Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband. "My wife came back with a card stuck to her ass that said ...

From all of us
at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> > > classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> > > people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> > > like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
> > > of the football team is doing these days -- mowing
> > > my lawn.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
> > > out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
> > > acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
> > > a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
> > > dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
> > > sex with their hot , blonde teachers are permanently
> > > damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> > > "Lucky bastards."
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> > > Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you
> > > have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> > > There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
> > > supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> > > Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
> > > You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
> > > and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
> > > introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
> > > with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
> > > And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
> > > his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
> > > Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
> > > order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
> > > Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
> > > half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> > > cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
> > > Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
> > > huge asshole.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> > > characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
> > > right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
> > > to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> > > anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
> > > weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> > > high.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
> > > used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies
> > > and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
> > > out the stuff you want and having other people buy
> > > it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
> > > version of looting.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
> > > bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
> > > offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> > > with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
> > > supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
> > > fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
> > > just want to wash my hands.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
> > > don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do
> > > just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
> > > care in the first place.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult
> > > and want a job that pays better than minimum wage,
> > > then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
> > > available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
> > > future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
> > >
>

A VOICE FROM THE BACK PEW
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before
> >>
> >>>the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,
they
> >>
> >>>passed a
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
> >>
> >>>paycheck.
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation
> >>
> >>>decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>>was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
> >>
> >>>additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher
got
> >>
> >>>up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he
said.
> >>
> >>>Silence fell on the congregation.
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
> >>
> >>>said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>>wear rubbers."
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>And the congregation said, "Amen
> >>

Male
>Strippers
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Last night, my Red Hat friends and I
>went to a Ladies Night Club.
>
> One of the girls wanted to impress the
rest
> of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
>
>
>
> When the male dancer came over to us,
>
> my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck
it to
>his butt cheek!
>
>
>
> Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a
$20
>bill.
>
> She called the guy back, licks the
$20
>bill,
>
> and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
>
>
>
> In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
>
> my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls
the
>guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
>
> I'm worried about the way things are going, but
>fortunately,
>
> she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks
again.
>
> My relief was short-lived.
>
>
>
> Seeing the way things are going, the guy races
over
>to me!
>
> Now everyone's attention is
focused on
>me,
>
> and the guy is egging me on to try to top the
$50.
>
> My brain was churning as I reached
for
>my wallet.
>
> What could I do?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The woman in me took over!
>
> I got out my ATM card,
>
> swiped it down the crack of his butt,
>
> Grabbed the eighty bucks,
>
> and left!!!!
>
>
>
> "Good Old Red Hat Girls"
>
>
>

>>>,Bra Codes
>>>
>>>
>>>Mammograms
>>
>>>Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need
to
>>>worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the
exam and
>>>doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test
>>>and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and
around
>>>your home.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE ONE:
>>>
>>>Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the
door
>>>as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
>>>
>>>Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first
time
>>>wasn't effective enough.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE TWO:
>>>
>>>Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is
just
>>>perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
with
>>>one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to
slowly
>>>back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and
chilled.
>>>Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE THREE:
>>>
>>>Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
>>>stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your
breasts.
>>>
>>>Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an
appointment
>>>with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
>>>
>>>YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
>>>
>>>AND, just a thought for all the women out there........
>>>
>>>MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
>>>MENopause............
>>>
>>>Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
>>>
>>>When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
>>>
>>>Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a
>>>mammogram!!!!!!
>>>
>>>A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
>>>Hard to Find
>>>Supportive
>>>Comfortable
>>>Always Lifts You Up
>>>Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
>>>And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
>>>
>>>Share this with a friend!
>>>I DID
>>
>>

I wouldn't have waited for the receipt to print up after swiping the ATM card either Sodak. :roflmao:

The cold garage floor and the rear tire............ :yikes:

Guts vs. Balls
 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately
result in death.

The Preacher and the Voice From The Back Pew
 

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before
his congregation to ask for a raise.

After much discussion, They passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the assembled crowd.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is a gift from God too, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the Congregation said, "Amen"

SDLS

Have you seen Deja Vu yet?

:brows:

A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.



"No," he says, "The seat is empty."



"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"



The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."



"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"



The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Lol^^^

I know people like that.

While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass. :banghead:

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
> >>him that she needs to file her taxes.
> >>
> >>The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a
> >>few questions."
> >>
> >>He gets her name, address, social security number,
> >>etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
> >>
> >>"I'm a whore," she says.
> >>
> >>The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That
> >>won't work. Let's try to rephrase that.
> >>
> >>"The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
> >>
> >>"No, that still won't work. Try again."
> >>
> >>They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
> >>chicken farmer.
> >>
> >>"The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with
> >>being a prostitute?"
> >>
> >>"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
> >>
> >>...."Chicken Farmer it is."
> >>
>
>

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of
America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
Kansas, which She does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
Rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be Amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion Tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips ARE properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body-armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

:roflmao:

:roflmao: :rofl: :roflmao:

This actually sounded encouraging, especially 5, 8, and 14. :D Not until I got to 16 did I realize this was released from the Washington office of 'King George' as a way to pay the debts for him and the other 'noblemen' of the day.





