Pixies Place Forums - =====>Jokes<=====

Lilith

05-21-2011, 08:01 PM

Not sure if this one is here already but Mr. Lil sent it to me-

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

Lord Snow

05-21-2011, 08:21 PM

Ba rum bum bump.

Oldfart

05-23-2011, 04:45 AM

"Hey bartender, how about fix'n me a 'Bin Laden'!

"Never heard of it. WTF is that?"

"Two shots and a splash of water!"

Oldfart

05-31-2011, 01:37 AM

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right gumboot, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jee Paddy, ye frightened the livin' out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor..........

dicksbro

06-05-2011, 02:57 AM

Groan ... :rolleyes2

Actually, it was cute ... just felt like groaning a bit. :D

Oldfart

06-09-2011, 03:27 AM

Police Raid in Tennant Creek

Police in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory just announced the
discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds
of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of
heroin, $5 million in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked
Indonesian and Thailand prostitutes all in a Housing Commission house behind
the Public Library in Tennant Creek.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said:
"We're shocked. We never knew we had a fucking Library!!!"

jseal

06-09-2011, 08:33 PM

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse?

What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

scotzoidman

06-18-2011, 11:51 PM

What's the difference between a Rock guitarist & a Jazz guitarist?

A Rock guitarist gets to play 3 chords for 1000's of people...

Oldfart

06-23-2011, 01:15 AM

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

dicksbro

06-23-2011, 01:32 AM

:faint:

:D

dicksbro

06-23-2011, 02:45 AM

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

dicksbro

06-23-2011, 02:48 AM

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

PantyFanatic

06-25-2011, 12:30 AM

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could only take the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters strongly objected saying: "Last year we shot two and the pilot let us take them both...and he had the exact same airplane as yours!"

Reluctantly, the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan: "Any idea where we are?"

Stan replied: "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

:nod:

dicksbro

06-26-2011, 03:55 AM

Duh. :D

jseal

07-09-2011, 07:56 AM

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

Lord Snow

07-09-2011, 08:45 AM

I must say, the child has a point.

dicksbro

07-10-2011, 04:49 AM

I don't have her picture, but here's what she said,

"Let me get this straight . . . .

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't,

Which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,

written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,

passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it,

and signed by a President who smokes,

with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect,

by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,

all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

'What the hell could possibly go wrong?' "

dicksbro

07-10-2011, 04:50 AM

^^^^ Come to think of it, maybe that's not a joke. :yikes:

dicksbro

07-30-2011, 06:11 PM

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sitting on the front porch drinking beer
when a truck hauling rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

dicksbro

08-04-2011, 04:39 AM

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

dicksbro

08-04-2011, 05:28 AM

Got this from my brother-in-law in Texas (near Dallas/Ft. Worth and thought you might enjoy ...

-----

Ode to Texas

The devil wanted a place on earth,
Sort of a summer home,
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas,
A place both wretched and rough,
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall,
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear,
The climate suited them well.
Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.
Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would.
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow,
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."

dicksbro

08-04-2011, 05:33 AM

Thanks, Scarecrow for this one ...

=====

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."

Oldfart

08-04-2011, 08:25 AM

Thanks Scarecrow.

Oldfart

08-06-2011, 12:37 AM

I would like to share with you all an experience that I recently had regarding drinking and driving.
As you would know, most of us have had brushes with the law on our way home before.
Well I for one have done something about it.
The other night I was out for dinner and a few drinks with some friends.
Having had a few too many wines and knowing full well I was struggling, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.

dicksbro

08-06-2011, 02:48 AM

Did the other passengers object? :shrug:

:roflmao:

Oldfart

08-06-2011, 02:58 AM

Yes, but I got MY ride home. It was up to one of them to take it the next step.

PantyFanatic

08-10-2011, 10:58 AM

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Oldfart

08-16-2011, 11:46 PM

Joke I saw today, not for the politically sensitive.

• Today, in an opinion poll, I was asked ‘If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?’ I said ‘Irish or Asians’. Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres!!

dicksbro

08-17-2011, 03:52 AM

:roflmao:

Lord Snow

08-18-2011, 07:30 PM

I received this in an email and thought it was funny. Might rub some the wrong way, if it does I do apologize.

