Had a visit just yesterday. Maybe I should've given this a try.

It's tempting.

The WalMart Greeter
 

A very loud, unattractive, unkempt, angry woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them and jerking them around all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart greeter said, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say to him, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid,"' replied the gr eeter, never losing his calm demeanor. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

A blond in Starbucks
 

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...




(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)










"W I N A B A G E L"

See what 100 years does ...
 

THE YEAR 1907

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

The year is 1907. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. Had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, (Attention IowaMan!) Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
The average wage in the US. Was 22 Cents per hour.
The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist made $2,500 per year,
A veterinarian $1,500 per year,
And a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. Took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people :yikes: from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
Hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Now you could send an email with this in it all over the United States and possibly the world, in a matter of just Seconds!!!

Just Try to imagine ... what it may be like in another 100 years !!! IT STAGGERS THE MIND !!!

Scots - wha' hey!
 

Who said Scots romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the lonely-hearts column.


Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 3/41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

DM

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

>>

>> A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant

>> operated by a fellow cannibal.

>>

>> Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

>>

>> + Broiled Missionary: $10.00

>> + Fried Explorer: $15.00

>> + Grilled Republican: $20.00

>> + Baked Democrat: $100.00

>>

>> The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price

>> difference for the Democrat?'

>>

>> The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

>>

>> They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" :D

>>>Oil Change instructions for Women:
> >>>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> >>>the last oil change.
> >>>2) Drink a cup of coffee
> >>>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> >>>maintained vehicle.
> >>>Money spent:
> >>>Oil Change: $20.00
> >>>Coffee: $1.00
> >>>Total: $21.00
> >>>
> >>>Oil Change instructions for Men :
> >>>1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
of
> >>>oil, filter, kitty litter , hand cleaner and a scented tree, write
> >>>a check for $50.00.
> >>>2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive
>home.
> >>>3) Open a beer and drink it.
> >>>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> >>>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> >>>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> >>>7) Place drain pan under engine.
> >>>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> >>>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> >>>1 0) Unscrew drain plug.
> >>>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> >>>process. Cuss.
> >>>12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> >>>Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> >>>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> >>>14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> >>>15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> >>>filter and twist off.
> >>>16 Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> >>>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter in trash can
> >>>to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> >>>17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> >>>to gasket surface.
> >>>18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> >>>19) Remember drain plug from step 11..
> >>>20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> >>>21) Drink beer.
> >>>22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> >>>Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> >>>23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
> >>>24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> >>>oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench
> >>>tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
> >>>excess skin between knuckles a nd frame.
> >>>25) Begin cussing fit.
> >>>26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> >>>27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling
trophy.
> >>>28) Beer.
> >>>29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> >>>30) Beer.
> >>>31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> >>>32) Beer.
> >>>33) Lower car from jack stands.
> >>>34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> >>>during any missed steps.
> >>>35) Beer.
> >>>36) Test drive car.
> >>>37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> >>>38) Car gets impounded.
> >>>39) Call loving wife, make bail.
> >>>40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >>>
> >>>Money spent:
> >>>Parts: $50.0 0
> >>>DUI: $2500.00
> >>>Impound fee: $75.00
> >>>Bail: $1500.00
> >>>Beer: $20.00
> >>>Total: $4,145.00
> >>>But you know the job was done right!
> >

That's not quite fair to us guys Soda. Beer doesn't cost $20/case. :rofl:

Maybe not............but it was funny. :D

Besides, who said we could do it with just one case of beer anyway. :shrug:


:D

Call Centers
 

Got this in an email and thought it was cute ...

-----

Customer: "I've been ringing 700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RACE Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure..."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ####@@& stupid to own a computer.

Attention Pixie Men
 

I can't remember if this has been posted before or not ... but ... as a public service to the guys at Pixies I offer it again ...

These are words women use that men need to understand!

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men . A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying screw you.

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

:D good ones DB. Gotta say the one about the call centers hit pretty close to home. Experienced many calls of the kind while a manager at one for a credit card company. Yep, the customer is always right. :rofl:

Subject: But She Loves Him
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket
>>calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
>>
>>Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Mamm,
>>the Crisco is in aisle 3."
>>
>>The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the
>>cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband.
>>He's in here somewhere"
>>
>>The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is
>>Crisco?"
>>
>>The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that
>>
>>when we're out in public."
>>
>>"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at
>>home?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Lard ass.."
>>

Subject: Grandmas
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Grandmas don't know everything
>>
>>Little Tony was staying with his Grandmother for a few days.
>>He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came
>>into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when 2
>>people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
>>Â
>>She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the
>>truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"
>>Â
>>Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with
>>the other kids.
>>Â
>>A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
>>isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
>>mom wants to talk to you."
>>

