It's getting ugly, folks ...
 

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST:

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab driverswill be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, andthen Motel 6 managers.
It's getting ugly folks.

'Next Life'
by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and
then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby, (and if you're a male or lesbian you suck on a tit everytime you cry) until you are born.
And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like
conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters
every day and then: Voila!
You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.

Everybody has their price




An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.


"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."

" However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...


"You root her again."

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

When I got home last night , My wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.................
So I took her to a petrol station !!!!!!!

Condoms
 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh, I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then, who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers. 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then, who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

Friends
 

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

^ ouch...

just ouch.

2 Ways to look at everything.........



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'Gosh!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the
husband picks up a case of Michelob
and puts it in their shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so
they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the
wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Michelob and it's half
the price'.

The Parrot Died
 

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred stallion, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred stallion IS DEAD????"

"Si, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord, Ernesto!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Si, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her head with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 540 golf club."



SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE..........



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep +@#%.!"

42 Years of Marriage
 

I was looking at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap Apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa> bed, and watched a little 10-inch Black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old chick!

Now I have a $500,000 Home, A $45,000 Car, nice big bed, and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old Woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year old chick, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't Older Women great? They really know how to solve your Mid-Life Crisis !

Subject: Underwear Dust
Underwear dust
>
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
> 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
> would take a few inches off of your butt!'
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
> comment go unrewarded.
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
> 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out.
> 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder
> in my underwear?'
>
> She replied ..'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

Cardiologist's Funeral
 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted! :faint:

Vino is Good for you
 

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. :wine:

The art of living dangerously.


Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

A man came home from work and found his three children
outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with
empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front
yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to
the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into
the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,
and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of
clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was
spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog
food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
table, and a small pile of sand was spread by
the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she
might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way
out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet
towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles
of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared
over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up
in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at
him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here
today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you
come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all
day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.
The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

Warning: ^^^ this technique will only work once :yikes:


:roflmao:

Did you send this to IowaMan. Might warn him not to use bleach.

Girls Night out *joke
 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to relieve themselves. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it. Looking around, she was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'"

Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago, She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money! '

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'






"As promised, Here it comes!!!"

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceaseds wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank check and says, I dont care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, Whatever this cost, Im very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I m very grateful. How much did you
spend?






To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check.
Theres no charge, she says.
No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit! she says.
Honestly, maam, the blonde says, it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in shortly after
you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and
she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.





So I just switched the heads.

FBI Job
 

Job at FBI - The right woman for the job

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Don't mess with women.

And they think you're kidding.

THIS IS NOT THE 'DON'T BUY' PETROL FOR ONE DAY,
BUT IT WILL SHOW YOU HOW WE CAN GET PETROL BACK DOWN TO
$1.00 PER Litre....

This was originally sent by Phillip Hollsworth, a retired
Coca Cola executive.

If you are tired of the gas prices going up AND they will
continue to rise this winter, take time to read this,
PLEASE.

Phillip offered this good idea.

This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the 'don't buy
petrol on a certain day' campaign that was going around
last April or May!

It is worth your consideration. Join the resistance!!!!

We are going to hit $ 2.00 a litre and it might go higher!!
Want petrol prices to come down?

We need to take some intelligent, united action. The oil
companies just laughed at last year's action because
they knew we would not continue to 'hurt' ourselves
by refusing to buy petrol. It was more of an inconvenience
to us than it was a problem for them. BUT whoever thought
of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work.


Please read on and join with us!

By now, you're probably thinking petrol priced at about
$1.50 is cheap.

It is currently $1.90 for regular unleaded.

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have
conditioned us to think that the cost of a liter of gas is
CHEAP at $1.50, we need to take aggressive action to teach
them that BUYERS control the marketplace...not sellers.

With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we
consumers need to take action.

The only way we are going to see the price of petrol come
down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not
purchasing their petrol! And, we can do that WITHOUT
hurting ourselves.

How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop
buying petrol.

But we CAN have an impact on petrol prices if we all act
together to force a price war.

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T
purchase ANY petrol from BP
the biggest price-up driver company.

If they are not selling any petrol, they will be inclined
to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the
other companies will have to follow suit.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions
of BP petrol buyers. It's SO simple!

Now, don't wimp out on me at this point...keep reading
and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions and
even BILLIONS of people!!

I am sending this note to 20 people.

If each of you sends it on to at least twenty more
that's (20 x 20 = 400) ..

And those 400 send it to at least twenty more (400 x 20 =
8000 ... and so on,

by the time the message reaches the fifth group of people,
we will have reached over SIXTY FOUR MILLION consumers!!!!!
20x20 = 400

400x20 = 8,000

8,000x20 = 160,000

160,000x20 = 3,200,000

3,200,000x20 = 64,000,000

64,000,000x20 = 12,800,000,000

That's 12.80 Billion people folks, who will have been
contacted!!!!!

Unbelievable?? Do the math and see for yourself!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 20 people.
That's all!
I'll bet you didn't think we had that much
potential, did you!

Acting together we can make a difference..

If this message makes sense to you, then please pass it on.

THEY will LOWER THEIR PRICES TO BELOW THE $1.50 RANGE AND
KEEP THEM DOWN.

THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

It's simple - send the message along to others and
choose to not buy petrol from BP.

TWENTY FIVE POINT SIX BILLION people:

Now THAT's people power.

LET'S

JUST DO IT ! ! !



PF, this one's for you.

The point of that one was that there aren't 25.6 billion people in the world (yet).

lol PF dropped the ball again.

Sorry I missed this earlier. :o

The sad point is that it is not just the erroneous number that won't let it work. The societies and infrastructures of today's world ALL are based on energy, not just (what WAS) the developed countries. It is now not a luxury, but a necessity to function on a minimum daily basis for everyone. That is the ONLY reason the noose is tightening between the global oligarchy and the masses. It is PURELY a matter of monetary manipulation. There is not now, nor has there been, any shortage of the necessary commodities.

The problem with the proposed 'force price war' is that there is only 'one big tank', regardless which spigot is being used. The 'need' will not change and the supply will continue to flow whether it's to a valve with one distributors' logo on it or another's.

:shrug:

PS

I thought maybe I should post this under another thread with a reference link, but anything about petro prices belongs under 'jokes'. :tear:

Southern Skinny Dippin'...
 

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Sunday Morning Sex I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather a d just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-
year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm .
Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She
paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

I wondered if you'd mention the dong.

No doubt it was the "Good Humor" man. :D

Nah,, Mr Whippy.

Right OrliFanatic?

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.



I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.



There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.



She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.



I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'



So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.



She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused.



So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.



It was empty.



'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.



Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.



She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.



'Do these excite you?' she asked.



Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.



She then said it was time to slip the condom on.



As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.



'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'



So, I climbed on her.



It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.



She looked at me with a bit of a frown.



'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.



I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.



She fainted.

Curious minds wanted to know ...
 

Good sign!
 

Life
 

Sorry DB,

They didn't come through on my puter.