Pa-tooooie.

This is a repeat, but for those who haven't heard it before,


MY PRIVATE PART DIED TODAY"

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with
his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas. "

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my
private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?"


You're going to love this..................




















"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

The difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey you, get off my cloud" while the Scotsman sings "Hey, McCloud, get off :ewe: :ewe: :ewe: my ewe."

:roflmao:

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A:"Gifted"

Q: What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?

A: A Golden Retriever Q: How do blonde brains cells die?

A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What did the blonde say to the doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: Are you sure it's mine?

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?

A: Because that's where you're suppose to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde in the car with you?

A: Cause then you can park in the handicap zones.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Why shouldn't blondes be allowed to take coffee breaks?

A: It takes to long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if a second blonde has used the same computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A: You only have to put information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?

A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get the shopping channel.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?

A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water in those little boxes.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?

A: Because they can't get their heads in the jar.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMW's?

A: Because they can spell it Q: Why do blondes right T.G.I.F. on their shoes?

A: To help them remember T.oes G.o I.n F.irst.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on each side of her?

A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

A: A mental block.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?

A: Blow in her ear.

Q: What's the first thing that a blonde does in the morning?

A: Introduces herself.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?

A: Thanks for the refill!

Q: What is is called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

A: Data Transfer.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress while reading her name tag?

A: "Debbie"...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?

A: They are easier to keep amuzed.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. She just holds the light bulb and the world revolves around her!

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a Veterinarian?

A: Because she loved children.....

Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?

A: She missed the earth.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

A: She slipped off the sink and broke her ankle.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that dropped out of nursing school?

A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.

Q: Why did the blonde stare intently on the carton of orange juice?

A: It said "concentrate".

Q: What do they call four blondes in a Volkswagon?

A: Far-from-thinkin'.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said "From 2 to 4 years".

Q: How many blondes does it tak to play hide and seek?

A: Just one, and she's STILL trying to find herself!

Q: What do you call the skeleton in the closet?

A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

Q: Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?

A: Because they can't figure out how to get 8 cups of water and a cup of sugar in those little packets..

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

A: Blow in her ear.

Q: why did the blonde fail her driver's license exam?

A: She wasn't used to the front seat.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A: ....I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?

A: Two. One to stand in the bath tub of water and the other to plug in and pass her the blow dryer.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket and riding on a motorcycle?

A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number "Eleven"?

A: She didn't know which of the one's came first.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A: Air pockets.

Q: What can strike a blonde without them ever knowing it?

A: A thought.

Q: Why do blondes hate M & M's?

A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: What's brown and red....and black and blue all over?

A: A beat up brunette that told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What does Dr. "Bones" McCoy say just before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?

A: SPACE....The final frontier.

Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a tall building, who hit the ground first?

A: The brunette, the blonde stopped to ask for directions.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by some people's words?

A: Because these people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

A: They both eventually end up in the gutter.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

A: So men and brunettes can understand them too.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: "Frosted Flakes"

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has actually been seen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she was asked if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz?

A: "No, but I've been pulled aroung by my ponytail."

Q: What do blondes and cow "patties" have in common.

A: They both get easier to pick up with age.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in just 6 months?

A: Because on the box it read:"From 2 to 4 years."

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

A: Tell her a joke on Friday nights.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of cheerios?

A: "Oh looky!!! Donut seeds!!!!!"

Q: How does a blonde discribe in words how it feels being surrounded by a bunch of drooling idiots?

A: "Flattered."

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?

A: Because they can't spell Porsche.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?

A: A "Branch" Manager.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They are both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Turns out....neither could the blondes.

Q: What is the blondes "cheer"?

A: "I'm a blonde, I'm a blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh...oh well....

I'm a blonde, I'm a blonde, yea..yea...yea!"

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker and the bottom of the pool.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: "SPOT."

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair in ponytails?

A: To hide the air valve stems.

Q: What do you call you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A: Space invader.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's disposable diaper once every month?

A: Because it says right on the package: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: How does a blonde High-five?

A: She smacks herself on the forehead.

Q: How do you amuze a blonde for hours?

A: Just write, "Place this side down" on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite Rock Group?

A: Air Supply.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde with P.M.S. and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Q: Why do blondes die before help arrives?

A: They always forget the "1-1" when they dial "9-1-1".

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eye?

A: The back of her head.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing panty hose?

A: When she passes gas, she blows her shoes off.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

A: Marriage.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You Don't. They're born that way.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde write mysteries?

A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How does a blonde balance her check book?

A: On the end of one finger, but on her nose if she's really good at it.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?

A: There's a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She can get the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What is five miles long, makes a whining noise and has an IQ of 40?

