A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag
carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the
girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip
me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window,
snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip the girl until they
both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor
takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his
head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years
of doctoring............

Wait for it...











Are you ready....













Don't cry . . . .












Here comes the punchline....











You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

A lot of help you are!
 

We are in trouble...


The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the
work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice.

Really nice. :ranting:

:spank: :spank: :spank:

I already worked today Old Man!!!!!

:rofl: then it must be me that's screwing off.

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven



1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up in to the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

A man sitting at a bar at Sydney International Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him,

"What the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar..!"

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers

are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously

have a sense of humor

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain

on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around

watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad

tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send

me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?

(UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which

does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday

night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,

which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every

Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come

naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year

round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense

rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely

handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I

forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop

out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath

them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine

before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour...

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

The Madam

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw
a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?", she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man
she charged $5000 a visit.. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an
hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come
back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money , gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, " Ontario ". "Really", she said. "I have family in Ontario ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am
her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

The Pond Out Back
 

An elderly man in
Louisiana had
owned a large farm
for several
years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it
up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and
peach
trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while,
and look it over.
He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond.


He made the women aware of his presence and they
all
went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until
you leave!"


The
old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked."
Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Some old men can still think
fast.

The Popsicle
 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie"...with their 8-year-old son in the apartment...was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. A few moments passed ..

"An ambulance just drove by".

A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving".

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "Umm...how do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

This is one for the Larry Niven SCI-FI fans.

It won't mean much to the others.

"How many Puppeteers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. They hire Beowulf Shaeffer to do it. Lightbulbs can be dangerous"

"How many Trinoc does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Why do you want to know about our maintenance schedules? Are you planning to attack us in the dark?"

"How many Kdatlyno does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. It sounds perfectly OK to them."

"How many tnuctip does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Depends what you want them to change it into."

"How many Kzin does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. You can scream and leap in the dark."

"How many Carlos Wus does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"With an unlimited breeding licence, who needs lightbulbs?"

"How many Slavers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Dunno. How susceptible are lightbulbs to telepathy?"

"How many Grogs does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"One. Something with manipulatory appendages will be along eventually."

"How many bandersnatchii does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Two. One to sit on your armoured hunting car, and one to explain what you'll have to do before it gets off again."

"How many Pak Protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Only one, but the lightbulb has to smell right."

"How many Ringworld Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Thirty. Hey, moving suns around isn't easy..."

"How many Outsiders does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Personal questions cost one trillion stars."

"How many Teela Browns does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Stupid question."


Some more Lightbulb Jokes by Matthew Joseph Harrington
Q) How many thrintun does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) CHANGE THE BULB. --None.

Q) How many tnuctipun does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Technically, none. You just have to remember to feed the old one.

Q) How many kdatlyno does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Why change this one? It sounds fine to me.

Q) How many Pak protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Hard to say. This one's too busy killing things with the old one.

Q) How many human protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) I'm not changing it. I'm rigging it so when a Pak protector tries to change it it should kill thirty or forty of them.

The Redneck Loan
 

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah yes, the dumb like a fox redneck. Gotta love it.

Too true!

A Niven fan?

a BIG one!

... and the Science Fiction of Roger Zelazny. :thumb:

Not such a fan of Roger Z, but I've been a Niven fan since forever.

When I say I'm Broke -- I'M BROKE !!!
 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

You said what?
 

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' (I just love this)

'Ralph, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!!!!'

Hey?

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos
and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

This is really very funny but you MUST read it out loud!

Tenjewberrymuds


To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.
You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the
conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees.

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS "Ow July den?"

G: "What??

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?

G: "Crisp will be fine.

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?

G: "What?

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?

G: "I don't think so.

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan
sahn toes' means.
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: "We bodder?

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side.

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side.

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we
bodder on sigh and copy....rye??

G: "Whatever you say.

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds.

G : "You're very welcome."

Finally, I've read something that made my head hurt worse than Dr Suess' "Fox in Sox"

BBL after a glass of aspirin & a handful of water...

Two nuns are walking through a graveyard late one evening on their way back to the convent when they are set upon by two young males who leap from the bushes. They pin the nuns down and begin to have their wicked way with them.

At this point one of the nuns cries out "Oh father, please forgive this child as he knows not what he is doing", to which the other nun replies "Well mine certainly does".

A stroll down memory lane with George!

The mother fucking revisionists can't help themselves. :yikes: :hair:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFmR...feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTyzTJTNhNk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLN6...feature=related

Why men don't write advice columns


Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have
been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.



Walter

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat - Use The Sink.

4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

7. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

This is not quite a joke, but,


Would you like to live here? These are names of actual locations:

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuk (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

^^^I live not far from Shag's Harbour.

Phuket, Thailand

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and

asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.



In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.



This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30

years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new

clothes and other incidentals that she needed.



Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her

husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he

explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate

downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of

59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what

he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty

years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then

she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were

worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the

largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"

him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results

of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her

husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found

his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I

would have given you all my business!"



That's when she shot him.



You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths

shut.

Sometimes women don't know when to shoot blanks, unlike most men.

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'.


In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made
love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After
supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.


The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't
getting enough work done.


Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.


"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with
you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That
will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any
field time."


They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day
when Homer came back to the doctor's office.


"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"


"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood,
I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find
a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."


"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.


"Ah mighta trained her too good...................

I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

See above.

Just A Tap On The Shoulder
 

^^^ :rofl:




A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. :eek:

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.' :yikes:

Yes, scared him stiff.

Carnation Milk
 

Carnation milk - 65 YEARS AGO ... This is priceless!

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

Check it out ....

Yup.

Wanna Talk Nuclear Energy?
 

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

The C.O.'s Morning Briefing
 

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company
Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them anyway."

The room fell silent.

An officer and an enlisted man were at the base barber shop.

On completion of his haircut, the officer was asked if he wanted a splash of cologne.

"MY god NO, d'you want my wife to think I've been to a brothel?"

The enlisted man, finished at the same time, answered, "Splash it on, my wife doesn't know what a brothel smells like."