I'm just doing some spring cleaning of my hard drive and thought I'd post a few of the many things I've received, mostly from dad. Hopefully they aren't repeats.

And a couple more:

Could anybody possibly picture this happening at the next PAGAN outing? I've gotta think that one of our Pixies gentlemen would come talk to this lovely lady.

and

How about this for a casual Friday dress code?

Bad day at Hallmark
 

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day ..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your friends and I wanted to do
smething special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Oh yeah, thanks Soda, IM and DM ... those were terrific!!

:roflmao:

Games 2014
 

As you know, Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow's bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:


OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Castlemilk, in the traditional dress of Burberry baseball cap and a white shell suit.

The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.


100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police Dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)


HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.


FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.


SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.

The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.


CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.


CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.


MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, underage drinking and arson.


SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".


THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.


MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing...


THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.........

DM

I realise some (most?!) of you will never have heard of the majority of the content in th^s.... but I thought it was as funny as fcuk! So there! :nana:

DM

Sounds like Scotland has gone a long way to make the games fun and interesting. :boink:


:roflmao:

:irish: It's getting close to the special day. :nana:


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
For an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."


Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is
Enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
Ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



;)

*snicker*

Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"
Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?"
Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the
porch and sat down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died
some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!"
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just
laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me!'"
Defense Attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Lady: "No! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I
shot him, the little bastard!"

Bullfrogs & Blow jobs
>
>A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
>looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told
>the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
>
>"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
>trained to give blow jobs!"
>
>"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
>
>"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
>
>The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
>more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
>
>When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
>skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
>may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
>
>In the
>
>middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying
>everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
>downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
>cookbooks.
>
>"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
>
>The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

:roflmao:

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, right ?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

Lmao

You need to think a bit for this!
 

The Midget


I was on a train in Glasgow a few weeks ago and a midget got on, a proper wee midget with a Bargain Booze cerry oot bag. It was quite busy on the train so his bag couldnae go on a seat and I could see him looking up to the overhead rack.

A certain good Samaritan was kind enough to say,
"would you like me to put that up"..... he said,
"aye", and it was done, but it wasn't upright and through the gap in the bars his half bottle of vodka fell out and smashed on the floor.

He stands up red in the face as the inspector comes along to see what's
going on.

The inspector asked if it was his, the midget says,
"aye...and Ah'm no' happy".

Cue for a lone voice from the back of the carriage to say......






















"well....whit wan urr ye then?"


Apologies to all non-glesga speakers out there!!

DM

Very funny. Yep, took a moment.

Actual Aussie court case???
 

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to

smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Don't Mess with Ol' Folks
 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some of us (like me) are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print didn't you????????

Good Reading
 

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What lies at the bottom of the Ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Q: How do you kill an entire circus at once?

A: Go for the juggler.

First time!
 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul,Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their
husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
"Land Mines."


MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN

^^^^ Yep. No doubt about it. :roflmao:

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves
standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the
Kingdom, they had
to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where
they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to
hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate
Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to
hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and
St. Peter said, "So,
tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover
feast with His disciples
when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
arrested him. The Romans
hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then
they buried Him in a
tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews
roll away the
boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his
shadow, we have six more
weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted

Roflmao

They Walk Among Us
 

They walk among us.

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us.

A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

They walk among us.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and ssaid, "Where?"

They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They walk among us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They walk among us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."


Yep,

They walk among us, AND they reproduce!

In the Beginning
 

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Liver and Cheese
 

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .

(ok this is good)



"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

Ø 40-ish..................................49.
Ø Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic................................No breasts.
Ø Average looking.....................Moooo.
Ø Beautiful..............................Pathologica l liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure..................On medication.
Ø Feminist...............................Fat.
Ø Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
Ø Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
Ø New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Ø Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional...........................Bitch.
Ø Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Ø Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes.....................................No
Ø No......................................Yes
Ø Maybe.................................No
Ø We need...............................I want
Ø I'm sorry.............................You'll be sorry
Ø We need to talk......................You're in trouble
Ø Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Ø Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
Ø I am not upset........................Of course, I'm upset, you moron!
Ø You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry...........................I am hungry
Ø I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
Ø I am tired..............................I am tired
Ø Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
Ø I love you..............................Let's have sex now
Ø I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?
Ø May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

Liver and cheese :roflmao:

"Lie"-Clocks
 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are

all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a

Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh,"

said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands

have never moved, indicating That she never told a lie." "Incredible," said

the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham

Lincoln's clock. The hands Have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only

two lies in his entire Life." "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the
man. "Hillary's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007

# 10. Life is sexually transmitted.

# 9. Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die

# 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich.

# 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.

# 6. Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help
but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

# 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing

# 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

# 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax
cut saves you thirty cents???

# 2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Ready for more blonde jokes?
 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

-----

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

-----

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

-----

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

-----

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

-----

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

-----

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads."You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

-----

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was,"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

-----

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Leroy
 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids....

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down, Leroy." All the
children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one, he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then, I call them by their last names."

A trip to WalMart
 

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares ... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Baked Beans
 

Extract from the diary of a BB fan........

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted.

Oops!
 

Nuff said!!

Public Information
 

........ well, it could be!!

Finally.........
 

...... sometimes, translation leaves a little to be desired!!



Hope you liked these!! :)

DM

Finally, the answers to the 5 most important questions in the world:

Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".


Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."


Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q4. WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
take your house and car with them.


Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.


Now, you know everything you need to know.

READ TEXT FIRST!

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo which she used last night....You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....You circle the car looking for
dents and find none....
But ....
Wait a minute....