Sick!

... but I love it! :D

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
and... Should you use some tongue?


Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
Half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct.

But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

oh i really like that, lmao, nice one!

Two of the best.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around
>the
> block?"
>
> Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
>
> "What's that mean?" asked the child.
>
> "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take
Belle for
>a
> walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat,
>and to
> come to you."
>
> Dad said, "Bring Belle over
>here."
>
> He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's
backside
>with
> it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep
Belle
>on
> the leash and only go one time round the block."
>
> The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on
>the
> leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
>
> (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block,
>so
> another dog is pushing her home."
>
>

A farmer in got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with them there circle flies, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A Cajun walks into a bar with
> A pet alligator by his side.
>
>
> He puts the alligator up on the bar.
> He turns to the astonished patrons.
> "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place
my
>manhood inside.
>
>
> Then the gator will close his
> Mouth for one minute.
>
>
> "Then he'll open his mouth
> And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
> In return for witnessing this
> Spectacle,
> Each of you will buy me a drink."
>
> The crowd murmured their approval.
> The man stood up on the bar,
> Dropped his trousers,
> And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open
mouth.
>
>
> The gator closed his mouth
> As the crowd gasped.
> After a minute,
> The man grabbed a beer
> Bottle and smacked the
> Alligator hard on the top of
> Its head.
>
>
> The gator opened his mouth
> And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
>
>
> The crowd cheered,
> And the first of his free
> Drinks were delivered.
>
>
>
> The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100
>who's willing to give it a try."
>
>
> A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back
>of the bar.
>
>
> A Blonde woman timidly
> Spoke up..........
> "I'll try it -
> Just don't hit me so hard
> With the beer bottle!"
>
>

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

LOL^^^^^!

Study? Who would have thought?

WI.

I don't know if you've seen this one yet.

Notice who get's serviced first? :brows:

Who says....
 

That was just plain scary!!!!!

That was my Halloween contribution ;)

PantyFanatic,

Excellento!

:doorpeek: creepy!

Sadly, probably true.

First female VP?

God I hope not.

Mid-life Crisis
 

One day, after 25 years of marriage, I took a good look at my wife one day and said,

"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ... :)

lol.
reminds me of one...

a failing city zoo spent their last bit of profits to acquire a female gorilla of a very rare species in the hopes that a new attraction would bring more people to visit the zoo. but, as these things usually go, within a few days the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle and violent. no-one wanted to come to the zoo to see a bitchy gorilla who threw things at the spectators.

upon examination, the zoo vet determined the problem: the gorilla was in heat.

to make matters worse, there weren't any male gorillas of her species available for mating. and with the zoo failing the way it was, there was no way to afford a gorilla "stud".

whilst pondering their problem, the vet noticed kevin, a local farmer's son who came to the big city to work at the zoo after the drought destroyed their last crop. he was a big lad, and—like most farmers—had little sense, but he seemed to be possessed of an ample ability to get along with all the animals at the zoo.

the vet went to the zoo's administrators and told them of him his plan; they all agreed they just might have a cheap solution to the horny gorilla problem. and so, kevin was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $200?

good ol' kev showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

the next day, he announced he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"first," he said, "i don’t want to kiss her... second, you must never tell anyone about this..."


the administration all nodded sagely..."of course, of course. mum's the word."


"and third, you gotta give me another week to come up with the $200."

Clever boy, our Kevin.

Go Fly a Kite
 

An old man is in his back yard trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, but lacking a kite tail, it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries to get the kite up a few more times with no success.

All the while, his old wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do ever ything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!" (Silently she thinks, "Or is it a tail piece?")

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, woman! Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Very good.

An oldie but a goodie in our local rag.

A somewhat simple young man decided to go to the Movies, and wished to take his new best friend, a grand champion Bantam Rooster.

Rebuffed unsurprisingly at the ticket counter, he soon returned with the bird stuffed down his trousers.

He settled in next to a pair of little old ladies, and sure enough, as the house lights went down he undid his flies so the bird could watch the movie as well.

The nearest old dear said to her friend "The man beside me has undone his trousers and his cock is sticking out"

Her friend replied "Now Mabel, you've seen enough of those in your lifetime. What's the problem here?"

Mabel said"











































"But this one's eating my popcorn!"

Lmao

This one is short and sweet. I actually heard it in the movie "keeping mum". Rowan Atkinson plays the local priest and on his search to find some jokes he comes across this little gem.

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk go into a bar.
The barman sees them and says, what is this some kind of joke?

WINE, WOMEN and HAIR
 

Women, Wine & Hair.....

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

Oh No, Not More Blonde Jokes!
 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

***************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

***************

Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this huge dick...

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

An unprofessional professional, LOL.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Billy Ray, Duke and Slim.
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

*snicker* ^^^^^^^^

:D ^^^^^^ :thumbs:

Things Men Do In Their Sleep
 

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".

Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... You've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunk F***, you're SHITTING IN THE BED!!!"

:roflmao:

Make Me Feel Like a Woman
 

I don't know if this one's been posted before ... but it's cute ...

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.....

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman from New York in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel Like A WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a Bubba from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time........


No one moves............


He removes his shirt.......... Muscles ripple across his chest.....


She gasps.........







He whispers........."Iron this, then get me a beer."

... and, just to be fair ...
 

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."