A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.
>
> TWO BLONDE GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.
>
> THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLONDE GENIES DISAPPEAR.
>
> THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE MANSION , SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
>
> AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS HOUSE.
>
> SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.
>
> THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
>
> HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.
>
>
> AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE TWO BLONDE GENIES.
>
>
> ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.
>
> I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.
>
> BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.'

dicksbro

08-21-2011, 05:02 PM

4 old retired guys are walking down a street near NC State in Raleigh, North Carolina. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Good afternoon - glad you came in; What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Charlotte," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

Oldfart

08-21-2011, 09:21 PM

Very good DB.

After being married for years......a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H....
I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........

dicksbro

08-22-2011, 04:14 AM

:roflmao: Love it.

dicksbro

08-22-2011, 01:30 PM

President Obama went to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offered question time.

One little boy put up his hand and the President asked him his name.

" Walter," responded the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter ?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"

Just then, the bell rang for recess. Obama informed the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resumed, Obama said, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Walter ?

:shrug:

Lord Snow

08-22-2011, 05:45 PM

Walter is what we like to call "black bagged". He no longer exists for the same reasons that Steve no longer exists. He called the President of the United States on various things that ought not be discussed.

Oldfart

08-22-2011, 06:38 PM

You are such a cynic Lord Snow. Lord Snow? Lord Snow? Has anyone seen lord Snow?

Booger

08-25-2011, 07:41 AM

Leaving Work Early

Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed that the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that, when the boss left, they would leave early, too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how could she possibly know they left early. The brunette was delighted to get home early. She did a little gardening, spent some play time with her son and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The third woman was happy to get early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked their co-worker if she was going to go with them. "No way!" she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Lord Snow

08-25-2011, 08:57 PM

Must have been a blond.

Oldfart

08-27-2011, 09:38 PM

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed..

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Oldfart

08-27-2011, 11:07 PM

It is a repeat, but then again I've never been known to repeat myself.

dicksbro

08-28-2011, 02:02 AM

You haven't?

dicksbro

08-28-2011, 02:02 AM

You haven't??

Oldfart

08-29-2011, 07:03 PM

There are two sides to every story.

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4
minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.
And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderfull.....

MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these frigging candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....

Oldfart

09-02-2011, 07:26 PM

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

dicksbro

09-03-2011, 02:28 AM

SMART ASS ANSWER #1

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

Oldfart

09-05-2011, 07:56 PM

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.
"A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie,
"That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy,
"A'd imagine she'll be in white"

Oldfart

09-06-2011, 11:13 PM

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to
religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I’ve converted
to Islam and we're stoning the bitch in the morning !

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . . ..so I
did . . . . she's 21 and her name's Angela.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking — And then I saw her face . . . .

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of strike anywhere matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Oldfart

09-08-2011, 02:02 AM

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.....

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and gave her one right there ".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God...

The man replied "They're not too happy about it in WalMart either!"

dicksbro

09-08-2011, 02:47 AM

:roflmao:

jseal

09-08-2011, 05:43 PM

... Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy,
"A'd imagine she'll be in white"
:thumb:

Lord Snow

09-12-2011, 07:24 PM

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.

Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.

Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Oldfart

09-12-2011, 08:38 PM

There's a sucker born every minute.

Lord Snow

09-12-2011, 09:04 PM

Are they all named Monica?

Oldfart

09-12-2011, 09:42 PM

They can be, if you really want.

Oldfart

09-30-2011, 08:07 PM

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a quite pretty teenage girl about to jump off a bridge - so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

He wants to distract her so he says the first thing that pops into his head. "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? At least you go out with a nice memory, eh?" She thinks for a moment as then she gives him a long, deep lingering blow.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best suck I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

Oldfart

10-02-2011, 06:17 PM

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family were invited over to see the baby, but before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the new baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see well?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be buggered if he needed glasses".

Booger

10-04-2011, 12:42 AM

Even More Puns

1. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head'

2. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

3. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

4. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

7. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

8. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

9. A backward poet writes inverse.

10. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

12. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Lord Snow

10-04-2011, 05:45 PM

I love the cannibalism one. Put a smile on my face.

Oldfart

10-04-2011, 08:46 PM

Yes, but they won't eat clowns.

dicksbro

10-05-2011, 02:35 AM

Those were all cute, Boog! Thanks, I needed a good chuckle.

dicksbro

10-05-2011, 11:45 AM

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ……. a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington …

count!

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ……. a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington …

dicksbro

10-05-2011, 04:42 PM

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??

I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!

dicksbro

10-06-2011, 03:06 AM

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. :thumbs:

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. :thumbs:

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7.. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. :thumbs:

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. :)

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. :thumbs:

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

dicksbro

10-10-2011, 11:28 AM

Got these from IRISH and thought they were cute.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,

'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

:D

Oldfart

10-10-2011, 07:23 PM

Good ones, DB and Irish.

dicksbro

10-12-2011, 04:25 AM

More good humor from Irish.

=====

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted
to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....she's
21 and her name's Lucy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were
shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is
21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

-----------------------------------------------------------

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a
hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before
you're banned from teaching altogether."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!

Oldfart

10-20-2011, 09:41 PM

From the same email, from my BIL,

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. *
Or in other words............B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

dicksbro

10-21-2011, 02:45 AM

:roflmao: Love it!

Oldfart

10-24-2011, 05:41 PM

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death.

dicksbro

10-24-2011, 06:41 PM

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

dicksbro

10-24-2011, 06:44 PM

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says..........

"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

dicksbro

10-24-2011, 06:48 PM

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside K-Mart, so I could ride you for a quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

Lord Snow

10-24-2011, 07:38 PM

You forgot:

Those clothes look great on you, but would look better on my bedroom floor.
Your dad must have been a farmer because those are some great looking melons.
and the ever popular:

Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?

Oldfart

10-25-2011, 06:21 PM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
> .
>
>
> .
>
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
>
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

dicksbro

10-26-2011, 02:55 AM

That "quacks" me up. :D

PantyFanatic

10-28-2011, 10:55 AM

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

PantyFanatic

11-02-2011, 01:06 AM

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas& a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket."!!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

dicksbro

11-02-2011, 02:19 AM

^^^^ There went any hope of "political correctness."

:roflmao:

Oldfart

11-02-2011, 03:03 AM

That just hit another wave of emails PF.

dicksbro

11-04-2011, 05:21 AM

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Lord Snow

11-04-2011, 02:14 PM

Now that is an "oh, shit!" moment.

Oldfart

11-04-2011, 07:05 PM

It's his fault for not taking the moral high ground about entering that den of sin and perfidy.

PantyFanatic

11-07-2011, 02:28 AM

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:$24.00

Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right! :thumbs:

(You women have no idea how true this is)! :nod:

Lord Snow

11-07-2011, 01:44 PM

Now wait a minute. First it no longer costs 24.00 for an oil changed. It's 35.00 at walmart. Second, the rest only applies to rednecks currently residing in Kentucky and Tennessee.

Mark_Tween

11-07-2011, 04:39 PM

A man walks into a bar in nome Alaska and notices there are dollar bills covering every square inch of the walls and ceiling.

Curious, he asks the bartender what's up with all the money?

The bar tender says, well, you can have all that money. You just have to do three things first.

1. You have to knock me out. Now at six foot five and three hundred pounds, this was no easy task.

2. I've got a wolf in the back with an abcessed tooth. You gotta pull it for me.

3. You see that 90 year old inuit woman down at the end of the bar? She's a virgin, and you have to pop her cherry!

The man just shakes his head and asks for a bottle of whiskey.

An hour later the man calls the bar tender over.

The bartender says, yeah wadda you ....WHACK! The man picked up the empty bottle and knocks out the bar tender.

When the bartender comes to he here's the biggest ruckus coming outta the back room, howling, snarling, screaming and all sorts of unpleasant sounds.

The man, bleeding, and bruised. obviously wasted and slurring his speach says.....

