A Wealthy Hospital Benefactor Was Visiting The Hospital When,
>during Her Tour, She Passed A Room Where A Male Patient Was
>ma$turbating.
>
>"oh My God!" Screamed The Woman. "that's Disgraceful! Why Is He
>doing That?"
>
>the Doctor That Was Leading The Tour Explained, "i Am Very Sorry
>but This Man Has A Serious Condition Where The Te$ticles Rapidly Fill
>with $emen. If He Doesn't Do That Five Times A Day, They'll Explode
And
>he'll Die Within Minutes."
>
>"oh, Well In That Case, I Guess It's Ok," Commented The Woman.
>
>in The Very Next Room They Could See That A Female Nurse Was
>performing Oral $ex On A Different Male Patient Again The Woman
Screamed
>"oh My God!
>
>how Can That Be Justified?"
>
>the Doctor Replied..."same Illness, Better Health Plan
>

An elderly couple was attending church services . About halfway through, she leans over and says to her husband, "I just had a silent fart --- what do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape."

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Australian computer lingo


A bit of Aussie culcha

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any
cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten
the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red
Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from
K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the
shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the
counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the
counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keep's borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the
fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the
hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs
aren't strong enough.

little bobby was playing at his friend jimmy's house when he came home to ask his gramma: "can i sleep over jimmy's house tonight?"

"sure," she says.

he goes back outside and comes back in a few minutes later. "gramma, what do you call it when two people sleep with one on top of the other?"

gramma is curious about his question but decides to be honest with the little guy and says, "we call that sexual intercourse."

bobby goes back outside to play and returns again just a few minutes later. "gramma, you're wrong. they're called bunk beds, and jimmy's mom wants to talk to you right now."

Moods
 

Can be divided into two categories...........










......women ~ complex, thoughtful, exemplary beyond comment...... and men.

That's all folks...move along now please!!

DM

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat
on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's
ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the
cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer
says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're
OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
three things I would want...a great golf game, all
the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and
the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he
again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him."T'was me
that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm
a famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way,
it's good to see you're doing all right."


"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer
money situation?"


"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When
I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer
sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in
embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."


"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun,
"I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"


"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad
for a Catholic priest in a small parish

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs and wearing white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter. Let’s look for yours.”

Subject: Singles Meet
>
>Dorothy and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida.
>
>They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that
they
>enjoyed each other's company.
>
>After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Dorothy out or
>dinner and, much to his delight she accepted.
>
>They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant
in
>town.
>
>Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
>
>Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Dorothy
>soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
>
>As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each
>was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
>
>Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
>gentler."
>
>Dorothy was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken
>off
>my pantyhose."
>
>

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father
> said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000
> & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The
> next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a
> suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick
told
> him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom
> you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was
> coming too. And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a
> $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
>
>
>

Steph and sodaklostsoul, those are terrific. Thanks.

:D :D :D

WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!!
>
>Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
>prepared for the answer:
>
>
>
>In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first
>witness to the stand . . . a grand motherly, elderly woman. He
>approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
>me?"
>
>
>
>She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
>since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
>disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
>people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
>shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
>anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
>
>
>
>The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
>the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
>
>She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
>a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He
>can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
>one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
>with three different women, one of them was your wife Yes, I know
him."
>
>
>The defense attorney almost died.
>
>The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in very
>quiet voice, said:
>"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your
>sorry asses in jail for contempt."
>
>

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office
>
>but she belonged to someone else.
>
>One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll
give
>you $1000. if you let me screw you."
>
>The girl said "NO."
>
>Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
>down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
>
>She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
>boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
>
>Her boyfriend says "ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast, he
>won't even be able to get his pants down."
>
>He agrees to the $2000. and she agrees and accepts the proposal.
>
>Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend
to
>call.
>
>Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
>
>She said "The bastard used coins"
>
>Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's
entirety
>before agreeing to it and getting screwed
>
>

Little Conor William attended a horse auction with
his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up
and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a
few minutes, Conor
William asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before
I buy."
Conor William, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think
the UPS guy wants
to buy Mom."

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to
talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that
she was the Pharmacist and
as she and her sister owned the store, there were no
males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would
be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was
completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could
be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of
professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying,
"This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes
me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to
my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at
length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a
company car, and $3,000 a
month plus living expenses."

LOL^^^^^^^.

Nice to see you back Bardog!!

Thank you
It feels good to be back

A lady was driving down the highway and a cop was pulled her over for speeding. The officer got out of his car and walked up to the lady and the following conversation took place.