A: Blondes on Parade.

Q: To a blonde what is it that is long and hard?

A: The fourth grade.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Pitbull?

A: Lipstick.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: Because she didn't eat red meat anyway.

Q: Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine closet?

A: She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Q: What did the blonde do when she learned that 90% of all accidents happen around the home?

A: She moved.

Q: Why do blondes like lightening?

A: It makes them think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes so much?

A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?

A: It swells at night.

Q: Why don't they hire blonde pharmacists?

A: She kept breaking the pill bottles trying to get them into the typewriter.

Q: What is the definition of GROSS IGNORANCE?

A: 144 Blondes.

Q: What are the worse five years in a blonde's life?

A: sixth grade.

Q: Why was the front of the blondes clothes always so filthy?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk."

Q: How did the blonde get 36 holes in her face?

A: Trying to learn to eat with a fork.

Q: Why did President Bush want to send an army of blondes with P.M.S. over to Iraq?

A: They're irritated enough to kill and they retain water.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: Because their ovens don't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why do blondes have a hard time dialing 911 in an emergency?

A: They can't find the number 11 on the phone.



KEEP GOING.....LOT'S MORE BLONDE JOKES!!!



Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call four blondes lying side by side on the ground?

A: An air mattress.

Q: What do they call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?

A: Divorcee' Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: "What? What?"

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in the backseat of her car?

A: In case she locks her keys in the car.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at the local University sports events?

A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a Rolls Royce.

A: Widow of that Old Rich guy.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M & M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?

A: Give her a bag of m & m's and have her alphabetize them.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air?

A: She missed.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road.

A: I don't know, and neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?

A: To show the chicken how it was done.

Q: What job title does a blonde have in an M & M factory?

A: "Proofreader."

Q: Why did they fire the blonde from the M & M factory?

A: She kept throwing away all the "W's"

Q: Why did the blonde steal the police car?

A: She saw 911 on it and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?

A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind the steering wheel?

A: An Air Bag.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: "It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on It's off..."

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: What goes: VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trap.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for blondes?

A: Perri-air.

Q: How can you tell when there's a blonde working in the office?

A: There's a bed in the stockroom and all the bosses are smiling!

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?

A: A visitor.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's IQ?

A: Stick a tire pressure guage in her ear.

Q: Why can't blondes put light bulbs in?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammer.

Hey.............








OF..............















































....... got any "blonde" jokes, mate? ;)

DM

I knew OF would never resort to posting a few blonde jokes for a cheap laugh :rolleyes:

Absolutely!!

This was not a few LOL

Really?

Hadn't noticed...

I almost missed it too.

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is
still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"

A couple of cute cartoons I had sent to me.

Fast Sex




Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you... The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"


Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What
happened...?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,



"The%*$!(@!( had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

3 Labs
 

Three male Labrador Retrievers -- one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting In the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab
And asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired."Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was
bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres

that were aired on TV & Radio



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava

from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"





2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves

it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him. "



3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really

a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."



4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah,

isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the

Cox of the Oxford crew."



5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold

Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife

takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"



6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'

said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."





7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed

and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob,

where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only

did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were

laughing so hard!



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters -

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."



9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's

nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."





10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."





11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer

for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only

come in his shorts."



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson

lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick

likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda
Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex
with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
> > >
> > >
> > > Dear Diary,
> > >
> > > For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
> > > personal training at the local health club for me.
> > >
> > > Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
> > > cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
> > > and give it a try.
> > >
> > > I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> > > Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
> > > model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
> > >
> > > My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> > > encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > >
> > > MONDAY:
> > >
> > > Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
> > > well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
> > > for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing
> > > eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
> > > showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
> > > conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
> > >
> > > Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
> > > aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> > > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
> > >
> > > TUESDAY:
> > >
> > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> > >
> > > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
> > > then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > > treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
> > > all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > > WEDNESDAY:
> > >
> > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> > > counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> > > hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> > > steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> > >
> > > Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> > > club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
> > > and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> > > My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> > > stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> > > activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> > >
> > > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
> > > some other shit too.
> > >
> > > THURSDAY :
> > >
> > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> > > thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
> > > a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> > >
> > > Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
> > > ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
> > >
> > >
> > > Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> > >
> > > FRIDAY :
> > >
> > > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
> > > other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
> > > anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
> > > without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> > >
> > > Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
> > > And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned
> > > barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
> > > flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
> > >
> > > Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> > > choir director?
> > >
> > > SATURDAY :
> > >
> > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> > > voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> > > want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > > strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> > > hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > > SUNDAY :
> > >
> > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> > > thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> > > daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
> > > a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
> > > over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Just one for the men.