<--- (quickly copies and pastes, ........flips open address book for a BIG To: mailing) :rofl:

From King George to General George and back to King George?

from tyranny, oppression and cruel taxes that subsidize the already wealthy elite to....uhm never mind, it's still the same:D

A man, apon hearing that he was riddled with cancer, inoperable and not long to go, called the head of Harvard Law School. He offered him a million bucks for a Law Degree and was granted one on the spot.

A few weeks later, as he passed away, all could hear the whispered mantra,












































































"One less lawyer, One less lawyer, One less lawyer . . . . ."

Neologism Awards Washington Post Invitational (2006)

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The WashingtonPost's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it 's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies,
"Well you see, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other is in Australia , and I am here in Dublin . When we all left home we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days that we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking a drink from each of them in turn.

One day he comes in and orders 2 pints, all the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss".

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.......
"Oh no", he says, "Everyone is fine, it's me..................I've quit drinking..............."

:roflmao:





Sure that be the way. :cheers:

:irish:

A Day in the Park
 

Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting
on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, Bless her heart, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

50-Yard Line
 

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

I knew I shouldn't have seen that movie.

Montana Women
 

One must watch out for those Montana Women!!!!


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.


The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from Nebraska and he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a girl from Montana and he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Funeral for a Cardiologist
 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral---I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

An old, but cute, blonde joke ...
 

A blonde walked into an ice cream shop and told the guy behind the counter, "I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."

The clerk replied, "I'm sorry, mamm. We're all out of chocolate ice cream right now."

"Oh," the blonde replied. Then, after thinking a minute, she said, "Okay, I'll have a half gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."

Thinking she misunderstood, he polietly replied, "I'm sorry, you must have mis-understood me. We have no chocolate ice cream ... no gallons, no half-gallons, no chocolate ice cream."

"Oh," the blonde replied. Again, though, after a pause she said, "I guess then, that I'll have a quart of chocolate ice cream."

Now frustrated, the store clerk repled, "Lady, I'm sorry, we don't have ANY chocolate ice cream! No gallons! No half-gallons! No quarts. NONE. NIL. Nothing. We're out of chocolate!!

"Oh," the blonde replied. "How about a pint of chocolate ice cream?"

To this, the clerk replied, "Lady, can you spell berry ... like in Strawberry?"

"Sure ... B ... E ... R ... R ... Y."

"Very good. Now, can you spell butter ... like in Butter Pecan?"

"I think so," she replied, "B ... U ... T ... T ... E ... R."

"That's wonderful," the clerk answered. Now, can you spell FUCK, like in chocolate?"

The blonde thought a moment and frowned and answered, "There's no fuck in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

:roflmao:

This is funny.

(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax. Read on..........



My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them
to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) :huh:

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinairre.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! :roflmao:

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip
CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? :yikes:

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still! perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake..
remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! :fone:

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we
go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with
a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck ! to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity
has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic
Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of
my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! :banghead:

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! :truce:

A Man's guide to PMS
 

Owwwwwch!!! I feel that pain! :eek:


The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!



1.DANGEROUS: 2.SAFER: 3.SAFEST: 4.ULTRA SAFE:

1. What's for dinner?
2. Can I help you with dinner?
3. Where would you like to go for dinner?
4. Here, have some wine.

1. Are you wearing that?
2. Wow, you sure look good in brown!
3. WOW! Look at you!
4. Here, have some wine

1. What are you so worked up about?
2. Could we be overreacting?
3. Here's my paycheck.
4. Here, have some wine.

1. Should you be eating that?
2. You know, there are a lot of apples left.
3. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
4. Here, have some wine.

1. What did you DO all day?
2. I hope you didn't over-do it today.
3. I've always loved you in that robe!
4. Here, have some more wine.




13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me (with) Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff,
and my favorite one,
13. Potential Murder Suspect



Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! ...Or men who need a warning.


{The first "bit" was supposed to be in tabular form - but it wouldn't Copy/Paste properly!}

DM

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to the question "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome
here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with
you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept
you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."


And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he
wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom, and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection
of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut
and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with
them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind
them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

:roflmao: ^^^^ :roflmao:

(That's for all 3 jokes!)

*Meow* Too funny!!!

a few days after christmas, a mother was cooking in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the play room. she heard the train stop and then her son said, "all you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off 'cause this is the last stop! and all you fuckheads who are getting on, get on 'cause we're haulin ass!"

the mom was shocked at her son's potty mouth so she went in there to tell him, "we do not use that kind of language in this house. you will to go to your room, young man, and stay there for two hours and think about why it is unacceptable to use that kind of language. when you come back out, you may play with your train again but i better not hear any more foul language out of you, mister."

about two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. the mom heard the train stop again and then her son said, "all passengers who are disembarking from the train, please kindly remember to take all of your belongings with you. we thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. we hope you will ride with us again soon. for those of you just boarding, we ask that you to stow all of your luggage securely under your seat. please remember there is no smoking on the train. we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

just as she was about to go into the play room to tell him how happy she was that he remembered not to use any curse words, the little boy said, "and for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO FUCKING HOUR delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen."

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring
Cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants
pocket and go so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is Worse?
1) having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

well, my penis is puffickly huge so no. 3 isn't an issue. :p

:wtp: