A married couple is lying in bed one night. Jill, the wife
<?XML:NAMESPACE
PREFIX = O />
is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband, Marc
turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading,
he periodically reaches over to Jill and fondles
her special area.

Marc does this a few times, but only for a very short
interval before returning to read his book. Jill
gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that
Marc is seeking some encouragement she gets up
and starts stripping in front of him. Marc is
confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me
downtown. I thought it was foreplay,"
Marc says, "No, not at all."

Jill asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then? "

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They
"Want Fries with that".

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Start or Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Jungle
Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends That You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You As "Your Excellency".

17. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, Scream "I Won!,I Won!!!!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives!! They're Loose!!!!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called Therapy.

YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE TELLS IT ALL
> >
>A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play
date.
> >
>"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
> >
>"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
replied.
>"It's not polite."
> >
>"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
> >
>"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are
really
>none of your business."
> >
>Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"
> >
>"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
> >
>The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
> >
>"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
>friend.
> >
>"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's
>license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
> >
> Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old
you
>are, you are 32."
> >
>The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
> >
>"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
> >
> The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heaven's name
did
>you find that out?"
> >
>"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy
got a
>divorce."
> >
>"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
> >
>"Because you got an F in sex."
>
>

Internet Addict Recovery Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Kermit gets a loan

> > >> A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
> > >> her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
> > >>
> > >> "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
> > >>
> > >> Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog
> > >> says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
> > >> it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
> > >>
> > >> Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
> > >> collateral.
> > >>
> > >> The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
> > >> elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
> > >>
> > >> Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
> > >> bank manager and disappears into a back office.
> > >>
> > >> She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
> > >> Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
> > >> $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
> > >>
> > >> She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
> > >> this?"
> > >>
> > >> (you're gonna love this)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (its a real treat)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (a masterpiece)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (wait for it)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> The bank manager looks back at her and says...
> > >>
> > >> "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
> > >> man's a Rolling Stone."
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
> > >>
> > >> Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
> > >> did!!! Have a lovely day!
> > >>
> > >>
> > >

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......

You're gonna love it...






It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

Pilot talking to his co-pilot while on a flight and says to his co-pilot "All I need right now is a cup of coffee and a blow job." Unbeknowist to the pilot, the microphone is on and the whole plane can hear. The stewardness drops what she is doing and runs toward the front of the plane.

One of the passengers says, "Hey! Don't forget the coffee!"

Computers are wonderful, aren't they?!?!

In hospital.............

Are things even worse if you actually work with computers?!?!

Even the "Birds and the Bees" talk is getting lost these days! :confused:

Even rejection's going high-tech these days....... well, kinda!!

Lastly.........
 

Now, it seems, even our four-legged friends are getting in on the act!!

Hope you enjoyed at least one of these. :)

DM

Do you know how to.....
 

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......










You're gonna love it...







It's the one with the little sticker that says...









I-DA-HO :D

Pet Dog Peeves
 

"10 Dog Peeves with Humans"


1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG !

3. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.. stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both now the truth -- you're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here. You don't see me picking up your poop, do you ???

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life
>with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair,
>watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob
for
>companionship.
>
> One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy
>godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here
>after all these years?"
>
> The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived
>an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which
your
>heart still yearns?"
>
> Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
>thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was
>wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my
>disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
>
> Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
>Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
>
> The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can
>do What do you want for your second wish?"
>
> Cinderella! looked down at her frail body, and said, "I
>wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
>
> At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
>young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that
had
>been dormant for years.
>
> And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have
>one more wish; what shall it be?"
>
> Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
>corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a
>kind and handsome young man."
>
> Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a
>change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he
was
>a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever
>seen.
>
> The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella,
>enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
>the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few
>eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
>Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
>perfect man she had ever seen.
>
> Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
>in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms. He
>leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
>whispered..........
>
> "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
>
>
>
>

So THIS is what db gets up to!!
 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in
High street.

I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on
mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and
continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Bastard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

Kids, you've gotta love 'em!
 

"A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl riding down the pavement in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
truck," he says admiringly. "Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner,"
the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could go faster.

" The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren !"

I'm not sure if this has been posted before... but I like it, so here you are!


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He’d still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadnt come along.

Classic Affairs!
 

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

One for Scotz?!?!?!
 

This last one was one which appealed to me on SO many levels......... hope you all like it too!!

DM

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,

"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but
why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied,

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes up and outwards.

It works!

DM

i must book an appointment at my opticians immidiately!!

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>
>A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man opposite
>her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
>
>
>This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
>
>
>The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
>laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>
>
>The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
>what he had to say for himself.
>
>
>The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got
>on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
>under a sign that said,
>
>
>'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.
>
>
>Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
>reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
>
>
>Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
>Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.
>
>
>BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
>that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...
>
>
>I just lost it."
>
>
>"CASE DISMISSED!!"

LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS


A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were
asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got
together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea
all around you, you are in continent.
( Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head.
(Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do
mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
shrink.
(Kevin age 6

WHAT manoeuvre? (Oz)
 

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two
locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller" asked Kenzie?
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.

The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration

"Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's
the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

Hospitality (Tx)
 

Dallas Air Traffic Control:

"Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air:

"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"

Dallas ATC:

"Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air:

"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."

Pause: Static..............


Saudi Air:

"DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC:

"Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air:

"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC:

"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now---ya hear?"


I'm only passin' it on.......but it IS funny! DM

Last, but not least...........
 

A wee ned walks into the chemist to get his Methadone. The pharmacist is
pouring some white powder into a bottle and the ned asks,

"Hoi chief, what's that powder?"

The pharmacist replies,

"Askit"

So the wee ned leans over and looks at the powder and says,

"Wee white powder, whit ur ye?"

The first grade teacher was starting a new
lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought
it would be a good idea to ask a few of the
children examples of words with more than
one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable
words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied
with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables,
Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of
humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says,
"I know a four syllable word. Pick me!
Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a
word that large the teacher reluctantly
says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four
syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her
composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four
syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob',
but that's only two syllables!"

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

A groaner from my grandson....



So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!" :rolleyes:

What's in a name?
 

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

Nursing.........hmmm!
 

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NURSE IF

> You know you're a nurse if.....
> You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a
> dark alley.
>
> Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
> Almost everything can seemhumorous....eventually.
>
> You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.
>
> You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing
> than they know.
>
> You check the caller id on your day off to see if anyone from the
> hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
>
> You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another
> table throw up.
>
> You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you
> started nursing.
>
> Every time someone asks you for a pen ! you can find at least 4 of them on
> you.
>
> You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince
> the doctor is more difficult"
>
> You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker
> and to holler if they need help.
>
> Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.
>
> You find yourself checking out other customers veins in grocery waiting
> lines.
>
> You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will
> drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
>
> Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
>
> You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
>
> If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, its
> just to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental
> status/sanity.
>
> Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humor, fairly
> normally and very responsibly.
>
> Believe me, this is how we think, ALL THE TIME.
> Scary huh??


A LOT of truth in this btw!!

DM

Now, this would be some phone call!!

DM

A girl went to her doctor, who told her she only had six months to live. No, there was no chance of a cure, the best thing she could do was to marry an accountant.
It wasn't going to cure her but it would make her remaining time seem so much longer.

After a night of drinking, Jack crept into bed beside his wife
Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek
and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing
at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who
the hell are you?" demanded Jack, "and what are you doing in
my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I'm St.
Peter."

Jack was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so
much left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to
my family. You've got to send me back right away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Jack was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from
his house he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light
later and he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new
hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Jack, "but I have this strange
feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've

never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Jack.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg
popped out. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg,
the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever
happened to him!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his
third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head
and heard his wife shouting, "Jack, wake up you drunken
bastard! You're shitting all over the bed."

"Mummy! Mummy! Whats an orgasm?"

"I don't know - ask your father"

The madam opened the brothel door to see a
> >rather dignified well-dressed, good looking man in
> >his late 40s or early 50s.
> >
> > "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see
> >Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of
> >our most expensive ladies, Perhaps you would prefer
> >someone else," said the madam.
> >
> > "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's
> >reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to
> >the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without
> >hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred
> >dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went
> >upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
> >
> > The next night, the same man appeared again,
> >demanding to see Natalie.
> >
> > Natalie explained that none had ever come back
> >two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were
> >no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the
> >man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and
> >they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
> >
> > The following night the man was there again.
> >Everyone was astounded that he had come for the
> >third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and
> >they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie
> >questioned the man. "No one has ever hired me three
> >nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied,
"South
> >Carolina."
> >
> > "Really" she said. "I have family in South
> >Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died
> >and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to
> >give you your $3,000 inheritance."
> >
> > The moral of the story is that three things
> >in life are certain:
> >
> > 1. Death
> >
> > 2. Taxes
> >
> > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
> >
> >

A woman is very distressed because she has not
Been married
Very long and yet her husband has lost interest in
Sex. So,
She goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells
Her that it
Is nothing serious, that her husband has merely
Lost his
Animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble
Some dog
Biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning
Without telling
Him, and little by little this will bring out the
Savage beast
In him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to
Come back
In a week with a progress report.


A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who
Asks how
Her husband is.


"He's dead," she replies.


"Dead?" the doctor asked.



The woman says, "Yes. He was sitting in the
Driveway licking
His balls, and I backed over him with the car.

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet
and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months
later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told
him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she
passed a s mall diner and the or of the baked beans was more than she could
stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would
walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she
felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed
delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated

herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The&bsp;baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and
the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of
the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let
it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more,
which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room,
she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom,
she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smi ling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence whn er husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him
that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!