I totally fail to see anything wrong.

:confused:

Love 'em all. Great. Especially liked the "circumstantial evidence" joke, Navarre and the Jo Beth Stewart one MilkToast. :D :D

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, A million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there anything that you always wanted but never got?"
"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.

"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."

"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.

"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.

Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."

Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed."

The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand....................


........and began pounding the top of it with palm of her right hand! :eek: Owwwww!!!

Polish Sausage

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says "Well, no..."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

A plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly
the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hi-
jacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane
to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!"

The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says,
"Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into
the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the
copilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the copilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside
and says, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he
could keel over at the shock of my being killed like that.
So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into
the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the
gun at the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and
says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys
have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba.
So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the
sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the
gun at the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers
something into the hijacker's ear.

The hijacker turns beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of
the cockpit in a panic.

Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they
found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him
up, the pilot asks the stewardess what she said that terrified
the man so.

"I told him, sir, that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd
have to give you guys your blowjobs...."

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...just great...some asshole's got my pen."

Fishing Story for the Ladies
 

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Ontario. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.

The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

" Good morning, Ma ' am. What are you doing? "

" Reading a book, " she replies, (thinking " isn 't it obvious? " )

" You ' re in a restricted fishing area, " he informs her.

" I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I ' m reading."

" Yes, but you have all the equipment. I 'll have to take you in and write you up. "

" If you do that, I ' ll have to charge you with sexual assault, " says the woman.

" But I haven ' t even touched you, " says the officer. "

" That ' s true, but you have all the equipment. "

The Officer says, " Have a nice day " ..

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It' s likely she can also think.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, “I'm about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"

If women ruled the world……
 

:)

If women ruled the world……
 

:D

If women ruled the world……
 

:cool:

If women ruled the world……
 

:rolleyes:

If women ruled the world……
 

;)

Navarre,

Brave man. You know, of course, that you will be hunted down and hurt for posting those, don't you?

LMAO Navarre. Those are terrific!

BTW, where should we send the flowers?

Moi?
Innocent Moi?

In a trial, in a small town, a prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help
her God.

She says "I do."

She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type,
well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking
problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in
his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered
throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of
you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail
for contempt. Is that clear?"

Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time...” A southern fairytale begins, “ "Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh*t.”

Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage ... along with a recipe.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

I'm NOT laughing at those....... I'm NOT!! :D :D :D :D


*snigger*


DM

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blond and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.

Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

Q. What's the difference between pussy and parsley?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No,you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!

The Gorilla and the Redneck
 

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated






... are you ready for this? ....







"You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

Saw this and it reminded me of a cartoon i have ...

JUST FRED

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing!! :D :D

Hormone Hostage...

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his
hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant
other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Thanks Steph.
I've already put it in my wallet.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large biker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The biker smiled and said: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends."

LMFAO @ Hormone Hostage

Good one! Might print that up an pass it around to my guy friends *Laffs*.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher explained that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Cops, huh?
 

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said,

"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Perfect Husband?
 

(I have a horrible feeling this has been posted before.... but I liked it anyway!!)


Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

LOL DM. I don't know if it's been posted before, but it was a good one. Brightens the morning. Thanks.

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.....and they begin to discuss their sons...

First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm but HE got a break too! They made HIM a broker and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich he gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The first three explain they're telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side...he's doing quite well...a few of his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

Wait for it...
























It's coming...
















The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
















She says :

























"You just happened to catch my eye."
_________________

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman. Farting is man business, he thinks to himself.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he
strains really hard.... gives it
everything he's got... and accidentally sh-ts the bed. "What the hell was that?", asked the wife.
"Half time, switch sides.", said the old man.