Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked
her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers,
rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps.
"How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man.
"These are my khakis".

I went into Hungry Jacks the other day and, as
I was ordering, two Muslim women walked in.

I saw they had the most colourful garments from
head-to-toe and I immediately thought to myself........

"The burqas are better at Hungry Jacks."

:roflmao: Have you applied to be their ad man?

AMAZING WORD TRICKS


A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you fucking free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other fucking hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fucking, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that???

Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in
Dublin was drinking in Donohue's pub in Merrion Row when he gets a
call on his mobile phone.



He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for
everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just
produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.



Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce
just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a
typical Australian baby boy.



Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.



Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.



Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets
about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how
much does he weigh now?



The proud father answers '17 pounds"



Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds
the day he was born.

.
.
.
.
.
Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ..............
"Had him circumcised mate"

a few quick ones

Two women were having lunch together and were discussing cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
"Whoa!", replied the first woman. "I just can picture your husband as a blonde."


How is a Scotsman different from a Rolling Stone?
The Rolling Stone says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
The Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"


During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
Her husband replied, "Yes, honey. That was the happiest hour of my life."

:roflmao:

Wisdom




A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'




With age comes wisdom.

This is my total stock, love it or not.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I found this going through an old thumbdrive.

I'd forgotten how much I'd enjoyed this one.

I get it.

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog biscuits -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies!

:roflmao: Good lesson.

Apparently the Recession Cut Deeper Than We Thought.

BBC/AP— LONDON , UK (August 18th)

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday
in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins
a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February
from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years
of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members
and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told
the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause
of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a
kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with
our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their
demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a
competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing
expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to
have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales, and
the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their
operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway.”

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the
emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know
what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to Paradise .