A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging Two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a While a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the Pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there Are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says The little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you Get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of SYDNEY FOOTBAL STADIUM. Each time there's a ROOSTERS football game on, a Lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my Flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes With a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks His little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or Off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing!"

A stranger to Glasgow met his pal at the station. It was obvious that
someone had recently punched his face.

His pal asked,

"What on earth happened to you then?"

The chap replied,

"I've no idea why, but a barmaid just belted me in the
face!

I was just killing a bit of time in a pub and my luggage bag was in the
way, so I asked the barman if he would mind keeping it behind the bar.

He was happy to do this. When I went back to collect it later, this
barmaid was on duty.

All I said to her was, 'Any chance of getting my holdall?' and she hit
me!"

Remins me of a T-shirt a friend bought me (20+) years ago;

"Don't drink water - fish fuck in it!"

Heehee........ and yes, I did wear it!! :D

DM

Hopefully football fans in the southern US don't hate me for this one, I'm just passing it along. I've heard many of these in different contexts (1nutworld, osuche and PF had a few of them going pretty well before the Ohio St./Michigan game last fall).

Football Quiz
Whoopie! It's football season! Fall weather! Cookouts! Picnics! Best socializing of the year! Here is the traditional collegiate football quiz to begin the season. Even though you may know most of the answers, it is still fun to reminisce the halcyon days of yore.

1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SAT's?
..........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
.........His freshman year.

(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None -- that's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........ Baton Rouge , Louisiana . He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash).....
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week .

I'm not touching this one.

:roflmao:

A Woman's Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my ver! y best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. Bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit". The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...Size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit... It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see.. Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34." A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I
rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes !"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she Screamed for over six hours!"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman
Asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six Hours?"

The Italian man said, " I wiped my hands on the Bedspread".

Mom, I'm Pregnant
 

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Now here's some good thoughts ...
 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America? Good question

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"


And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Minnesota farmer
 

A Minnesota Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smartass!!"

New Chemical Element

There is proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element, called Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

:roflmao: ^^^^ See, you don't have to joke to get a laugh around here! ^^^^ :roflmao:

 A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Faith Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.”

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died" Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now.” Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!”

The Birds and the Bees
 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me adults don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

'Almost' True Story...

A South Georgia farmer dies and, being a heathen, goes to Hell. When he gets there it's 95° with 90% humidity. But Satan notices he's kicked back on the brimstone relaxing comfortably. He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?" The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in south Georgia. I like it."

Angry, Satan turns up the thermos until it's 100° and 95% humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."

Furious, Satan turns it up to 105°and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the south Georgia farmer still laying there resting. "Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay. Feels good." "The hotter the better."

In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25°F. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.

The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere, realizes that Hell has frozen over, and begins to laugh, jump for joy and scream.

"Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida!"

Ed was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, "AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.







Ed has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *snort* HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !

I told the same joke to mrs zoid today, substituting Tennessee for Georgia...

It got a hoot out of her...

The Scotsman, The Englishman & The Irishman Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. - All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. "Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "But it did happen to me sister."

The Golf Bet
 

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The Priest said, 'Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, 'I'll marry them.' :p

Senior Marriage
 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Bridal Registry.............ROFLMAO!!!!!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from southern
Virginia arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled;
'Come on,this Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down and
squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings, her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know. I thought you were
watching.'

Moral of the story:

Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men . . . are men.

Pachelbel's Canon
 

This is cute: Pachelbel Rant

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma;
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

Loved it.

WOW!!! The scientists have really been busy this month! On the heels of their most recent discovery of Governmentium, they've discovered two MORE elements!



Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!



Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

How to get a man to wash his hands
 

Possibly a re-post, but I KNOW Aqua (and others) will like it!!

I do! :D

DM

Jeez, don't let Aqua find this place! He'll wear the skin clean off his hands...

And PF'll go nutsier trying to get the knickers off.

D'you think it wiser NOT to tell him where i is then? Or should we...... just for a giggle?!?! :devil:

DM

Be nice!
 

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Walmart with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Walmart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children
you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9
and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
plain stupid?''

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got
laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

DM,

Wait till we have access to the security film.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out,
and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the
cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were
very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they
do their business behind a headstone or something. The
first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off
her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend
however was wearing an expensive underwear set and
didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a
grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After
finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the
other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out
have got to stop. My wife came home last night without
her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine
came back with a sympathy card stuck between the
cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

One of the junior Oldfarts (my younger daughter) sent me this.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got China in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.



Her boss asked sympathetically, "what's the matter?"



The blonde replies, "early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."



The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."



"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."



The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.



"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.



"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"




I think this one's been around already, but one more time wont hurt anybody hey?
The Top Ten Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women...

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9.



10. They have boobs.

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .






"OK, Monica, you're free to go."



:D