Likewise. :(

THE HORTH WHITHPERER
If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
Male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives
the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, Can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, Can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,
But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, Can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny,
pulls him out and plops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should
wephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long No
matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense
of
betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You
aren't
the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't
be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another
voice
in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering......












Dave.......

























Dave........































Dave........

























.........you're a vet Dave

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.
Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him,' Why are you shaking so badly?'
The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Michigan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.'
The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.'

'Go to the Grand Rapids airport bar and have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy.'

'It's the best way to travel that I can think of.'

The flea thanks the other flea and says he will give it a try next summer.
A year goes by. When the flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The other flea asks,' Didn't you try what I told you?'

'Yes', says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said. I went to the Grand Rapids airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in.

I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.

But when I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well done soda.


After getting involved in an auto accident, I was being question about the fight that followed.

" Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car that I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just get SO stressed...and life...sometimes life seems...suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, Officer, but I looked down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

.... and that's when the fight started "

Lamo^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Am Not Happy!!!!!!!!

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
1.Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
2.Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
3.Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
4.After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
5.Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
6.If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
7.If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
8.Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
9.If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
10.When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

Shouldn't this be in "advice" forum, cos it has some good ideas?

A terrorist runs into a pet shop .... he puts a bomb on the counter and shouts
"everyone has one minute to get out ........."

A tortoise at the back shouts .... " you c*nt ....!! "

Today's attitude.

A rabbi and a priest were enjoying the local 4th of July picnic.

"My friend, the baked ham is delicious!" teased the priest. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but why should such wonderful food be forbidden? You haven't lived until you've tried Virginia baked ham. So, Rabbi? When will you break down and try some?"

The rabbi grinned back at the priest, and said, "At your wedding!"

Good one.

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas...

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or sister know how to use them, you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas.

Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?
Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Sweetwater, Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit, Texas 75436Colorado City, Texas 79512
Cleveland, Texas 77327
Dayton, Texas 77535
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613Egypt, Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460 No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas 79031

And a city named after our State!
Texas City, Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?
Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna, Texas
Goliad, Texas
Alamo, Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Robert Lee, Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Men are from Mars, women are from
Venus, Texas 76084

You guessed it….it's on the state line.
Texline, Texas 79087

For the kids...
Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile.....
Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Old Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City. . .
Kilgore, Texas 75662

And our favorites...
Cut 'n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City, Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course, Muleshoe, Texas

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas.
1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10 The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
12. The King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin, Texas in July of 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin.
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The name "Texas" comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females).
22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

There are some who have suggested that the whole state of Texas started out as a Tennessee colony...just count how many Tennesseans were at the Alamo, not to mention Sam Houston himself.

Something to offend almost everyone.
=============================

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to
get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you prick !'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings
so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in
a bad mood, it leaves a big big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check
her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a
day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's
hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The
reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "no way, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10
minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

^^^^ :roflmao:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
PS…. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

^^^^^ That would go good with a battery operated bug zapper! :boink:

A man's life, summed up in a single photograph...

Yup.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember
To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From
Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll
Be Afraid To Cough




6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't
Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The
Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They
Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,



NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send money, BEER, chocolate, or gasoline vouchers instead?
Thank you!

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. .'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warsh in' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that ?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

Married Life
> >>> >
> >>> > Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress,
> >>> > chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their
> >>> > men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M
> >>> > style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
> >>> >
> >>> > After a few days they meet again.....
> >>> >
> >>> > The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend
> >>> > came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos
> >>> > and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you,
> >>> > then we made love all night long.'
> >>> >
> >>> > The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met
> >>> > in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega
> >>> > stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
> >>> > the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild
> >>> > sex all night.'
> >>> >
> >>> > The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the
> >>> > kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready,
> >>> > leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My
> >>> > husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer,
> >>> > and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
Leaving you forever.





I've been a good man to you for
Seven years and I have nothing to show for it.







These last two weeks have been hell.





Your boss
Called to tell me that you quit your job today and
That was the last straw.







Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
And even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.





You
Ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
Watching all of your soaps.





You don't tell me you
Love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
Connects us as husband and wife.







Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
Anymore; whatever the case, I'm g one.







Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.





Your SISTER and I are
Moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great
Life!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
Letter.





It's true that you and I have been married
For seven years, although a good man is a far cry
From what you've been.







I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
Constant whining and griping.





Too bad that doesn't
Work.







I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but
The first thing that came to mind was 'You look just
Like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say
Anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
Comment.







And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
Gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
Eating pork seven years ago.







About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you
Because the $49.





99 price tag was Still on them, and
I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
Had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
Morning.







After all of this, I still loved you and felt that
We could work it out.





So when I hit the lotto for
Ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
Tickets to Jamaica.





But when I got home you were
Gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.







I hope you have the fulfilling life you always
Wanted.





My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
Ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.







Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S.





I don't know if I ever told you this but my
Sister Carla was born Carl.





I hope that's not a problem.
__________________________________________________

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

A TEXAS BLESSING>>
Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have
> lived in the hot, humid Southwest, you may not understand
> the weight of this blessing!>>

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.>>
Please keep it cool in mid-July.>>
Bless the walls where termites dine,>>
While ants and roaches march in time.>>
Bless our yard where spiders pass>>
Fire ant castles in the grass.>>
Bless the garage, a home to please>>
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.>>
Bless the love bugs, two by two,>>
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.>>
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,>>
in TEXAS, Lord, you've put them all!>>
But this is home, and here we'll stay,>>
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.>>>

HOLD IT............there's more.............>>>>

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN.>>

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.>>

The trees are whistling for the dogs.>>

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.>>

Hot water now comes out of both taps.>>

You can make sun tea instantly.>>

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!>>

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.>>

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.>>

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.>>

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.>>

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.>>

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to> death?'>>

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.>>

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.>>

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.>>

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home.>>
God Bless Our State of TEXAS

I see you've read the Darwin Australia Tourist site.

A Texas woodpecker and a New Mexico woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said Texas had a tree no woodpecker could peck.

The New Mexico woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The Texas woodpecker was amazed!

The New Mexico woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in New Mexico that was absolutely im-peck-able(a term woodpeckers like to use). The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence,said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to New Mexico where the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peck-able tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the New Mexico woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the New Mexico tree,yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state??Huh?

After much woodpecker pondering,they both came to the same conclusion;........

















Apparently your pecker gets harder when you"re away from home!

Getting a little Woody there, jay-t?

a GREAT guinness ad
 

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through

she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart

what do you think I should do?'





He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

THE OLDER WOMAN






I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.





She looked OK for a 61 year-old.





In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she


probably had a hot daughter.





We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever


had a Sportsman's Double.





'What's that?' I asked





'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.





I said, 'No' - excitedly.





We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.





I went back to her place.





She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

A Sunday school teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to
Heaven

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now she was starting to smile.

'Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again they all answered 'No!'

She was just bursting with pride for them.

Well she continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?

A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, 'YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN' DEAD YA
MUPPET.'

----- IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one
of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B &
D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,
'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than
1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used this repairman since.


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I
gave the teen a $20 note.. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her
fifty cents. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I
know, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back.' She sighed
and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,
and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we
can't do that kind of thing.' The teen then proceeded to give me back
$9.50 in change.
Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our
road. The reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I
don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the
company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is
fun We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced
to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that
side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and they
REPRODUCE

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to
talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done .....Your turn)

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

Understanding women ...
 

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using yo ur cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sur e that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting you r hair to ma ke it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

The Broken Lawn Mower
 

The Broken Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else
to take care of first - the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing -always something more important to me than the lawn mower.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went in to the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will be able walk again, - - but I will always have a limp.