Ladies, there is nothing of interest here, move along please.

The Vodka Scooter!
 

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a 'Vodka Scooter'.
The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine.
The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion -

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the 'slurring gland' begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter.

The Scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, stubbed toes, scratched hands and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for! This answers a third question after a night out, 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom with the wrong person, often with horrific consequences.

Vodka Scooters come equipped with Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake either everyone else in the house or your downstairs neighbours. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit for the ladies or for the men no jacket.

Vodka scooters.........the wonders of modern technology.......
Have you ever had a ride on one??!!

My daughter sent this link.

It's funny.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=25774

^^^ Excellent! ^^^

Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."


Happy Halloween

Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again , but something happened. I'm trying to break this to you gently, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on. 'The good news is that you've got $30,000 compensation coming to you and we now have the technology to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact. But, the thing is, it doesn't come cheap - it's a thousand dollars an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So, the thing is' says the doctor, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher, she might be disappointed. So, it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'Well, my dear fellow, have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're getting a new kitchen.'

I've seen this before, but it's still a goodie.

Clearly he was telling her "faster", & she misunderstood...


Could happen to anybody.

Wrong, wrong.

She was not only driving the car, but she was at the joystick control of her latest toyboy.

The Dress



The cute, busty young blonde tried on an extremely low cut dress and, as she studied herself in the mirror, asked the sales clerk if she thought it was too low cut.


"Do you have hair on your chest?" asked the clerk.


"No. Of course not," said the blonde. "What a stupid question."


"Then it's too low cut!"

Yep.

Cake Or Bed
>
> A Husband Is At Home Watching A
> Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
>
> Honey,
> Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
> It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
>
> He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
> Fix The Lights Now?
> Does It Look Like I Have
> Ge Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So.
>
> Fine,
>
> Then The Wife Asks,
> Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
> It Won't Close Right
> To Which He Replied,
> Fix The Fridge Door?
> Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
> Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So
>
> Fine, She Says
> Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
> To The Front Door?
> They Are About To Break.
>
> I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
> Want To Fix Steps.
> He Says, Does It Look Like I Have
> Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So.
> I've Had Enough Of You.
> I'm Going To The Bar!!!!
>
> So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
> Couple Of Hours....................................
>
> He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
> He Treated His Wife, And Decides
> To Go Home
>
> As He Walks Into The House He Notices
> That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
>
> As He Enters The House, He Sees The
> Hall Light Is Working.
>
> As He ! Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
> The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
>
> Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
> She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
> Outside And Cried.
>
> Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
> What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
>
> He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
> All I Had To Do Was Either
> Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
>
> He Said,
> So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?
>
> She Replied,
> Hellooooo...
> Do You See Betty Crocker Written
> On My Forehead?
>
>
> I Don't Think So!

:roflmao:

Boobs and Willies ... a question of perspective
 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?" the son asked.

"Yes. You see them and they make you cry." the father replied.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's & 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After he is 50+, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asked.

"Yes, dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Words of Wisdom?
 

1. A day without sunshine is like... night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Savor The Coffee
 

Not really a joke, but interesting to think about ...

SAVOR THE COFFEE

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, were talking at a
reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit the conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups- porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite, telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
Notice that all of the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up,leaving
behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and then you began eyeing each others cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money, and position in
society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life.
The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of Life a person lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee we have fortuitously been provided.

Nature makes the coffee, man chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Enjoy your coffee!

-- Author Unknown

Now you know more..............
 

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand ..

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

Ye ken ye're Scottish if.........
 

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty .

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters jist like him in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think its like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin mak hael sentences jist wi sweer wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eatin it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding an fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,irn-bru, fags
and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17.Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it
hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse
bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,

'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?'

'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."



(Sorry if that's a repost!)

DM

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I
think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year
old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say
something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the
6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out
of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can
just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes
back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing
to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this
very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment,
he embraced her and then gave
it his all; right there on the kitchen
table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not called in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
dialed the employee'shome phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.

"HELLO"

"Is your daddy home"? he asked

"YES" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk to him"

The child whispered "NO"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult the boss asked, "Is your
mommy there?"

"YES"

"May I talk to her?"

Again the small voice whispered "NO"

Hoping there was somebody there with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"

"YES" whispered the child "A POLICEMAN"

Wondering what a cop was doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak to the policeman?"

"NO, HE'S BUSY" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"TALKING TO MY DADDY AND MOMMY AND THE FIREMAN" came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the telephone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"

"A HELICOPTER" answered the whispering voice.

"What's going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, "THE SEARCH TEAM JUST LANDED A HELICOPTER"

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "ME"

:)

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,




"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."


Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband' thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!
the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.