Ok, I took care of you, I took care of that dog, now where's that old woman that needs her tooth pulled! :)

Oldfart

11-07-2011, 06:53 PM

The cold'll do that to you. LOL.

Oldfart

11-10-2011, 08:09 PM

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did.... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

PantyFanatic

11-13-2011, 10:55 AM

Navy cruiser was anchored in Gulfport, Mississippi, for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner who was also a former Army helicopter pilot:

Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews, please.

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.

One is a Lieutenant Commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our Navy helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

The third officer is also a Lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.

Finally, the fourth officer, also a Lieutenant Commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.

scotzoidman

11-14-2011, 08:31 PM

My dad had to explain that one to me...about 40 yrs ago :brows:

dicksbro

11-22-2011, 07:15 AM

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends

And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

Oldfart

11-22-2011, 10:20 PM

Well done.

PantyFanatic

11-26-2011, 04:20 PM

My wife says to me the other night "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face.

Turns out we don't watch the same movies. :shrug:

dicksbro

11-26-2011, 07:33 PM

She, of course, recognized the innocent mistake right way ... right? :confused?

:D

dicksbro

11-30-2011, 06:52 AM

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave.

The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

dicksbro

11-30-2011, 06:54 AM

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came."

dicksbro

11-30-2011, 07:04 AM

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

dicksbro

11-30-2011, 07:13 AM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Oldfart

11-30-2011, 07:33 PM

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Oldfart

11-30-2011, 07:35 PM

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops,

although they do make me look a bit gay.

Oldfart

12-01-2011, 11:14 PM

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy
pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "Had him circumcised!"

dicksbro

12-02-2011, 06:28 PM

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old.

Well . . . You'll Love This One.

Hi, The Other Day I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed Her Dds Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore Her Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Beautiful, Dark-haired Girl With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago.

Could She Be The Same Gal That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Her, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Woman With Gray-hair And A Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.

After She Examined My Teeth, I Asked Her If She Had Attended Morgan Park High School .

'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' She Gleamed With Pride.

When Did You Grad

She Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'

You Were In My Class! I Exclaimed.

She Looked At Me Closely.

Then, That Ugly,

Old,

Gray Haired,

Wrinkled Faced,

Fat-assed,

Decrepit

Bitch

Asked,

What Did You Teach??? :yikes:

dicksbro

12-06-2011, 03:13 AM

Well Known Murphy’s Laws!!!

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers..

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

dicksbro

12-07-2011, 04:18 AM

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend.

"That's us in ten years".

He said, "That's a mirror, dip-shit!"

dicksbro

12-16-2011, 04:31 AM

Bowrrowed from: http://www.christmascarnivals.com/quotes/naughty-christmas-quotes.html

1.I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
-- David Letterman

2.Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
-- Frank McKinney Hubbard

3.I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas
with a note on it saying, toys not included.
-- Bernard Manning

4.I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple

5.The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
-- Joan Rivers

6.Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
-- W.C. Fields

Oldfart

12-16-2011, 06:58 AM

Good one DB.

dicksbro

12-17-2011, 06:57 AM

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with -- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.''

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Lord Snow

12-17-2011, 09:23 AM

I've heard number 9 before. I love math jokes.

Oldfart

12-17-2011, 10:27 AM

I love that Poem.

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

jseal

12-17-2011, 10:42 AM

^^^ Yes indeed! :thumbs: ^^^

dicksbro

12-23-2011, 09:21 PM

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

I dunno, why do we? :shrug:

Oldfart

12-24-2011, 01:08 AM

If I told you, I'd have to get PF to kill you.

dicksbro

12-28-2011, 03:59 AM

Now that you mention it ... I seem to recall him telling me a joke and I said to him then, "You slay me!" :shrug:

Oldfart

12-28-2011, 05:41 AM

That's him.

Lilith

01-02-2012, 04:38 PM

http://www.demotivation.us/media/demotivators/demotivation.us_Kama-Sutra-of-the-21st-century_129993187189.jpg

Oldfart

01-02-2012, 06:19 PM

Truth.

PantyFanatic

01-03-2012, 01:45 AM

Too true :rofl:

dicksbro

01-03-2012, 03:28 AM

:roflmao: Love it.

dicksbro

01-03-2012, 04:16 AM

Wife asks husband: How many women have you slept with?

Husband replies: Only you, darling. With all the others I was awake. :yikes:

Hosptial visiting hours are from 10AM to 4PM.

Oldfart

01-03-2012, 06:49 AM

Some people will do anything to have a crack at a nurse, or is that to have at a nurse's crack?

dicksbro

01-09-2012, 11:27 AM

Got this from Irish and thought it was cute ...

-----

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."

All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece

When it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion

You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,

You get $2,000 a week allowance,

You take 6 vacations a year and

You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!

Oldfart

01-09-2012, 06:27 PM

Echoes of the economy?

Lord Snow

01-11-2012, 07:02 PM

I saw this on facebook and had to share.

Oldfart

01-11-2012, 08:59 PM

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly.

"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons".

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

dicksbro

01-13-2012, 06:05 AM

Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner?

Its the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved!

pinkFlames

01-15-2012, 07:50 AM

Thank you for that timely advice, Dicksbro.

dicksbro

01-16-2012, 04:28 AM

Those of you who worry about Republican vs Democrat, relax. Here is our real problem:

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her Opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in Our elections! They multiply and they walk among us.

:faint:

dicksbro

01-16-2012, 04:34 AM

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

Oldfart

01-16-2012, 08:10 AM

Man I'm glad I don't live on your street.

On mine, she doesn't have a dog, so I figure I'm a winner.

Oldfart

01-16-2012, 07:22 PM

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: 'who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later an AMG
Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with
grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes
and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells
them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
responsibility for my actions. I will pay all costs and provide for your
daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will
bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a
$2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a
factory and $2,000,000 each. Finally, for causing such social embarrassment
and distress to you both, I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation,
my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any
time. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a
hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: 'You root her again.'

PantyFanatic

01-17-2012, 11:21 AM

Subject: Kids in Church

3-year-old Reese: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait. 'Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan , you be Jesus !'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven, 'the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing? 'I wouldn't know what to say, the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say, 'the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Oldfart

01-17-2012, 06:14 PM

Kids, better seen than heard.

Booger

01-19-2012, 03:54 AM

A Short Story For Engineers

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers; "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

Moral: In engineering, it pays to KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid!).

Oldfart

01-19-2012, 04:36 AM

A Short Story For Engineers

Moral: In engineering, it pays to KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid!).

Love it.

PantyFanatic

01-19-2012, 11:31 AM

That is not a joke but I guess we don't have a 'methodology' thread. :thumbs:

Oldfart

01-19-2012, 03:35 PM

That is not a joke but I guess we don't have a 'methodology' thread. :thumbs:

Keep your crazy religion out of this Mr Fanatic.

There are impressionable minds in this fun-house.

Maleslut1186

01-19-2012, 03:48 PM

And there are impressionable not so young mechnical engineers in this fun house too !

Oldfart

01-19-2012, 04:58 PM

So there!

dicksbro

01-20-2012, 06:44 AM

:boink:

jseal

01-21-2012, 08:42 PM

Two doctors were resting after having sex.

One says to the other, “You must be a Gynecologist, ‘cause you sure know how to work that pussy!’

The other replies, “You must be an Anesthesiologist, ‘cause I didn’t feel a thing.”

Oldfart

01-22-2012, 05:25 AM

Harsh, that is so harsh.

Oldfart

01-23-2012, 10:32 PM

This will warm your heart.........

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
Food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And
Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,

"Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
Certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said,

"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
Started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My
Grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for

The rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
Of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grumpy old bitch! "

dm383

01-24-2012, 01:25 AM

:cabbagep: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

dicksbro

01-24-2012, 05:25 AM

OF ... you've done it again! :roflmao:

Lord Snow

01-24-2012, 08:35 AM

See, wisdom from the mouth of babes. It's a good thing.

dicksbro

02-05-2012, 08:24 AM

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window of his car.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”;

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations.”;

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”;

Oldfart

02-05-2012, 09:01 AM

Looks like they've met their match.

