A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



He never heard the shot.

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Old old old one.

What do you call fish with no eyes?

A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said "here...put your hands between my thighs to warm them".

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him "here put your hands between my thighs to warm them".

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again".

She then said, "Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

Boyfriend: You are awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy.

Girlfriend: Get off my back

Fsh.

:spank:



Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."

"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

One for Lil
 

Subject: little johnny again


grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep . It was fascinating." The teacher
said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate,
not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but
I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

:D

Little Johnnie, a hero in any man's language.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

.. and one for PixieSprite
 

^^^ :roflmao:





On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven"

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a LAWYER?"




:D

Something to Offend Everyone
 

My son-in-law sent me this. I thought they were cute.


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Be cause it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts!

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move
West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..

Political Science for Dummies
 

Hmmmm ... I'm wondering if I should worry about our kids. :D

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Aussie cows, you throw them away but they keep comimg back

"radio tapes of their mooing" :roflmao:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab.

The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?"
The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?"
And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?"
The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?"
And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her."
The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"

"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

Two sailors swabbing the deck.

One said, "Where's the soap?"

The other said "Aye."

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet

syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will

have you laughing out LOUD!


Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.


Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his

room.


"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into

his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,

looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"

I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my

most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of

tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)


We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech,"

my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next

appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they

could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the

females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can

be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one

thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little

animal through a magnifying glass.


"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.

You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And

giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the

woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless

manliness.



Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm

picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled

the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was

going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told

me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...



Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!



Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

:roflmao:
iguana say something witty but i'm laughing too ahrd.

I'd pay that, but I'm skink.

Hopefully this one hasn't been posted already. I just remembered it and thought another Little Johnny joke would be good.


Little Johnny's kindergarten teacher told the class that their homework assignment for the day was to go home and ask their parents to explain the difference between theory and reality. When Little Johnny got home he found his dad out in the garage working on the car. "Daddy, my teacher told me to ask you if you can tell me the difference between theory and reality."

Johnny's dad thought for a moment and replied, "Okay, I can help you out. Go inside and ask your mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars." Little Johnny didn't really understand what good that would do but he went inside and found his mom in the kitchen. "Mommy, daddy told me to ask you if you would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars."

Johnny's mom thought about it for a second and replied, "Yeah, you can tell daddy that for a million dollars I would sleep with the neighbor." Johnny took that new information back out the garage and told daddy, "Daddy, mommy says that yeah, she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars." Johnny's dad nods his head and says, "Okay Johnny, now go ask your sister the same question and come back and give me her answer."

Johnny goes back inside and finds his sister in her bedroom listening to the stereo. "Sis, daddy told me to ask you if you would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars?" Johnny's sister thought about it for a second or two and said, "You know what? For a million bucks, yeah I'd sleep with the neighbor."

Johnny didn't really know what any of this had to do with his homework assignment but he went back out to the garage to let daddy know what Sis had said. "Yeah, Daddy, she said she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars."

Daddy looked at Johnny and said, "Well, there you have it. The difference between theory and reality." Johnny was completely lost and said, "What do you mean Daddy?"

Daddy replied, "Well, in theory we could have two million dollars but in reality we just live with a couple of whores."

:xmas:

Oh, deer.

I think this was a Steph one, but in case it's new, here goes.

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;

The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;

The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.



Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading....

Ha ha, bril!

OF ... :roflmao:

:xmas:

PF,

Put a sock in it!

Upset Wife ....
>
>
>
>She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
>to a very attractive young woman.
>
>The wife was VERY upset!
>
>"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me
>your faithful wife, the mother of your children!
>I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
>
>And he replied:
>
>"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.
>
>
>"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll
say
>to me!"
>
>
>And he began:
>
>
>"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here
>asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I
>took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
>thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't
eaten
>for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up
>the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat
>because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured
them
>in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and
>while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
>holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her
the
>designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear
because
>you say they are too tight . I also gave her the underwear that was
your
>anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good
>taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you
>don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought
>at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a
>pair like them.."
>
>He took a quick breath and continued:
>
>
>"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
>to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said;
>
>'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
>
>

The Purina Diet
 

The Purina Diet

I got this in an email ... and loved it ...

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Up to scratch, DB.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

One from our local papers again,

What's brown and sticky?
















































A stick.

:rofl:

and OF!! That 'brown & sticky' joke has been one of my faves forever.




Another fave:


What do you get when a monkey drinks a can of tomato juice?















An empty can!

:tongue:

>A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
his
> >dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly
dismounts,
> >worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
> >find him.
> >
> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> >
> >The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
> >sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
> >
> >"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
> >
> >"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
> >
> >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
> >her knees and blows it right back up."

A couple I thought were cute.

A Dill Doe.......... LOL!

Christmas 2006
 

:confused:

The Wedding Ring

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out
you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on
your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.