"So I tried a little splashy-splashy. And she splashy-splashied back. Oh, fuckin' hell, splashy-splashy back. So I turned to swim away in a sort of chase me-chase me, then maybe underwater, a little sexy-sexy... and I swam like a boy being chased by a sharky-sharky!"

If you've never seen an elephant ski..then you've never been on acid!

"There are two looks on a snowboard: one is cool, the other is DEAD!"

The NRA says "Guns don't kill people, people kill people."
I think the gun helps. Just standing there pointing you finger and saying BANG doesn't quite cut it.

"You'd hafta be really dodgy on the heart for that to work."

I wanna work in a sewer, discover sewage that NO ones ever discovered before and pile it on my head. Climb to the surface and sell my self to an art gallery.

And Hitler wound up in a ditch, covered in Petrol on fire. That's fun...I mean funNY, cause he was a mass murdering fuckhead.

"I like my women like I like my coffee: hot... and with a spoon in them."

"I can't get the fuckin' trees-- damn, I will kill everyone!"

There are different levels of murder why can't there be different levels of perjury. Perjury 1 is like saying there was no holocaust when 10 million people died, and perjury 9 is like when you said you shagged someone you didn't.

Before Stonehenge there was woodhenge and strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew it down and 3 little pigs were relocated to the projects.

"The druids were early transvestites; long white robes, just never quite got their shaving together."

What have you been reading? "The Gospel According to St. Bastard?"

"Disneyland wanted to build a Magic Kingdom in London. 'Uh, better make it a bit bigger. They've actually got them here... and they're not made of plastic.'."

"I will start a new religion... the Psychotic Bastard religion."

"Why not call it Church of England?"

"Church of England... yes, I like it. Even though I am Scottish myself."