I love those, Soda. The pet one is sooooo cute. Thanks.

I was in Kroger's the other day going thru the express checkout line with only a bag of Purina dog food in my cart when a nosy woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, easy, cheap and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

This is so funny :roflmao: that it will boggle your mind. :banghead: And, you will keep
> trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your
> foot. But you can't!!! :curse:
>
> 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor!
> and make clockwise circles with it.
>
> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
> right hand .. Your foot will change direction!!!
>
> I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it. Make
> sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to
> believe it either!!!

Hah!
If you could lick your own balls you would have never made it out of the house! :rofl:

OMG.....TFF.......mental pic!!!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter" A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, she asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it , he jumped over the fence into our yard!..... That must've been scary", said the teacher....... "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went "Fffff, Fffff,Fffff....and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!


:rofl:

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding
anniversary."Tomorrow" his wife said angrily, "there had better be something
in our driveway that goes from zero - 200 in two seconds flat".

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the
driveway. She brought it inside, opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale. HIS FUNERAL IS TOMORROW.

Sorry if it's a repost.


Subject: Fw: Cyanide
>>>>
>>>>A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
>>>>cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the
>>>>
>>>>world do you need cyanide?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't
>>>>give
>>>>you cyanide to kill your husband? That's
>>>>
>>>>against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail
>>>>and
>>>>all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not,
>>>>
>>>>you can NOT have any cyanide!"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
>>>>husband
>>>>in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't
>>>>tell
>>>>me you had a prescription."
>>>>
>
>

Ed returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ed asks his
wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,
you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one
more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he
now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
"Honey, please... Just one more time before I die ?"

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ed, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until
he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could............."?
At this point the wife sits up and says,

"Listen Ed, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
>> > >
>> > > examining room, waiting for the doctor to
>> > >
>> > > come in for the baby's first exam.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
>> > >
>> > > checked his weight, and being a little
>> > >
>> > > concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed
>> > >
>> > > or bottle-fed?
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "Breast-fed,"she replied.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor
>> > >
>> > > ordered.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed,
>> > >
>> > > kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for quite a
>> > >
>> > > while in a very professional and detailed
>> > >
>> > > examination. Motioning to her to get
>> > >
>> > > dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this
>> > >
>> > > baby is underweight. You don't have any
>> > >
>> > > milk."
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but boy am
>> > >
>> > > I glad I came."
>

BLONDES----------

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....


(You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

LOL ^^^

Chris has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?" He answered, "It’s not fair that I’m not allowed to go to the library." His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?" With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"

Why Parents Drink
>
> A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
> sick one day.
> Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
> employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
> "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
> "Yes," whispered the small voice.
> "May I talk with him?"
> The child whispered, "No,"
> Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
> "Is your Mommy there?"
> "Yes,"
> "May I talk with her?"
>
> Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
> Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
> asked, "Is anybody else there?"
> "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
>
> Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
> asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy" whispered
> the
> child.
> "Busy doing what?"
> "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
> answer.
>
> Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
> through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
> "What is that noise?">
> "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
> "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
> apprehensive.
> Again, whispering, the child answered,
> "The search team just landed a helicopter,"
> Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
> "What are they searching for?"
>
> Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
> giggle...
>
>
> "ME!"

Can you say grounded until their 18!!! ^^^^

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw h ow he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear
very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the
store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof)
and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. I'd like
some raisin bread please, the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing
almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he
surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he
requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the
view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the
eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to
see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and
thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at
the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst
the crowd's staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's a quiverin".

be careful what you ask for...


When he was watching the ball game this weekend, my friend and his wife and got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation he told her that he never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.


I think that sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

Fw: quotes from Edinburgh Festival...


> >
> >I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
>goat.
> >Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
> >
> >Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
> >Jimmy Carr
> >
> >The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
> >arm bears.
> >Chris Addison at the Pleasance
> >
> >My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent
most
>of
> >our family holidays in Customs.
> >Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
> >
> >The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
> >sh*tting herself.
> >Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
> >
> >My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but
> >I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get
> >me
>to
> >sleep at night.
> >Susan Murray at the Underbelly
> >
> >Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
>people
> >were given pointed sticks?
> >Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
> >
> >You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
> >because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
> >flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
> >Self-raising?"
> >Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
> >
> >I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought

> >the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
> >Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
> >
> >I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
the

> >Girl out of Cork...
> >Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
> >
> >Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
>Turned
> >out it was a bloody hoax.
> >Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
> >
> >Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both
a

> >winner and a loser at the same time.
> >Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
> >
> >A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
> >The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
> >join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with
a

> >plumber".
> >Steven Alan Green at C34
> >
> >Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
> >Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
> >
> >It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
> >Chris Addison at the Pleasance
> >
> >I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
> >very good at it.
> >Arnold Brown at The Stand
> >
> >If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
> >tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
fire.

> >They're trained for that.
> >Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe sipping tea and
chatting about their families.

The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through
pictures and reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
"He's a martyr now", says the older Mom.

"Oh, so sad, my dear," says the other Mom.

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son,
Kali He would be 21 now."
"Oh, I remember him, too. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me" says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18 now," Mom whispers.

"Yes", says her friend enthusiastically,
"I remember when he started school."