Oldfart

02-07-2012, 01:19 AM

Aussie aviation, this is long, but worth it.

Sharni, no liquids while reading this please.

G'day Mate,
I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's licence back.
You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate. But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA Examiner.

On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA dickhead), seemed a reasonable sort of a bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me
operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the "ALA"(Authorized Landing Area), is about a mile away. I explained that
because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than the "ALA," and despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off because at the
halfway point down the strip you're usually still on the ground.

For some reason Ron, seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the prick was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three
times instead of my usual two.

My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks. In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I
had to deliver three "poddy calves" from the home paddock to the main herd.
After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron, started getting onto me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I
knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves, like to move around a bit particularly when they see themselves 500-feet off the ground!
So, it's bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.

Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 RPM. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody
Headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel
selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on "All tanks," so I suppose that's okay.

However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to
relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought," not the starboard wheel chock again."

The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked around just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop-wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble," I thought...

While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the "ALA" and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift
off point and then he bloody screamed > his head off. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

"Now take it easy Ron," I told him firmly. "That often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it." I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or
two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but
in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly..

Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my test flight. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days) I selected some nice music
on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500-feet. I don't normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know getting FAX access out here is a
friggin' joke and the weather is always "8/8 blue" anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking on that.

Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels, and always carry a loaded 303, clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards..

We were too high to hit them but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron, was friggin electric. As I fired the first shot his
neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.

Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500-feet down to 500-feet at 130, knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment to Ron on this unusual sight but he looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the foetal position and was screaming' his 'freakin' head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there,
it was so bloody funny!

At about 500-feet I levelled out but for some reason we kept sinking. When we reached 50-feet, I applied full power but nothing happened. No noise no nothin. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying "carb heat, carb heat." So I pulled carb heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!

Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. You would have been really proud of me as
I didn't panic once, not once but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a while now). Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging
eyes reappeared. His Mouth opened very wide but no sound emerged. "Take it easy," I told him, "we'll be out of this in a minute." Sure enough, about a minute later we emerged, still straight and level and still at 50-feet.

Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down and I kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing." This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a
nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again.

By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. "Ah!" I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right there."
Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut it's circuit breaker to shut it up but by then I knew
we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75-foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!

Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the
aircraft like there was no tomorrow.

I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that
Ron, really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can you believe it? I saw him running off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been
confined to a psychiatric institution - poor bugger!

Anyhow mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I got this letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another
flight proficiency test.

Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation but I can't see what else I did that was a so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin' license. Can you?

Ralph H. Bell Mud Creek Station

jseal

02-07-2012, 06:01 AM

Excellent! :thumb:

dicksbro

02-07-2012, 06:09 AM

Sounded pretty routine to me. :spin:

:D

Oldfart

02-07-2012, 09:05 AM

I know people who think like that, seriously.

I've heard of a fishing net dragged behind a chopper recently.

This is the boonies.

dm383

02-07-2012, 03:31 PM

Yeah, I was thinking I'd flown with that guy!!

Anyway, moving on…….

A guy is driving around Ayrshire and he sees a sign in front of a house that says Talking Dog For Sale.
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes into the back garden and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"Is this the one that talks?" he asks. Breeder says "Aye."

Bloke kneels down in front of the pooch, starts to pat it and says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. So, as a reward they retired me, got me lovely Labrador bitch to share my kennel with. I had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just living the life of Reilly."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the guy says.

"Ten quid? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"He's a fuckin' liar. He never did any of that shite."

Oldfart

02-07-2012, 04:55 PM

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls
off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog,Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her
husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.'When she answered the door, I said to her,
"you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken..I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

Oldfart

02-07-2012, 08:53 PM

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Oldfart

02-09-2012, 07:07 PM

The Arab and the Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need
arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found
locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly
donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the
Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US
dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to
donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a
jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his
kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I
thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds
& money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Och, aye th'noo, Jimmy!"

Oldfart

02-09-2012, 09:26 PM

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

dicksbro

02-10-2012, 03:40 AM

Drums in his heart were strummin' ... cock in his bum was plummin' ... his bonnie lad was cummin' shootin' his seed! :D

dm383

02-16-2012, 01:39 PM

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia ...

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand!'

Oldfart

02-19-2012, 09:51 PM

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington races ( Melbourne race course) to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal..

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

"No, love,"he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

dicksbro

02-20-2012, 04:00 AM

:roflmao:

PantyFanatic

02-23-2012, 01:45 AM

Proof certain Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are dead. They just registered to vote in Chicago. :cool:

dicksbro

02-23-2012, 02:58 AM

Proof certain Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are dead. They just registered to vote in Chicago. :cool:
Six times! :boink:

Oldfart

02-23-2012, 05:30 AM

Each?

Oldfart

02-27-2012, 10:48 PM

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a fucking brick wall."

dicksbro

03-02-2012, 05:58 AM

OMG! ^^^^

:roflmao:

Oldfart

03-10-2012, 07:54 PM

This is an oldie, but a goodie.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

dicksbro

03-11-2012, 04:00 AM

Hmmmm ... who does this make you think of?

http://www.animatedgif.net/naughty/new/idaho_road_sign.gif

CAUTION, the person you hit could be a Pixie! :yikes:

Oldfart

03-11-2012, 07:37 AM

It looks like an extreme way to keep your dick warm in winter.

Oldfart

03-11-2012, 07:54 PM

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother
answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all
mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it possible that
you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from
monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."

dicksbro

03-15-2012, 03:28 AM

:faint:

Oldfart

03-18-2012, 08:40 PM

I'll leave this one for Buddy Hackett to tell. Absolutely marvellous joke.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DqSw41jD2Q

dicksbro

03-19-2012, 04:23 AM

Yep. You can have the duck! :roflmao:

Oldfart

03-22-2012, 07:51 PM

Another visual.

dicksbro

03-24-2012, 03:59 AM

^^^^ :roflmao:

Oldfart

03-27-2012, 07:52 AM

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Lord Snow

03-27-2012, 05:53 PM

Sounds like a plan to me.

dicksbro

04-02-2012, 06:22 AM

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble...

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news

She walks into the telegraphoffice, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

dicksbro

04-02-2012, 06:28 AM

OldTimer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

PantyFanatic

04-04-2012, 10:55 PM

:fone: .....:fone: .....:fone: .....:fone:

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

..............................................
..............................................
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

**Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................
**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

:yikes:

dicksbro

04-05-2012, 03:07 AM

Oops.

:roflmao:

Lord Snow

04-23-2012, 08:48 PM

Shit Happens (http://www.thejaywalker.com/pages/shit_happens.html)

Just proves that no matter what faith, shit happens.

Oldfart

04-23-2012, 08:54 PM

Amen.

jseal

04-24-2012, 06:02 AM

A bunch of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jane Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later at age 25, the guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of hot chicks.

Ten years later at age 35 the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later at age 45 the group again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the martinis were big, and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later at 55 the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later at age 65 the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later at 75, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because the food wasn't too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View because they had never been there before.

Oldfart

04-24-2012, 07:24 AM

A bit close to the bone, young jsealwalker.

Lord Snow

04-24-2012, 05:41 PM

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Oldfart

04-24-2012, 07:50 PM

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Lord Snow

04-25-2012, 07:45 PM

The Man Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg)

The Wife Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haUFv732DwU&feature=related)

It's a Great Day (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaEAinJMwHI)

Just a few videos to put a smile on your faces.

Oldfart

04-26-2012, 05:35 AM

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Oldfart

05-04-2012, 12:06 AM

With the most mealy-mouthed apologies.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore !!!!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.' (Bird-watchers will know her as a 'Double-breasted Mattress-Thrasher')

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

dicksbro

05-04-2012, 12:36 AM

Those are good, OF! Love 'em. :thumbs:

dm383

05-04-2012, 01:20 AM

A man and his wife consult a golf pro to try and improve their game.

The pro examines the man's technique and comments, "Your grip's too tight, imagine you're holding the club like you'd hold your wife's breasts."

The man does so and hits the ball right onto the green.

