Parents

[Crown Of Ivy]

How do I get along with parents that are way too controlling? They seem to want to keep me living with them when I want to be out on my own. I can't move out just yet because I don't have the financial stability. It's Hell on my relationship and worse on my nerves. They are so intimidating. When I go to them, they refuse to budge on their opinions. It's like it's an inconvenience when I want to go off on my own and do something. How do I get them to realize that I am old enough to do what I want without always having to have their permission???

[Lilith]

Make a list of 3 points you "want clarification about". Don't approach them as a child. Approach them as an adult. Find out why without asking "why" they feel the need to still dominate your decision making. Pick just a few issues and be prepared with examples of how you have made good choices that reflect your ability to be safe and careful. Go into it like a business meeting. Put your emotions to the side and approach it with confidence and backup.

[Crown Of Ivy]

My biggest problem is that they are sooooo intimidating...

[Lilith]

why? what will/can they do to you?

[Crown Of Ivy]

I'm a sucker for guilt trips and they are really good at that. Also, we all get upset easily and I hate being yelled at. I don't understand why they make things so hard. I do pretty much everything they tell me to do but when I want to do something for myself, all Hell breaks loose.

[PantyFanatic]

Good ^^^ advise.



Remember this is your turn to show YOUR maturity by understanding you have grown into an adult woman but you have (and will be for the rest of your life) their child. This time you may have to be the one looking beyond the surface and perhaps presenting your adult position with “I need to start taking care of myself and making adult decisions, but can I come to you for advise when I’m not sure or conflicted about something?”

I think most parents that have taken being provider and protector seriously, know their job will be done at some point and also it doesn’t normally just happen one morning. They know it should be (as it should) a gradual lifting of the training wheels. They realize you will soon be peddling away once it starts and are therefore reluctant for that beginning. Let them see you sitting tall on your bike and understand why they follow you for a while after you tell them they can “let go now”.

[fzzy]

If they are intimidating, then it very likely is that they are feeling scared ... a very natural emotion for all of us when things are about to change, even when it's a change for the good, it's still scary. Since they are the "adults" they don't want to feel like they are at a disadvantage and so they are reflecting that attitude that they think will most effectively hide what they are really feeling.

If you understand that they are very likely feeling afraid, then the next step would be to figure out what they are afraid of .... lots of things come to mind regarding parents whose children are about to become independent and not all of them revolve around the child .. their lives are about to change and they may not be certain what that means to them, lonliness, lack of "purpose", fear of growing "old" .... any number of things could apply ...but if you recognize that they may be dealing with their own issues, then it may help you realize that it's not necessarily about how they feel about your choices, etc., they may be fully comfortable with your track record, but are scared that once you get a certain distance away, you may never look back ... all of us want to be loved and remembered ...

Sorry, now I'm just rambling, I totally agree with the advice given here by Lil and PF, just adding another viewpoint for you to consider. Best of luck in your bid for independence.

[the earthling 2]

Eck I had that problem to. They seemed to let up a little when I came out of the closet, but thats only if your gay. IDK I really didn't get a break tell college.

[Steph]

They seem to want to keep me living with them when I want to be out on my own. I can't move out just yet because I don't have the financial stability.

"They seem"

"I want to be out on my own"

Nobody ever feels ready to move out on their own but it happens when you're ready.

I just made the leap. I wasn't financially stable but always managed rent. *shrug*

My father used to say, "You'll never have it as good as you have it here."

I've never told him but I disagreed at the time & still disagree. I just didn't want to show disrespect.

I respect the tough line they had to draw in the sand. For that, I send nice gifts. :)

[Oldfart]

A parent is a parent till they're a past parent.

Their job is to protect you from a harsh world, whether you like it or not.

Your job is to make them think they succeeded.

[maddy]

I want to share a little story that might give you some insight and forever change the relationship I have with my parents. At the ripe age of 24, I was working my first "career" job, and living on my own. I had a car that was giving me fits and my father finally told me it wasn't worth spending money on it. He told me to go out and look for a nice used but reliable car I could afford. I was visiting them for the weekend, and they left for awhile that day. They returned and my father asked if I found a nice used car. I told him firmly, "NO". This started the argument. At the end of the day, I told him through tears, if I was to have a payment it would be for the car I wanted and that would be a brand new car. Later that day we were at the car lot of my choice, and to show that he didn't agree he let me handle the entire negotiation waiting for me to fail or be denied a loan. A week later I was driving off the lot with that car. I made every one of the $426/month payments on my own without ever asking for help. Since that day my father has realized I will always be his baby girl, but I am an adult and capable of handling myself. Since then I have moved across the country twice, bought two homes and sold one, and bought another new car. All while asking for my father's input, but at the end of the day handling the negotiations and transactions on my own.

My father is an abusive man (physical and emotional and verbal) - to say he is intimidating is an understatement, but I know what I want from my life and living under his roof for all my life was not it. Pick a battle, stand up for yourself and handle yourself like an adult. They will start to see you as an adult when you act the role.

[osuche]

((((maddy))))

I haven't had the problem you speak of (most of my life I've had *too* much responsibility and say...rather than too little. This brings about its own issues, though...so be careful what you ask for). However, I htink you got very good advice. Pick your battles and stand up for yourself on something important to you, where you can demonstrate that you have good judgement and follow through.

First and foremost, being an adult is about follow through....doing the things that you commit to doing, even if you have to make big sacrifices to get there. Even if you regret your commitment later, the ability to follow though is the biggest thing (IMHO) thta distingishes a responsible adult from a child.

[Cheyanne]

Well, you are 22 years old according to your profile. I understand the fact that you aren't financially able to go out on your own and that is why you are still living at home. Similar to the advice given above - if you want to be treated like an adult, then approach issues in an adult manner.

The one item that I want to point out is this - you are still living in their home, and you shoud respect them and the rules that they have for you. This is where the "asking for permission" comes into play. You may be old enough to do what you want, but at this moment you are dependant upon your parents for a place to live, food and whatever else they are providing for you.

Do your share of the housework - perhaps you can contribute to some expenses while saving for a place of your own? If they want you in the house by a certain time - even though you are an adult, respect that rule. If there are certain "chores" like dishes, garbage, laundry - contribute, don't expect to be waited on like you are a teen. I know that you didn't say that was what is going on, but to be a productive adult in the household will show them that you can be treated like an adult and perhaps open the door for more adult conversation.

[Loulabelle]

My mother is very controlling, and as I was the younger of her duaghters she never seemed to want to let me grow up.

I'm afraid I deal with this in a way that may seem disloyal, but have found it to be what works for me. If I am at a crossroads and have a major life changing event to make a decision on, I make it and then tell my mother. For example, I didn't go to her and tell her 'I'm thinking of changing jobs' or 'Fussy and I may get engaged' or even 'Would you mind if I got married abroad without you there?' I just made the decision and then told her what was happening.

Parents often don't realise that when going to them with a dilemna that you are often asking for an opinion, and not asking for their permission to do something. I knew if I told my mother we were going to start trying for a baby, she'd be concerned about our finances and tell us we should wait a little while, 'just in case'. So instead, we simply waited until I was pregnant and then gave her the news - she is delighted and if it all goes horribly wrong, she bears none of the responsibility for it, since she wasn't allowed any input before the deed was done.

Maybe it wouldn't work in your case, but it works for me. It gets easier the more you strike out on your own.