A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
> kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
> grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
> note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I
> need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
> big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
> She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
> to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
> to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
> as she had instructed.
> Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I
> cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Sex with a Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker),
confided to her coworkers she had three goals
for her trip to the Lone Star State ;


1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you,
they have a tree down there called a Mesquite
and when they slow cook that brisket
over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. ?
The taste is unbelievable!"

"And I went to a real rodeo.
Talk about athletes...
those guys wrestle full grown bulls!
They ride horses at a full gallop,
then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns
and throw them to the ground!
It is just incredible!"
They then asked,,

"Well, tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? ?
When I saw the outline of the condom
they carry in the back pocket of their jeans,
I changed my mind!" ?

There was a family gathering, with a number of generations around the table. The teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excused himself to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all down the front.

"What happened, Grandpa?", he was asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answered, "I don't really know...I had to go to the bathroom...so I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

Oops.
 

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Hmmmmm
 

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

Sentimental
 

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .

Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

The funeral service
 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Senility
 

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Ah ... er ... well ...
 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Senility Prayer
 

Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

:)

Two blondes ... yikes ...
 

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Senior Day at the Beach

A cop stops a biker dude for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
The cop asks the biker his name.
"Fred," The biker replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along
with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself,
studied hard and got good grades. When I got older,
I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my
degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided
to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
I got all the way through school, got my degree,
so then I was Fred Dingaling,MD, DDS."
"I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with
my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD."
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out
about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

The Puppy


The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and snuck him on to the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.

"Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.

"Are you sure you're all right, sir?"

"Yes," the man insisted. "But I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK."

"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"

Tacky.

Damn good, but tacky.

Thanks, Winston77.

What gets longer when pulled?
Fits between your boobs??
Inserts neatly in a hole and
works best when jerked???













































A SEAT BELT YOU PERVERT!!! BUCKLE UP - It's The LAW!!! |

Be On The Lookout ... Idiot Sightings
 

Got this in an email ...

Idiot Sightings!!!! Be careful, be v-e-r-y careful....

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears (could have been anyone) repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower”. I responded that ½ was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two”.

We haven't used Sears repair since.

__________________________________________________ _______________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore”.

From Kingman , KS
__________________________________________________ _______________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce”. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef? Yep...!

__________________________________________________ _______________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask”.

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

__________________________________________________ _______________

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!?"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
__________________________________________________ _______________

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:

She was leaving the company due to "downsizing”. Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often”. Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instrument.

__________________________________________________ _______________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

She was a deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

__________________________________________________ _______________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It’s open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side”.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

Stella Awards
 

Another e-mail jewel ...


I don't know what's worse...the person suing or the jury of their 'peers'!

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses

1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.

The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around

Disorder in the Court
 

This may have been posted before ... but ... it's delightful and could use a return visit ...

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."

They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteen.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Did he kill you?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

--------------------------------------------------

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.

Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by environmental Factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tom and Mary listened to The Instructor declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are Important to each other."

Starting with the man, the instructor asked : "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touching Mary's arm gently, and whispered : "Self-raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Tom's life of celibacy.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.



The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



So to avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.



The third through sixth floors .......


have never been visited!

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.


Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did before the next
race.

Sure enough, the priest stepped onto the track as the 5th race horses
lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of them.


Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest
blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

Mitch was elated! As the day wore on, the priest continued blessing
horses, and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew
his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the
ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would
tell him which horse to bet on.


True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the
horses.

Mitch bet every cent on the horse and lo and behold the horse ended
last, crossing the finish line so far behind the bunch and almost in a
state of dying.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found
the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you
blessed horses and they won.

The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you,
I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants.
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last
Rites!"

Do Elephants Really Have a Good Memory?

I don't usually like these heart-warming stories, but this one is truly
interesting...

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
North-western University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mike approached it very carefully. He
got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply imbedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with
his hunting knife. The elephant gingerly put down his foot..

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on
it's face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mike stood frozen, thinking about being trampled. Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty-one years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his teenaged sons.

As they approached the elephant closure, one of the elephants turned and
walked over to where Mike and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as
smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her
fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.The eel spit on her face a little bit and then, All of a sudden she grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung
there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB



1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.



Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

:roflmao:

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"

"Yes," Says grandpa.




"Then go fuck yourself!"

A Spanish teacher was explaining to the class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa", while "pencil" however, is masculine: "el lapiz".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers
from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?

This is for the moms with little boys.....
 

Ok I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture. Therefore, I am the only one who would be using female products, Correct? Well a strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing. It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. The next month (during that time), I go back to my cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure? I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to forgetfullness, but am really wondering now.

Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and low and behold! at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves! Now I am starting to freak...Dear God, What are they doing with them?!! I get a hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an adult" and can handle this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?" I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!"

With their usual lavk of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet. I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!" My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent. My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says,

"Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND.....GO PLAY"

Lmao^^^^

In this life I'm a woman...

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When your a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a gilr bear, you birth your children (who ar the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup....gonna be a bear.

The Husband Shopping Center...(now at the local mall?)
 

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where women could go to choose--from among many men--a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as one ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once a woman opened the door to any floor, she must choose a man from that floor and, if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

A couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. At the first floor, the door had a sign reading :"These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and one said to the other "Well that is better than not having jobs, or not loving kids but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: These men have high paying jobs, loves kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm, " says one of the girls, " But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign read: " These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the house work."

"Wow!" said one of the girls, "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, they go up.

The forth floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romatic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," says one friend, " but just think! What could be waiting for us on the top floor!"

So up to the fifth floor they go--and the sign on that door reads: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

Ruth, in the passengers seat, thought to herself, " I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through. This time, Ruth was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay closer attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they blew right through it. She turned to the driver and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, " Oh shit! Am I driving?"

Lol

Too near the bone.

LOL

Towel dropping wife!
 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…“Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

The cherry bomb contraceptive
 

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy
when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the
man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold
to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

Boy in the cupboard
 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing
that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to whom?"

The boy says, "To a friend of mine for $1,000."

The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my
cupboard now"!!

Busy barber
 

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks,"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

:D