Times When Saying Fuck is Appropriate




"Any fucking idiot could understand that!" - Einstein


"It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso


"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras


"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo


"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc


"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - J.F.K.


"Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Signs He Wants to Get Laid



Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.

When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries.

You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

He whispers,"you're beautiful," to your thighs, then glances up at your face and says, "oh you, too."

When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."

Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.

When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."

When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.
"You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Mrs. Jenkins came to visit her son Anthony, who lived with a female roommate Vikki, and had dinner with them.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama, which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama.

__________________
Eudaimonia

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:

"Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:


"I don't fink my pyfhon weally kaers.

__________________
Susan

Best Think These Things Through

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says,





"So, how did you like it? It's called Blow Job's Revenge!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their lovemaking.

The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit.

The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase.

"Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said,
"Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."

Still no success. Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try."

At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed,
"Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker,
"You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies,
"Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds,
"No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

The Irish Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my ownself." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

LMFAO~ Ty Bardog

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Alaskan Christmas Party



Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the
stress and general rat race.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month, otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come... About 5:00...

"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said,"Gotta warn ya...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too! ."

Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some
wild sex, too."

Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the dea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I wear?"

Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna
be the two of us.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.

She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed
"What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied,

"Always check for squirrels."

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind