Has YOUR neigbour.....
 

........... ever pissed you off??

Maybe a solution for ya!!!

LOL

DM

One from the papers.

Long life ends in fast lane.

From our friends in London: A young-at-heart pensioner who whizzed around a supermarket on a trolley shouting "Wheeee" died after losing control and crashing in the car park outside.

Widower Dennis Wiltshire, 80, of Neath, South Wales, was hit in the head by his speeding trolley when he was thrown to the ground as it overturned.

An inquest in Swansea recorded a verdict of accidental death after the pensioner died.



The man was a God, a Pixies person who didn't know it.

the Texas farmer
 

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your
pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed," the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full
of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same
young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some
honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got
some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle," said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some
pussy willow down by the creek ...."

The farmer interrupted, "Let me get my shoes. I'll go with you!"

Southern Belles
 

Miss Annabelle had just returned from her first trip to New York City and was serving refreshments to her Southern belle friends on her Daddy's mansion's front porch. It was a hot summer day, but her tales held them spellbound.


"In New York City," said Miss Annabelle, "they have men who kiss other men on the lips."


Miss Annabelle's friends fanned themselves faster and said, "Oh, my!"


"They call them homosexuals," proclaimed Miss Annabelle. "They also have women in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"


"Oh, my!" exclaimed the girls, as the pace of the fanning increased.


"They call them lesbians," said Miss Annabelle. "And they have men in New York City who kiss women between the legs," said Miss Annabelle.


"Oh, my!" said the girls from the edge of their chairs "What are they called?"


Miss Annabelle replied with a smile, "After I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Kid's Science Exam
 

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where
the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Stop!
 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he's sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Deputy’s expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky.

When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked "Where is everybody?"

The barman replied, "They're all gone to the hanging."

"Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete", he replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" asked the cowboy.

"Well" said the bartender, " He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes"

"What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling" said the bartender.

^^^
:eew:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side
is a
>valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
>speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same
size
>as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
>flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
>traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out
>of this highly dangerous situation?
>
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>Scroll down for Answer:
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>Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much
>

You little...............!
 

The nightmare of having a daughter

This is to anyone who has daughters, and to those who are pregnant, hope you don't get a daughter!!!!
My fears!!!

MOTHER passing her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
made and everything was cleaned up. Then she saw an envelope on the bed.

It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the letter and read it with trembling hands.

"Dear Mom, It is with great sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.
I've been finding real passion with Ahmed, and he is so nice, even with all his peircings, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Mom. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams, too.

Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it ourselves and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He sure deserves it! Don't worry about me,Mom. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter

XXXXXXX



PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbours' house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in the center drawer of my desk. I love you.

Please call when it is safe to come home. !!!!!!"

:roflmao:

Subject: COMPUTER SKILLS
 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

-----------------


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


-------------------

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


--------------------


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! Im not Bill Gates.


:fone:


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find i

-----------------


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah........ ...........thank you.

------------------


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


---------------------


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is ther e another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


:banghead:


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


------------------------


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


-------------------


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


--------------------


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


:fix:


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


------------------


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


---------------------


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.


Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
:roflmao:

"P" on the keyboard.........LAMO!!!

There is also the one about the woman who rang to complain about her computer not working.

It was all connected right.

After a lot of questioning it turned out that the computer hadn't worked since the power had been cut off.

She was told to pack the puter back in it's box and take it back to where she got it, because she was too dumb to own a computer. (urban legend)

Jesus Is Watching You :cool:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a
bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." :yikes:

OMG! That's hilarious! Woof!

You are driving in a car at a constant
speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



any idea?



think about it...........



still don't know.....



then go ahead and scroll down for the answer

















Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

I scrolled ^^ to get the answer. :roflmao:

Someone's been reading the lateral thinking book.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and gusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend :hump: when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. :yikes:

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!" :sad:

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" :doorpeek:

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" :thumb:

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" :thumbs:

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining." :shrug:

Okay. :boink:







:roflmao:

The Lord and the hot rodder

A hot rodder was driving along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."

The rodder pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the
P a c i f i c! The concrete and steel
it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."

The rodder thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

lmao. that was very funny, thnx for the laugh. :)

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

3 nuns
 

Three nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

(If you laugh you are going straight to hell!) we'll see u there, lol.

lol...nice one IWM

A nun is laying naked in the bath when there is a knock on the door.