"I need to see your drivers license."
The lady replied, " I dont have one."
Then I need to see your registration. the officer advised.
"I dont have that either and I guess you want to see the dead body in the truck too?" The lady asked.
The officer then adv the lady to stay there and he would be back in a minute.

The officer went to his patrol car and called for a supervisor. When his sargent arrive on the scene he confronted the lady and asked her the same questions.

"I need to see your drivers license ma'am." The sargent said.
She handed him the license.
"and your registration?" the Sargent continued.
She handed the paper to him.
" Ma'am, My officer told me that you said you had a dead body in the trunk?" the Sargent inquired.
"And I bet he also told you that I was speeding too?" the lady replied.

THE SOLUTION

Here it is . . the solution to three major problems:

The Plan . . . a win win win situation.

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans.

Put all the Florida alligators in the moat.


Any other problems you'd like for me to solve today?

A tomato, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The tomato said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think that you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out."

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go
through
the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can
under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put
the
bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when
I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my
desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is
getting
warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter
catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the
counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for
all
morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water
the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container
with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.

I realize that to night when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up
the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning
to do.

At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote, ----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know! I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I
realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it,
But first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

If this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL,
AND LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, John Howard turned to the Queen
and said:


"As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how*my great country is
referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have*to have
a King in charge - and you're not a King."
John Howard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"


To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you*have to be a
Prince - and you're *not a Prince, Mr. Howard."
Howard thought long and hard and came up with *"How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, *replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not
an Emperor."
Before Howard could utter *another word, The Queen said: "I think*you're doing
quite nicely as a Country."

Four Religious Truths
 

It is important for those of all faiths to recognize these Four Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Choo-choo.......!!
 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you basterds who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause
we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue,

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Lucky Pig..........
 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.) !




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)




A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

LOL, DM. Those are terrific. Thanks.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
can you help?"


I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies!"

Shocked "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"


I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.


"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."


"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Yuck."


"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know (I really do think
she was being snotty here too, don't you?)


We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.


"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.


"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.


"Okay, okay." Squeamishly! , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.


We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. Women
can be so cruel to their own young (I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.


"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
what I'm sa ying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just.....just.....excited,"
my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious , cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...
I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back
into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea." Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.


2 - Lizards - $140...


1 - Cage - $50...


Trip to the Vet - $30...


Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
wacker...........Priceless!

Baptist Bra
 

BAPTIST BRA

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the sales lady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 30AA." With a quizzical look the sales lady asked? "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

Ah, now I remember" said the sales lady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the

Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the Masses.

The Salvation Army lifts up the Fallen. Presbyterian type keeps them Staunch and Upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

They," she replied, "Make Mountains out of Mole-Hills."

**********

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters
used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.

A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, :console: "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED!" :eek:

THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT. :nod: AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD. :help:

A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN. :banghead:

SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH. :faint:

THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!" :shrug:

THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD." :bite:

"SO" THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"

"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS." :yikes:


:thumbs:

Ouch!!

Babies!
>
> Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
> other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
>
> "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
>
> "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
>
> "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
> "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
>
> and find out."
>
> He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then
> quickly
>
> disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
> resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm
> a
>
> little boy," he said proudly.
>
> "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
>
> "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
>
> and I've got blue ones."
>
>
>
> SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
>

:roflmao:

The Blonde Handywoman
 

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,

"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

:rolleyes2

Oops.
 

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says "do you know me?".

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says... "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery ?"

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said "No, I'm your son's math teacher.

Roflmao

Banned from Wal-Mart
 

Dear Mrs. Cottrell:

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. R.D. Cottrell has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Cottrell have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-mart Complaint Department

************************************************** *******
MEMO
RE: Mr R.D. Cottrell-Complaints

Things Mr. R.D. Cottrell has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an offical tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares...and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION-WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he know where the anit-depressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, prracticed his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!".

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams " NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

How tough ARE the Scots?
 

SCOTTISH HUMOUR
***************************
How Tough Are the Scots?
The following comparisons of the attitude of the Scots to different levels
of temperature, compared with those in some other parts of the world, has
been circulating on the Net. My thanks to a reader who passed me a copy.

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland
sunbathe.
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the
windows down.
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in
Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland
go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on. People in Scotland have a
last barbecue before it gets cold.
-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct. People in Scotland lick
flagpoles instead of ice lollipops.
-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico. People in Scotland throw
on a light jacket.
-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Scottish Boy Scouts
postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.
-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland wear
a vest and put something on under their kilts.
-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland are angry 'cos
they can't thaw their whisky bottles.
-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows
complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying
"Aye it's a bit cooler today... eh?"
-500 degrees - Hell freezes over. Scottish people support England in the
World Cup