they blew away.

Two young boys meet, first day of Kindergarten.

"My father's a doctor."

"Oh?"

"Yes, a surgeon."

"My father's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

"No, just tho ordinary kind."

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied. "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
"Bartender, got any specials today?"



Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.



It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."



The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"



The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

Verrrrrrrrrrrrrry good.

You did not hear this from me.


Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North
Dakota'
for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and
pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised.

He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the
cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's
current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and
says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull
her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota,
didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

That is SO PI! :roflmao:

Too flipping funny!!!! Thanks Lilith, shhhhh I did'nt say that.

:rofl:

:roflmao: By yimminey by golly! Dat's a gut von.

:eek:


That's SO wrong!

more wrong than laughing at dead people? :p

Yes.

Some people just don’t get it right do they?


A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

OMG OldFart!! :roflmao:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

Dear Abby
 

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



See answer below ! !




Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States .. Act like one.





Sorry........ couldn't resist that one!! :D

DM

Where's that plane?!
 

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is

tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,

the door closes, and the engines start up.


The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that

this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.


The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in

the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge

of the airport.


As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,

panicked screams fill the cabin.


Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.


The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat

into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good

hands.


...... In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're

all gonna f***in' die."

These last three are terrific! :roflmao: Thanks Shadow Dancer and DM383!!!

Which is Better: Work or Prison?
 

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
WORK: you spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office

PRISON: you get three meals a day fully paid for
WORK: you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

PRISON: you get time off for good behavior
WORK: you get more work for good behavior

PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
WORK: you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

PRISON: you can watch TV and play games
WORK: you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

PRISON: you get your own toilet
WORK: you have to share the toilet with some people who may pee on the seat

PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit
WORK: you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

PRISON: all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
WORK: you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens
WORK: they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read stuff like this.

:)

And that didn't even mention ...

PRISON: free access to a college education
WORK: You pay all or some of the college costs

PRISON: free medical and dental care
WORK: co-pays, private insurance or pay it yourself

:(

Hmmm, IowaMan wonders if he can be thrown in jail for sexually molesting himself repeatedly without his own consent. :p

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"

Depends on where you do it! :D

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary as she closed up her cellphone.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"Dear God! What did you say to them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

i don't get it :confused:

just kiddin', that was a good one! :roflmao:

Here's an oldie but a goodie. I believe I first saw it back in the 80's in "Truly Tasteless Jokes"


What's the first thing that Adam said to Eve?

"You'd better stand back. I don't know how big this thing's gonna get."

What is flat and pink and smells like a vagina?






:p

A cartoon from our local paper.

Very funny in a local sort of way.

The Cowboy
 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat do wn next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women. " The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

LOL^^^^^! Good one DB.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?


A. Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan. :D

Overheard at a small Florida airport ... :)
 

Heard at Gainesville, Florida Airport:

Cessna: Gainesville tower, Cessna Three Four Five, seven west with Tango.

Tower: Cessna One Two Three Four Five, cleared to land Runway six.

Cessna: We'd prefer Runway one zero, we have some passengers to drop off at the terminal.

Tower: Cessna Three Four Five, you can't do that, you have to use the general aviation FBO.

Cessna: We called ahead and they said we could drop them off as long as we stayed clear of the gate.

Tower: I don't know who told you that, but I'll ask the airport manager.

Tower (a short time later): Cessna Three Four Five. I'm sorry, but you can't taxi to the terminal. However, if you'd like I can clear you for a low approach, and your passengers can jump out as you fly by.

Cessna: (Laughs) How about I just use Runway six?

Florida State Trooper
 

A Florida State Trooper pulled a car over on I-75. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Sarasota to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk tourist, from Michigan, got out and watched the performance briefly, h e then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

UCLA Study
 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

They tried doing a study on women going through "The Change", but none of the researchers lived to tell about it.

Miss Beatrice
 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

PESTICIDE is for killing insects!


A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist,
'I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it.
Where do I find 'em?' The pharmacist replied,
'Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4.'

'No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it,' growled the farmer.

'Sir,' said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining,
'PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm.
I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.'

'Listen here, ' argued the farmer, 'I want condoms with
PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.'

A woman was on a hospital tour when she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating furiously. Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I am very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's okay" commented the woman.

But in the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke ever so calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

Short, and to the point!! :)

DM