Subject: Once a flower . . . always a flower...


Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so
darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes
off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as
she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and,

completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan

Subject: Fwd: Virus warning




"Somethin' Like This..."
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes"delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!











HAVE A GOOD DAY!!

What is butt dust?
>>
>>
>>
>> These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this
>> creative!!
>>
>> JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
>> sister. After a while he
>> asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
>> milk?"
>>
>> MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
>> replied
>
>> she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you
>> don't remember you must look in the back of your panties.
>> Mine say five to six."
>>
>> STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you
>> so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
>> window."
>>
>> BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She
>> tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration,
>> her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it
>> for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it
>> know it's me?
>>
>> SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
>> "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth
>> cough."
>>
>> D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How
>> much
>
>> do I cost?"
>>
>> MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
>> and kissing in a restaurant.
>> Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
>> "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
>>
>> CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his
>> Mom
>
>> asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
>> happen
>
>> with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
>>
>> JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
>> His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
>> out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
>> Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
>>
>> TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
>> rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
>> Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin
>> fit your face?
>>
>> The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this
>> particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms
>> extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
>> "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that
>> moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to
>> me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom,
>> what
>
>> is butt dust?"
>>
>>
>>
>>

Butt Dust? :confused:




OMFGROFLMAOBBQ on a bicycle!

A very very dry follow through?

Worst Chat-up lines ever?????
 

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrhoea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

& the best for last!

Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it my nuts tighten!


Now then - some of you ladies (maybe guys too, no sexism HERE!) may well have been on the receiving end of one or more of these....... DO TELL!!

DM

One-Liners
 

These are all from a UK comedian named Peter Kay. He's English, but quite funny despite that slight handicap!! (Sorry all you English folk - just my wee joke, y'understand. It's the lack of nicotine y'know!)

Hope you like!


1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said “Thyroid problem?"

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
*
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
*
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
*
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
*
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
*
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From thereon it was sticks and stones all the way.
*
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
*
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
*
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My Neighbour*said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
*
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
*
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
*
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
*
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
*
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
*
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before
*
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
*
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
*
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
*
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
*
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
*
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
*
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
*
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
*
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
*
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half Way through and then raced against the flush.
*
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
*
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
*
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
*
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
*
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
*
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
*
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
*
Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:
*
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when women get undressed?
*
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
*
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
*
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
*
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
*
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
*
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
*
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
*
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
*
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
*
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
*
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
*
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
*
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
*
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
*
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
*
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
*
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?*


DM

The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.

Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet. :p

That's Baaaaaad WI!!

lmao...you forgot the easy clean-up. :p

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

^^^^^^^^funny!

THIS IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE DREARY OLD BIRDS AND BEES.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a
download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and
said..............You've Got Male."

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Redneck Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beeping Stopped The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "that Was My Pager," She Said I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm." A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand." The Redneck Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be Outdone, She Knew She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her. When She Knew All Had Noticed, The Redneck Woman Finally Said... "well, Will You Look At That, I'm Gettin' A Fax."

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
>
>
>
>A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
>speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to
>listen.
>
>
>
>MAN: "Hello"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Yes"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's
>only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Sure..go ahead if you like it that much."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
>models. I saw one I really liked."
>
>
>
>MAN: "How much?"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "$60,000"
>
>
>
>MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is
>back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
>
>
>
>MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
>
>
>
>The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
>
>
>
>Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
>
>
>
>

Subject: BLOND!


> A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
> show
> > in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
> > starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
> >
> > Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
> > starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
> > What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does
> > the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
> being?
> > It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
> work and
> > in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person.
> Because
> > you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not
> only
> > blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
> >
> > The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
> yells,
>
> "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on
> your knee."
>

Ducky ... just ducky
 

This one will quack you up

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.


The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from
head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!!



READY??



"The vet shrugged! I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.00.

Beer
 

BEER:

I don't understand. ----



After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

LOL @ DB.....too funny.

Loved it, DB.

db ,very funny i'll have to change my pants as i pissed myself laughing

Cajun Math

Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees ! is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(Thought you'd like this one)

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start?!"

Glesga vasectomy....
 

Hope you can all understand this!!


After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley, Renfrew and Old Kilpatrick.

Press Release---------------------------------
 

Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.


N.B. DM383 Publications accepts absolutely NO blame, responsibility or previous knowledge of this release. I didn't even think it was funny, honest ladies. I only posted it to demonstrate even further the typical gender stereotyping that persists in today's corporate-fed society.

Oh, ok.......OK! I thought it was funny, alright?!?! so sue me!

DM

Received better by the male half of this unit.

LOL

How come there is no mention of the two hours the man took driving around to find the machine.......;)

Probly for the same reason the Two hours for the woman to actually get ready to go to the machine wasn't mentioned.

Did anyone mention that her pay wasn't due to go in for another four hours?

Naw....everyone knows we get ready as we drive somewhere.

Did anyone mention that HIS already had.....

Ooohhhh.

next there is bound to be a joke about why women order meals consisting of 3 carrot sticks and a peice of anorexic lettuce before eating 3/4 of their guys food!!

Surely not. There are some limits, after all.

...lol...yaa. 3 carrot sticks? That's alot to eat!! :p

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
> Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He
> told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
> girlfriend.
>
> The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
> $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't
> think you understand, I want something very special."
>
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
> and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at
> only $40,000," the jeweler said.
>
> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
> with excitement.
>
> The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
>
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
> stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is
> good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday
> to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
> afternoon," he said.
>
> Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
> "There's no money in that account."
>
> "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend
> I had?"
>
> Don't mess with Old People.
>
>

Subject: Mischievous Grandmas


Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home. About
then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out
saying, "We
bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no
way you
can guess it, you old fools." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we
can! Just
drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.
The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple
of times,
asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up
and said,
"You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?"
The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed.
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled
in unison,"Because
We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.


It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you.


While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders,
6-year-olds-because the last one is classic!


1. Don't change horses.................................. until they stop running.

2. Strike while the........................................... bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before......................... Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of.......... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that .......................... looks dirty.

7. No news is........................................impossib le.

8. A miss is as good as a ............................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll . stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust . me.

12. The pen is mightier than the.................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is........................................... the way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution.

15. Happy the bride who................................ gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is . not much.

17. Two's company, three's ......................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............ you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......................... you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not........... spanked or grounded

22. If at first you don't succeed ................. get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you.......... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind . get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than....................................... pregnant

Rough Sex (FACTS)
 

I think this is funny. It's a lil chain letter type, but still cool. Plus, I need ALL the luck I can get =p

hug leads to a kiss...a kiss leads 2 a finger...a finger leads to a a hand...a hand leads to a lick...a lick leads to a suck...a suck leads 2 a fuck. So tell me how many people are you gonna hug after you heard this cuz sex is like math...u add the bed...subtract the clothes...divide the legs...leave your solution...and pray you dont multiply!
Send this right after u read it, something good will happen at 2:25 tomorrow. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life!!
Whoever breaks this chain will be cursed w/ relationship problems 4-10 years.
If you send this in 15 mins. your safe. Something good will happen tonight at 11:11pm.
This is not a joke...someone will either call you or will talk to you online.

Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth

Having nice sex burnes 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes
with her consent.........................12 cal
without......................187 cal

Take off her Bra
With two hands..........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal

Put on Protection
hard ........................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal

Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot ......................92 cal
I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal

Entry
Holding her..................12 cal
On the floor.................8 cal

With Different Position
Missionary..........................358 cal
Doggy...........................316 cal
69 lying...............................286 cal
69 standing.............................512 cal
Italian hanger.........................912 cal

Orgasm
Real................................112 cal
Faking................................315 cal

After "O"
Lying in Bed............................18 cal
Hop off the bed............................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal

Get dressed
Quiet and calm...........................32 cal
Rushing.........................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sista at the door.............1942 cal

IF YOU BREAK THIS YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE TOMORROW AND AWFUL SEX FOR A YEAR! REPOST THIS AND YOU WILL FIND AMAZING SEX WITHIN ONE MONTH ;)

REPOST THIS WITH THE TITLE: Rough Sex (FACTS)

Subject: My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today! , and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."