Hunting in the south ...
 

Subject: hunting in the south

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve
it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. And, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We
settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer
replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed
to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Microsoft Diner


Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

Damn, that's a cute one PF! :thumb:

Purina Diet
 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!



WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

For our Canadian friends ... (you'll like this!)
 

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his test! Icles , turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said
The president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

While the family was sitting at the dinner table,
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'

:boobs:

^^^^ Lol

The Seamstress Story
 

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an u=truth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:


Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,

Signed: Women of the World

The Irish Blonde
 

And they say Blonds are Dumb!

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES, YES, I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men.

I think a repost, but a goodie nonetheless.

Estate Planning:

Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
I may look like just an ordinary man he said as he walked up to her,
'but in just a few months, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at estate planning than men

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
 

1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And
Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire
Hydrants And...........

5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not
Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My
House

11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in
My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I
Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!



(Hey, I'm allowed! I work with these people!!! Some of them are patients of mine, too! ;) )

A winter poem
 

' WINTER '
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre










Fuck Me!

It's Cold!

Mad Betty
 

Mad Betty is speeding around the mental hospital in her wheel chair when crazy Jim stoppes her, "Where's your licence?" he demands,
"Screw you" say's Betty in reply and speeds off!
After a few corners Nutty Nigel stop's her,
"Wheres your insurance certificate?" he demands,
"Piss off" replies Betty and speeds off again!
she gets a few corners futher when loopy Liam finaly stops her with his trousers round his ankles sporting a large erection,
"Oh shit" exclaims Mad Betty, "Not the breathaliser again"!

And as anyone who's ever dealt with one or more people with any of the above conditions can attest, finding a way to laugh about it is the only way to keep from crying... :thumbs:


(I enjoyed every single one, dm)

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,

"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women

Thanks, everyone............
 

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels Looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like A water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with A perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the Next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of My next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

Sprung!!

:roflmao: @ DM! That's terrific.

> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
> >> Director
> >>
> >> TO: All Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 01, 2007
> >>
> >> RE:
> >> Christmas Party
> >>
> >> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> >> place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
> >> at the Grill House.
> >>
> >> There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
> >> band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
> >>
> >> And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!
> >>
> >> A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among
> >> employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
> >> $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
> >> gathering is only for employees!
> >>
> >> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
> >>
> >> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> >>
> >>
> >> Patty
> >>
> >> ************************************************** *
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All
> >> Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 02, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> >> employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
> >> often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> >> However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
> >>
> >> The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians
> >> or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
> >>
> >>
> >> There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.
> >>
> >>
> >> We will have other types of music. Happy now?
> >>
> >> Happy Holidays
> >> to you and your family.
> >>
> >> Patty
> >>
> >>
> >> ************************************************** ***
> >>
> >> FROM:
> >> Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All Employees
> >>
> >> DA TE:
> >> October 03, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> >> requesting a nondrinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
> >> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
> >> that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
> >> supposed to handle this?
> >> Somebody?
> >>
> >> Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
> >> the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
> >> believe $ 10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
> >> ALLOWED.
> >>
> >> ************************************************** ***
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> To: All
> >> Employees
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
> >> the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
> >> during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> >> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
> >> our Muslim employees'
> >> beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
> >> until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
> >> take it home in
> >> little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
> >>
> >> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
> >> farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant w omen will get the
> >> table closest to the rest-rooms.
> >>
> >>
> >> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
> >> with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
> >> flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
> >> permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.
> >>
> >> We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
> >> available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
> >> food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
> >> first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> >> restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
> >> Sorry!
> >>
> >> Did I miss anything?!?!?
> >>
> >> ************************************************
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All F****** Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 05, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: The F****** Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> >> this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
> >> sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
> >> so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including
> >> organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They
> >> scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
> >> scream right NOW!
> >>
> >> I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
> >>
> >> Drive drunk and die,
> >>
> >> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
> >>
> >>
> >> *********************** **********************
> >>
> >> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> DATE: October 06, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> >>
> >> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> >> recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
> >> meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
> >> everyone the afternoon of the 23 RD off with full pay.
> >>
> >> Happy Holidays!
> >>
> >> Joan

How did you find out about our staff Xmas party?

BTW, the 23rd is a Sunday LOL

Top 10 Thoughts for 2007
 

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today:
'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'

Got this from my aunt....
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The
Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in. And then the trouble started...
Shut up. You know it's funny.

Redneck Christmas Poem
 

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in
her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a
preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber.
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!"
So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.
I'll chew only on long celery sticks.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark
Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are
in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is
elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity
to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much
greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven
by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns
black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it.
If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the
dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of
these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs
can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided
by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full,
it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable
Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction
from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch
an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem
as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through
clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore
it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just
below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.
If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice
it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you
would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark
sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats
at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you
were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet,
and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly
enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be
able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark
Sucker.

Well, that's gonna put another kink into Einstein's Theory...

Dang I never knew Einstein was kinky.

That's the theory, apparently with relatives.

THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ANY CRISIS

* Indecision is the key to flexibility.

* There is always one more son-of-a-b---- than you counted on.

* There is absolutely NO substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

* Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

* The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.

* The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

* Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

* This is probably as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.

* If you think that there’s good in everyone, you haven’t met everyone.

* All other things equal, fat people use more soap.

* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Within a few seconds a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and
discharged...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot.

The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your
penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
pee in your eyes"

^^^^^ OMG! :roflmao:

An oldie, but worth the re-post.


How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & beer.

Just saw this. very funny, sadly clean.

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissi...41199234382.wmv

^^ At last! :wine: ^^

Non-alcoholic lager is like licking your sisters pussy - the taste is the same, but it just isn't right.


A blonde wakes up to find her house is on fire so, in a most un-blonde fashion, immediately phones 999. She is put through to the Fire Brigade who ask,

"How do we get there, love?"

"Hellooooooo," she replies, "In a big red fucking TRUCK!"


"Won't you kiss me, doctor?" asked the beautiful woman

"No," he replied, "it would be against my code of ethics".

"Please," she begged, "just one little kiss".

"No, it's completely out of the question" he went on, "in fact, I shouldn't really be having sex with you".........................



A lad walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum a good 'seeing to'. Dad, far from being embarrassed, merely laughs, throws a pillow at the lad, and tells him to "get out".

Several hours later, the dad hears loud squeals and moans emanating from his sons bedroom. Wondering what the Hell is happening, he rushes into the room to find the lad giving his granny one!

Horrified, the dad can only stand and stare horrified at the lad as he snarls,

"Not so funny when it's your mum, is it?"

So wrong on about 37 different levels.