Be forewarned, the following is not politically correct by any stretch...

The following are the latest terror alerts throughout Europe:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves
have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

That's ^^^^^funny.

Subject: Eat to Live, Or Live to Eat ?



Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80, or more?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing in the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit?"

Sign In A Store Window
 

dicksbro,

Good One! :)

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you ain't got the fifteen bucks, get the hell outta my cab !"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport ?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks." came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way ?"

"What ?!? Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport ?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK." And off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

:rofl:

There are some nasty people in this world. Good one.

The Nagger

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?' Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally
realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give
him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had
assigned their new wives specific household duties.

The first man had married a woman from Iowa. He told her that
she was required to wash the dishes and clean the house. It
took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a
clean house with dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Minnesota. He had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the house
cleaning, to wash the dishes, and to do all of the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but on the second day
he saw that the situation was getting better. By the third
day, he saw that the house was clean, the dishes were washed,
and there was a splendid dinner on the table.

The third man had married a woman from California. He told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes
washed, the lawn mowed, the clothes laundered, and hot food on
the table for every meal. The first day he couldn't see
anything, and the second day he couldn't see anything. By the
third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could
see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to
eat and load the dishwasher.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me. So I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre. So I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

A cocky State Highway employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highway employee said, "I have the authority of the Government to go where I want. You see this card from Homeland Security? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on your farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highway employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out loud, "Show him your card, show him your card!!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will continue to fiddle with a coat hanger until long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the supermarket, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know exactly what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will ventually say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repairman gets here and has to put it back together.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole programme looking for it.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
Because I'm a man, there's no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The honest answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And if you're feeling amorous afterwards.. ..then I'll certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... .like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I see flat-pack furniture as a challenge to have the greatest possible number of left over and unused components at the end. If the assembled furniture doesn't collapse within the hour, this is merely seen as a bonus.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I don't have to ask for directions. Unknown to women, the penis contains a magnetic homing device enabling men to know exactly where they are on the Earth's surface at all times. If we do get lost, it's because our wives have used too much girly fabric conditioner on our underwear, thereby blocking out the magnetic rays.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I can and will fart loudly and often. It's our way of marking our territory. If we didn't do it, burglars would come. You wouldn't want that, would you?

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Subject: FW: Dwarf Nuns



The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the
Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment,
and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, slightly perplexed "Your Worship, are there any
dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back now really concerned and says, "Your extreme holiness!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding
the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10
to 15 times a night?"

"Shit!" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary."

"Dopey shagged a penguin!" :roflmao:

That one is absolutely great OF! :thumb:

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.



The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual de-masculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Remarkable Look Alikes
 

A friend sent me a note with this URL listed. Cute. Amazing how alike some do look.

http://www.cosmictribune.org/lookalikes.htm


Ron

First rule of being a Viking.


Rape and pillage first, then burn.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the
fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a
chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't
you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers
down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken."


He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she
could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said "Oh my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and
GIZZARDS!!!

She tried to stroke it and it spat at her, so she broke it's neck.

OMG!!! Joan Crawford & Michael Jackson! How scary.

Most of these we've seen before, just count this as a compilation.



Quotes about Sex

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."

--Tom Clancy



"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

--Steve Martin



"You know that look women get when they want sex? . . .Me neither."

--Drew Carey



"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

--Woody Allen



"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

--Unknown



"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

--Rodney Dangerfield



"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."

--Bill Kelly



"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." -- Rev. Sydney Smith



"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

--Woody Allen



"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."

--Sam Austin



"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

--George Burns



"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

--Matt Barry



"Leaving sex to the clergy is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

--Camille Paglia



"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."

--Unknown



"My kid had sex with your honours student."

--Bumper Sticker



"My sexual preference is not you."

--Tshirt



"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."

--Michael Sinz



"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."

--Woody Allen



"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."

--Lynn Lavner



"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."

Magic Beer

A woman meets an attractive man in a bar and asks him what he is drinking.

'Magic Beer,' he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?'

'Yes, I'll show you.'

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.'

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.'

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk. '

Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"


Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit!"



Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,

"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."


A Sign Of Change

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"

The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"

The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"

The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife , "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."

"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks

Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.

"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"

"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"

"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"

"Yes, of course," said Sidney. "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"

"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"

Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"

Excellent! :thumb:

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, "Seven feet tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty inch private, three pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me… I'm seven
feet tall, I weigh three hindred fifty pounds, I have a twenty inch
private, my testicles weighs three pounds each, and my name is Turner
Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!… Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
Turn around".

I guess we have all had days like this


Timing is often everything.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

How Do They Survive?
 

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today ." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the ba tteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was place d in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. <--- I LOVE THAT

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emerg ency room!





Life is sure tough for some, isn't it?

The Monk
 

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.



He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"







The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fixes his car.








As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.















The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.















He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.















The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."















Distraught, the man is forced to leave.















Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.















The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."















The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."















The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."















The man sets about his task.















After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.















"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:















By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."















The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."















The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."















The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.















Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.















The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.















And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
















Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."













The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!















With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......








































But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

Bampot!!! :trout:

:)

DM

Yep, I think DM got that one about right. :D

Shame on you DB! :whack:......... :roflmao:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
Breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I
Have just one problem... It's these breasts you have given me. The
Middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them
With my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
Pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only
Two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point", replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
You know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
Only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right
Away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
Into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the
Animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All
The animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
Could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
Create a man from a part of you. Now let's see......where did I put the
Useless boob?"

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure.


It seems the in Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant; in India they didn't know what 'honest' meant; in Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant; in China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant; in the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant; in South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Just heard on TV.

Dyslexic creationism.

The story of Adam and Ewe.

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible> sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

:roflmao:

A Fairy Tale
 

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:


Once upon a time


~~~~~~~~


in a land far away,


~~~~~~~~


a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess


~~~~~~~~


happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.


~~~~~~~~


The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


~~~~~~~~


One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry


~~~~~~~~


and set up housekeeping in your castle


~~~~~~~~


with my mother,


~~~~~~~~


where you can prepare my meals,


~~~~~~~~


clean my clothes, bear my children,


~~~~~~~~


and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~


That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sautéed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't {bleeping} think so.

A Fairy Tale
 

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:


Once upon a time


~~~~~~~~


in a land far away,


~~~~~~~~


a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess


~~~~~~~~


happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.


~~~~~~~~


The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


~~~~~~~~


One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry


~~~~~~~~


and set up housekeeping in your castle


~~~~~~~~


with my mother,


~~~~~~~~


where you can prepare my meals,


~~~~~~~~


clean my clothes, bear my children,


~~~~~~~~


and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~


That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sautéed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't {bleeping} think so.

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking...

Water vs.wine

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as
a public service.