Subject: The Mailman
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Subject: The Mailman
>>
>>
>>
>>One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
>>route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars
were
>>in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming
>>out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks
like you
>>guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
>>
>>Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday
night. This
>>
>>
>>
>>is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We
>>
>>
>>
>>had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some
>>
>>
>>
>>weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around
>>
>>
>>
>>midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'"
>>
>>The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a
>>sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in
the
>>sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
>>
>>
>>
>>The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
seven
>>times...."
>>

Subject: Picture On The Nightstand
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
>>Man on her nightstand by the bed.
>>
>>He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
>>"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>>
>>"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
>>
>>"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>>
>>"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
>>Reassured.
>>
>>"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
>>
>>"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
>>
>>"That's me before the surgery."Â Â
>>

Here be Teeth!
 

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,

"You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself.."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says,

"LOOK, I DON'T have ANY teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies,

"Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Irish Dieting
 

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc advises:

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat two days, skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
>should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded...

"I'll tell you though, by Jesuz, I t'aut I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No", the Irishman said, "from feckin' skipping"........

Don't know........
 

....... how well this'll go down, but it is funny!!

Hope you liked these,

DM

It is funny dm!!!!!

dm383,

Ho ho! :thumb:

An oldie but a goodie that is in the new Playboy. It's got WI written all over it. :nod:


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could put another pair of breasts there. :rofl:

lmfao!!!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all
talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most
beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must
be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo (the
Huntchback of Notre Dame) said, "I absolutely have to
be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of
World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping
Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I
am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly
confused and says. "Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?"

:D

You Can't Fix Stupid!
 

Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place:
Buxton, NC: A man died on a bea ch when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

As Ron White often says: "You can't fix stupid." These people prove that it is a terminal condition.

As always, competition this year has been keen.

Third Place:
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather &Firearms; A handgun shop!
2. The shop was full of customers -- firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked
police patrol ca r parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup, and fired a few wild shots from a target
pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9 mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparentl y failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
TACOMA , WA. Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night.

There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.

With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens."

Which REALLY proves; "You Can't Fix Stupid " !

Ladies Loo's Info Line!
 

(Loo's = Toilets, for those who don't know!! :) )


>When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women
>waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally
>gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
>
>Every cubicle is occupied.
>
>But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
>woman leaving the cubicle.
>
>You get in to find the door won¹t lock. It doesn¹t matter, the wait has
>been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
>modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on
>the door hook if there was one, but there isn¹t so you carefully, but
>quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the
>position".
>
>In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
>You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken time to wipe
>the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".
>
>To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for
>the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it¹s empty, the
>toilet roll dispenser is empty...You hover looking around in the hope
>there's a new roll behind you * no such luck. Your thighs start to
>shake more.
>
>Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday
>the one that¹s still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck &
>shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very
>unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths
>of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your
>thumbnail.
>
>Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't
>work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding
>your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue,
>the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and
>topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door
>shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just
>managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on
>the floor.
>
>If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up
>and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT
>
>Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
>
>Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ &
>life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
>
>By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
>confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire
>hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely
>covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various
>life forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped
>to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
>
>The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab
>onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
>
>At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
>wet toilet seat.
>
>You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper
>you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
>sinks.
>
>You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands
>underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the
>basin itself.
>
>You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting,
>where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand
>blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
>
>You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an
>unspoken nderstanding between you all.
>
>A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you
>have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that
>when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in
>the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
>
>As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
>left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is
>your handbag hanging around your neck?"
>
>This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It
>also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long
>and it also answers that commonly asked question * Why do women always
>go to the loos in pairs?
>
>It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you
>tissue under the door!
>
>'NUFF SAID ...

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"










"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

But she's not what she's quacked up to be.

Should of seen Puddle's comming. LOL

Did she make a splash?

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

NOW THIS IS DRUNK:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story; told by the driver at his first AA meeting!

NEVER tell a woman she can't cook!
 

As if!!

Sometimes, sorry ISN'T the hardest word....
 

The 1st part is a girl's apology email for cheating.
2nd is his hilarious reply which was forwarded to HIS entire address
book and is now circulating everywhere.

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I
would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or
anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us
had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you
being p1ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly
words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking
that you see me as a different person. It is weird, The world looked
funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are
songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if
you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I
know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is
something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and
stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and
weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect
that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I
hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person,
because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back
what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

******************************************

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes
while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you
ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm
not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a
public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to
think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean
slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny"
to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most
unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24
hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think
you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the
mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your
average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,

Brad


Heeheehee

DM

Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Damn well done, who-ever you are, Brad.