"who is there?" she asks?

"it's the blind man" a man calls back.

"then you may enter"

He walks in and gazes at her.

"Oh nice tits... where do you want the blinds?"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." :rofl:

>I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at
>Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had
a
>dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again,
>although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last
>time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care
>ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that
>it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat
>one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
>complete so I was going to try it again.
>
>I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now
>enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
>
>Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been
sitting
>in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall
guy
was
>going to have to stagger out the door he was laughing so hard.
>

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at
his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to
his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a
smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and
softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end
together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and

asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers
in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

************************************************** ***************


Here is a little joke to make you smile today!!

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
still find them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his little winkie through the bushes, I say, $20 or o ff it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe me".
************************************************** ****************

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog
and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods,
grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to f ollow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn
thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

************************************************** *************

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"

The man replies,
"No, what do you mean?"

She says,
"You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells,

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership >fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies,

"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!"

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies,





"Over here, on the swing."

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The following 15 Police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country...

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll streach out after you wear them awhile."

14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired form my gun."

11.so you don't know how fast your were going? I guess that means I can write anything i want on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, Sir, YOu can talk to the shift supervisor, but I dont think it will help. Oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning! YOu want a warning? O.K., I am warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and step in monkey poo."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "in God we trust, all others we run throught NCIC."

4. " Just how big were those two beers?"

3. "No sir we dont have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and ............ The best one !!!!!!

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...You're right we don't....Sign here.

TEQUILA FOR MI AMOR

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,
so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste,
and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
>>
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
>>
>> She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass
>> out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
>> tequila.
>>
>> Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and
tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and
sets it on the table.

>> The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
>> asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

>> Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU
>> DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

>> ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: FW: To brighten your day
>
>
>> 1. Birds of a feather flock together, and then they poop on your
> car.
>
>> 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
>> to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how
>> nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
>
>> 3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
>> neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
>
>> 4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
>
>> 5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
>
>> 6. A penny saved...is a government oversight.
>
>> 7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
>> thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
>> thing at a tempting moment.
>
>> 8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
>> because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
>
>> 9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
>> is to buy a replacement.
>
>> 10. He who hesitates is probably right.
>
>> 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
> everybody.
>
>> 12. If you can smile when things go wrong,
>> you have someone in mind to blame.
>
>> 13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
>> he's really in trouble.
>
>> 14. The mind is like a parachute;
>> it works much better when it's open.
>
>> 15. The only difference between a rut and a grave...is the depth!
>

PET RULES
> >>
> >>To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.
> >>
> >>Dear Dogs and Cats:
> >>
> >> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
>other
> >>dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in
> >>the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming
>your
> >>food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
>slightest.
> >>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating
>me
> >>to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall
> >>faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
sized
> >>bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping
>on
> >>the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in
>a
> >>ball when they sleep.
> >>
> >>It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out
>to
> >>the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight
>out
> >>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
>nothing
> >>but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
> >>bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door
> >>shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or
>get
> >>your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
>through
> >>the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years
>--
> >>canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
> >>
> >>The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's
butt.
>I
> >>cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have
posted
>the
> >>following message on our front door:
> >>
> >>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
> >>
> >>1. They live here. You don't.
> >>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
> >>(That's why they call it furniture).
> >>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
> >>4. To you, it's an animal -- to me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter
>who
> >>is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
> >>Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
> >> 1. Eat less.
> >> 2. Don't ask for money all the time.
> >> 3. Are easier to train.
> >> 4. Usually come when called.
> >> 5. Never drive your car.
> >> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
> >> 7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.
> >> 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
> >> 9. Don't wear your clothes.
> >> 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
> >> 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
>
>---------------------------------

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon
>> > > for a face-lift.
>> > > The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
>> > > small
>> > > knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to
>> > tighten
>> > > up
>> > > her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
>> > > Of course the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years,
>> > the
>> > > woman kept tightening the knob, and the effects were wonderful, and
>> > the
>> > > woman remained young-looking and vibrant.
>> > > After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
>> > problems.
>> > > "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
>> > turn
>> > > the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
>> > > developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags
>> > under
>> > > my
>> > > eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
>> > > The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
>> > are
>> > > your breasts."
>> > > "Well," She said, "I guess there's no point in asking about the
>> > goatee."

OMG i luv the pet one , im so printing off the note to visitors!!!!!!