A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line.

Did you see me Rob this Bank? The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...
SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man ... DID .. YOU .. SEE .. ME .. ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... BUT Booger DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D







(insert appropriate name ;) )

Cardiologist's Funeral
 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. :)

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." :tongue:

The proctologist fainted! :faint:

BIBLE SALES


(If this doesn't make you laugh, just go ahead and close your casket!)


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious

Financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered

Several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.


So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the

Congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for

$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.


Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.


The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and

Were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious

Doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to

Himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor

Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the

Minister decided to let him try anyway.


He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked

With bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of

Their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.


Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately

Asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last

Week?"


Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales

Prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected

On behalf of the church."


"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You

Are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."


Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell of the Church

Last week?"


Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a

Professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and

here's $280 I collected."


The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are

Truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."


Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did

You manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the

Minister a large envelope.


The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"

The minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you

Suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in

Just one week?"


Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in

Unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10

Times as many bibles as we could."


"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd

Better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."


Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for

Sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.


Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell

Us what you said to them when they answered the door!"


"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said WA-WA-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would

Y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible

F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you

J-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to St-St-stand h-h-here and

R-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

:thumb:











:roflmao:

DOG DIARY
8:00 am- Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am- A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am- A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am- Got patted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm- Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm- Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm- Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm- Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm- Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm- Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm- Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.

My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
The Cat!

Joe gets home late one night and his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Joe replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her
head in distain.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
dollars tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want!'

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!) :nod:

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "....These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "....Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Truth in humour.

This is emotive.

How To Dance In The Rain .......

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.


I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and I decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.


On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.


While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.


I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.


I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said ........


"She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."


I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.


With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.


The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain."

This is only funny if you know Rugby.


A married couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th
wedding anniversary when the wife says
"Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it's time I made a confession................before we were married I was a hooker for 8 years. Hubby has a little think to himself and replies...
'My love, you have been such a wonderful wife for ten years it seems crazy that I would hold your past against you......in fact you could probably show me a couple of tricks to spice up our sex life a bit.....
wife says " I don't think you understand.....my name
was Arthur and I played with Parramatta...

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he! says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That'! s nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.


"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' "


"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'

When Grandma Goes To Court
 

:roflmao:

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is o ne of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.



A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.



The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:



Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Moms will truly appreciate this one....


Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Little Johnny
 

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

ABBOTT and COSTELLO
 

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello

And too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please note...If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their skit, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

-----

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac ?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows and wallpaper. I want a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

...(A few days later)...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click 'START'

LOL^^^^^^^^^^ Love those guys.


Subject: 6 Truths of Life







6 Truths of Life







You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.




























2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.































3. The first truth is a lie.






























4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.


























5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.


























6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.





Sorry about this. I was an Idiot too, and needed company....

First Golf Game
 

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now,"the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

As a young minister in
Arkansas, I was asked by a funeral director to

hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or
friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the

country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.
Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave,
but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch.


I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side
of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured
the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this
was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to
pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the
glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen,"
"Praise the
Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I
preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way
from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the
men, and
walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin'
like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for thirty years!"

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
£10 pound note appears.



'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
how moch was in dare den?'


The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman











(Wait for it...........scroll down.)






















'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand......'

The 60's


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! "

North South Divide

Two southerners - businessmen in London - were sitting
down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As
yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves
set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now
some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face
to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window,
had a peek, and in a broad accent asked
'What's tha sellin' ere?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, 'Tha's
doing well ... Only two left!'

Southerners should not mess with Northerners

Are you Scottish?
 

I have a suspicion this may have been posted before - but it's still funny, so fuggit!! :D

Are you Scottish?I am........... You know you are a true Scot if...........

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan,Milngavie,Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget
And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with
his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?' 'Naw,' replies
the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

DM

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on lad, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

:irish:

:irish:

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the f**kin' skippin"

Warning - Do Not Order Mexican Viagra !

Important Bulletin
Many men are buying "black market" Viagra pills
from Mexican mail-order drug stores.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that
several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with
ground up Mexican Jumping Beans.

The results can be horrible.
Here is what you get when you combine Viagra
with Mexican Jumping Beans.

One of the few justifications for homicide.

You may know the TV show "Catchphrase"

One example was this.

And the phrase was?

The correct answer, you pack of perverts, was, of course













V V V V V V V V




















V V V V V V









Holding down a Job.

Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,
3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.



Thought to myself - they've lost the fucking plot.

/me groans! :rolleyes2

Driving with Grandpa

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always
made a special effort with his family on the
weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7
year old granddaughter out for a drive in the
car for some bonding time, just he and his
granddaughter.

One week in particular he came home sick, and on
Sunday he was still battling a bad cold and
really didn't feel up to going out for a drive at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and
said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran
upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, GrandPa" the girl replied, "and do you know
what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or
lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!

Sounds vaguely familiar, I can't think where.

The Drunk
 

GOTTA LOVE A DRUNK!!


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir "

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it "

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out

of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy crap! My girlfriend's gone too!"

A man walks into the doctor's office....

Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress. Do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours,3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Watch pornos and eat Twisties"

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Great Government procurement procedures

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Government House in Perth. One from Greece, another from Russia and the third, Turkey. They go with a Government House official to examine the fence.

The Turkish contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Russian contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Greek contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Government House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Greek contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Russia to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.

And that my friends, is how it all works!!!

Life in the Monastery


A young Monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other Monks in copying the old Canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the Monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Abbot.

So, the young Monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing!!
'We missed the R
We missed the R
We missed the R

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young Monk asks the old Abbot, 'What's wrong, Father?'
With A choking voice, the old Abbot replies, 'The word was..




















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