"He's a martyr also," Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a laung pause and a very deep sigh, the second
Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says

"They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"

I think may be a repeat....but oh well.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead
> >sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he
sat
>down,
> >but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
> >
> >Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket
> >toward the man.
> >
> >He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back.
> >
> >"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
>place.
> >
> >"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
> >
> >They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
the
> >theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
>deepest
> >dreams and he shares his. She listens.
> >
> >After paying for
> >everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
> >place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
> >
> >They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
> >
> >The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The
>guy
> >is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
> >
> >"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
to
> >every
> >guy you meet? "
> >
> >"No, "she replies. . . . . "
> >
> >
> >
> >"You just happened to catch my eye."
> >
> >
> >
> >(oh, shut up, and just forward it!)
> >

The last one made me laugh!!!!

DR. PHIL:
>
>The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
>must
>first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes
>
>after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do
>is
>help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT"
>
>problems before adding "NEW" problems.
>
>
>
>OPRAH:
>
>Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
>
>wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
>learn
>from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going
>to
>give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
>not
>live his life like the rest of th e chickens.
>
>
>
>GEORGE W. BUSH:
>
>We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
>
>know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
>
>either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
>
>
>
>DONALD RUMSFELD:
>
>Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
>of
>the chicken crossing the road.
>
>
>
>ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
>
>We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
>
>allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
>
>
>
>JOHN KERRY:
>
>Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
>it!
>It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
>
>intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
>
>
>
>JUDGE JUDY:
>
>That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
>his
>eyes and the way he walks.
>
>
>
>PAT BUCHANAN:
>
>To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
>
>
>
>MARTHA STEWART:
>
>No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
>
>standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
>
>dropped to a certain level.
>
>
>
>DR SEUSS:
>
>Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
>
>chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
>
>
>
>ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
>
>To die in the rain. Alone.
>
>
>
>JERRY FALWELL:
>
>Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
>
>front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's
>why
>they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
>And
>if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
>
>chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
>
>whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
>That
>chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple
>as
>that!
>
>
>
>GRANDPA:
>
>In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
>told
>us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
>
>
>
>BARBARA WALTERS:
>
>Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
>
>chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
>
>experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
>life
>long dream of crossing the road.
>
>
>
>JOHN LENNON:
>
>Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
>peace.
>
>
>ARISTOTLE:
>
>It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
>
>
>
>BILL GATES:
>
>I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads,
>but
>will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
>
>book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform
>is
>much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.
>
>
>
>ALBERT EINSTEIN:
>
>Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
>the
>chicken?
>
>
>
>BILL CLINTON:
>
>I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
>
>chicken?
>
>
>
>AL GORE:
>
>I invented the chicken!
>
>
>
>COLONEL SANDERS:
>
>"Did I miss one?!!!"
>
>

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and
> > pleads
> > >with him that he is graduating from school and would really like
to get
> > a
> > >car.
> > >
> > >His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and
> > points
> > >to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the
farm
> > and
> > >I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
> > >
> > >The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and
> > said,
> > >"Okay, Dad."
> > >
> > >A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting
a
> > new
> > >two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "As soon as that
> > tractor
> > >is paid for . . . "
> > >
> > >Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes
bugging
> > him
> > >for a tricycle. Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor
> > >being paid for first.
> > >
> > >While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted
> > with
> > >the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and
> > promptly
> > >goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back,
mumbling to
> > >himself the whole time.
> > >
> > >His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that?
He
> > >didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
> > >
> > >The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and
says,"Hey,
> > nobody
> > >rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
> > >
>

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '1,2,3,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is "1,2,3,4," and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.!
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "1,2,3." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life -just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say1,2,3 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

LOL, Sodaklostsoul. I like it.

I shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition?

Beer coaster
 

Just a Vodka ad on a coaster. It's one of a series.

But, on the other hand, propositions to obtain a desired end should be made using clear sentences. :huh:





:jacques:

Scottish Love-making!
 

PREPARATION



Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish male. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac - 12
pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind is set on
one thing LOVE! Or as he says, "Ma nookie!"


His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's
dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words
of passion, "Any chance o' ma hole?"


The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of
stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his
chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.


This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, "Awa tae
f_ck, ya bampot, ye!"





FOREPLAY


Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of The male
casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife,
usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing
the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, Here we
go."


Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This
is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.





INITIAL PROBLEMS


After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to
extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's
self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle
and sensitive words of encouragement such as, "Ya useless b@stard, "or
possibly, "I'll tell ye wan thing...it never happens tae the Milkman."





FELLATIO


Oral is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with
a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?"
Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler.
"Guan yersel," she says, "jist dinnae bother me."


Undeterred by this slight rejection, the man drives enthusiastically to
perform such a service for his wife. .!





DOWN TO BUSINESS


Eventually the moment comes to consumate their tender love. Again,
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides
which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement
he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, "F_ck me, I've shoat ma
load."


If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his
wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps,
informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.


An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women
like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, "Snotters, Shite,
a*sehole." The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his
mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she
should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement
such as, "Are you sure its in?"


Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should
be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the
form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah,ooyah, gallus big man."


Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his willie on her
nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.


Aye, there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs
quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.



I would like to point out at this point.............. this IS a joke!!

DM

Oh ...




... and here I was taking notes. :rolleyes:



:roflmao:

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"
The bartender gets really excited.
Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

:roflmao: ^^^

Why do blond girls have bruises around their navels.......blonde boys are dumb too! :D

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It
was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:






















Always keep your condoms in your car...

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what yourwife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."

A husband had just finished reading a new book,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I
AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"




His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."

A man is :car: down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.

Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. :wobbly:

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. :shrug:

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. :(

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and :wish: for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." :huh:

The man sets about his task. :wave:

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, :cheerlead "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk! :p

so then monk baby. monk me hard. :p

If a deaf person works at Sonic, where does a one legged person work?















































wait for it. :D

















































































IHOP :rofl: