoded, for sure, but true.

[Fangtasia]

Yes very true Loulabelle...i didnt realise that for British people

Moose is an Aussie thats why i addressed his post the way i did

Regardless of relationship laws in whatever country....it is up to the couple concerned to decide if marriage is for them....for others to assume they are not committed due to a piece of paper is not right as far as i'm concerned

I've seen many a married couple have absolutely no respect for the vows they took...and just as many as defacto couples

Marriage with a prenup agreement....is that a no committment excuse? Just curious

[Loulabelle]

I couldn't agree with you more, when you say that the piece of paper makes not a scrap of difference. And I think a lot of people still get married because they want a wedding (women are more guilty of this than men) which is one of the many reasons we got married in such a low key way. Getting married was not important to us....being married was, and that was our choice.

And you're right when you say that so many people don't respect their marriage vows it seems a waste of time them making them. Being married does not make a relationship any more sacred and in many cases it does seem to be a license to stop making an effort to make the relationship work.

[Steph]

I couldn't imagine getting married without living with someone but I'm a left-wing hippie type. I am sorta envious of people who were SURE they were going to be with their soulmate for the rest of their lives. At the same time, I liked roaming Canada for a while & hooking up with cool peeps.

My sister was with one guy from when she was 13 until her mid-twenties. My best friend lost her virginity at 21 to her only boyfriend of five years.

For me, it was like tasting the same dessert every day when you could have an a la carte extravaganza. The people who know what they like are awesome pervs, too. I think it's just whatever happens, happens.

It's just different paths all our lives take.

[Coaster]

^^^^^^Well said Steph! .....did I say that out loud??????????????

We lived in sin for 2 years before saying "I do's" .......... and that was almost 27 years ago.......... yes, she deserves sainthood!

[lizzardbits]

sumpin' else...I must say, IMHO, that i lothe it being called "living in sin" never in MY heart when i was cohabitating did i feel like i was sinning against myself or anyone else. I think that it shouldn't be a common phrase on our vernacular anymore. Replace it with "living in pleasure"!

as i said IMHO, and i hope that i didn't trod on anyones toes....it's a thought that i have had for many many years now.....back to our topic at hand

[Coaster]

sumpin' else...I must say, IMHO, that i lothe it being called "living in sin" never in MY heart when i was cohabitating did i feel like i was sinning against myself or anyone else. I think that it shouldn't be a common phrase on our vernacular anymore. Replace it with "living in pleasure"!

as i said IMHO, and i hope that i didn't trod on anyones toes....it's a thought that i have had for many many years now.....back to our topic at hand


Well lizz, I was brought up in a Catholic parochial school for 8 of my formative years..... and "guilty" is ingrained in us...... thus the phrase "living in sin" .... (but I like your phrase better!) (Just don't tell the nuns!)

[moose]

Alasse, I know you are'nt having a go at me but I am a traditionalist I suppose I don’t like change, I prefer things the old way even though I am only 46, I don’t hold any thing against anyone who choose to live together before marriage, I just don’t believe in it.
now on the subject of the piece of paper not mean anything, well it does to me and i am sure it does to mrs moose and a lot of other people

[Lilith]

now on the subject of the piece of paper not mean anything, well it does to me and i am sure it does to mrs moose and a lot of other people

Yes, but the piece of paper does not actually cause people to change their behavior like it was once intended to. Most people do not see the piece of paper as a binding contract because there are no sanctons, aside from the personal financial ones for breaking the contract anymore.

I'm married but I don't need a piece of paper to define what that means to Mr. Lil and myself.

[maddy]

I've done neither... but am a believer in taking a test-drive. If and when I find someone, I intend to live in first to make sure we are truly compatible.

[The Master™]

Live together... Get to know each others habits - can be quite an eye-opener... Then discuss what irritates each other... Great way to see yourself... But I'd never get married to someone without first living with them... :D

[osuche]

I think the thing about the piece of paper was that it *did* mean something for me (and I am 29...the "younger generation" I guess). My parents had a terrible marriage and it really ruined parts of my childhood. I believe -- VERY strongly -- that I don't want my kids to experience what I experienced.

The paper -- and the marriage commitment -- meant that I was willing to have kids with Mr. Osuche. That I was confident enough in our compatibility, and his character as a person, to WANT to have kids with him. Until that moment, we were just having fun as two people can -- with no commitment for the future. A commitment to create a family. That's what the marriage meant to me.

And yes, I lived with him first -- several times over a 10 year span before we got married. It took me a long time to gain confidence that he was "the one" for me...not due to compatibility, but mostly because I wanted to see him in every situation possible and assess whether our relationship would stand the test of time.

I hope it will...we've grown a lot together over those 10 years. Been through moves, job changes, deaths in the family, richness and poorness, collapses in personal businesses, sickness, and (of course) many good times. And at the end of the 10 year "trial period" I loved him more...much more....than I ever could have imagined. Which gave me the cofidence to marry him.

[Steph]

Well lizz, I was brought up in a Catholic parochial school for 8 of my formative years..... and "guilty" is ingrained in us...... thus the phrase "living in sin" .... (but I like your phrase better!) (Just don't tell the nuns!)

LOL And I agree with you, Coaster!!!!!!! :)

My Irish Catholic pals & I use "living in sin" completely tongue in cheek. Sticking to the nuns! (Pardon the sexual pun, Bless me Father for I have punned)

[flutelady]

Living with Denny has been an eye-opener for me. I love living with him, and I feel closer to him than I've ever felt to any man. That includes the man to whom I was married for 29 years.

It's interesting to see the reactions of some ofthe people around us. For example, before my daughter went to the national band competition, her chaperone called us to discuss some things. Denny answered the phone and she was flustered at trying to put a "label" on him in relation to me. Surprised me alot, but she's not been the only one. I won't even touch the "church thing".

I love Denny and plan to spend the rest of my life with him, married or not. I believe in marriage and do ultimately desire it, but I'm very happy to be living with the man I love, and I don't think I could possibly be more commited to him.