Next the pro looks at the wife's technique. "I can see your problem," says the pro. "Your grip is too tight, handle the club as if it was your husband's penis."

The woman does so, but only manages to knock the ball a few feet from the tree.

"Okay," says the pro, "Not to worry. Now the first thing you have to do is take the club out of your mouth..."

dicksbro

05-04-2012, 03:58 AM

:roflmao:

PantyFanatic

05-08-2012, 10:06 PM

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives, in one compound, and never left the house for five years.

It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself.

PantyFanatic

05-11-2012, 07:22 PM

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. :D

Oldfart

05-26-2012, 07:49 PM

USA RECESSION

The
recession has hit everybody really hard... .....................

My
neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are
having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off
25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her
with rolls
of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only
one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you
call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted
a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and learned their
childrens' names.

My cousin had an exorcism
but couldn't afford to pay for it, and
they re-possessed her!

A
truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is
now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is
now managed by Somali pirates.

Oldfart

05-27-2012, 07:07 PM

Last week, she checked into the caravan park in Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a coin off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, madam, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby.

Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Oldfart

05-29-2012, 05:18 AM

This is another of those absolutely true, factual and inarguable emails. At least this one is funny.

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

dicksbro

06-04-2012, 04:18 AM

:roflmao:

Oldfart

06-13-2012, 01:14 AM

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground.

The sign reads:
"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

dicksbro

06-13-2012, 03:47 AM

LOL! Love it.

Oldfart

06-14-2012, 07:38 AM

It's a repeat, but a good one.

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."

dicksbro

06-15-2012, 05:07 PM

I had heard that, but thanks for bringing it back ... it's terrific. :roflmao:

Oldfart

06-17-2012, 07:06 PM

More classics.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started......
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat

alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up

those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

_____________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

dicksbro

06-19-2012, 04:55 AM

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out the front door, stepping around empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman says.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

"Is that a game?" the mailman asks. "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Well, that's why I came out to talk to you," Bob says. "You better lay low for a few days, since your name came up seven times and several of the guys are looking for you."

dicksbro

06-19-2012, 04:58 AM

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their lovemaking encounter. Her husband readily agreed.

It set a precedent -- this scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in sitting at the kitchen table, head in his hands. During the next few minutes, he explained that with the economy shattered, General Motors had laid him off from his well-paid management position. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and because he had counted on his pension, he never invested any money and they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 40 years of steady deposits and interest -- the total nearly $1 million. The husband was starting to get rather excited, but then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the local bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her careful savings.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

They found him submerged in Lake Erie, in his favorite Chevy. Some men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Oldfart

06-19-2012, 08:15 AM

Good ones.

dicksbro

06-28-2012, 03:43 AM

A man walks into a store with his eight-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

Oldfart

06-28-2012, 05:38 AM

True story.

Oldfart

07-04-2012, 11:06 PM

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50......................He's the Window cleaner"!

dicksbro

07-05-2012, 05:13 AM

:roflmao: Love it.

Oldfart

07-11-2012, 07:46 AM

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

dicksbro

07-22-2012, 03:36 AM

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

dicksbro

07-22-2012, 03:38 AM

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

dicksbro

07-22-2012, 03:39 AM

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

dicksbro

07-22-2012, 03:40 AM

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

dicksbro

07-22-2012, 03:41 AM

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

dicksbro

07-22-2012, 03:42 AM

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' :yikes:

Oldfart

07-26-2012, 04:16 PM

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

" McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

“O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Oldfart

07-31-2012, 05:01 PM

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

dicksbro

08-01-2012, 03:37 AM

A young 7 year boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

dicksbro

08-01-2012, 03:44 AM

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

Oldfart

08-01-2012, 02:45 PM

Perpetual students, those with PHDs in asymmetrical basket weaving as an allegory of the transient nature of conscious counter-morality in the unconsolidated T'Soli clans of lower Gabon, with special regard to the resonances with the legends of ut Napishtam as told in the cuneiform records of Chaldeen Ur and nascent Assyria.

Lord Snow

08-01-2012, 03:17 PM

I don't understand. OF, was that a joke or a response to DB....or both maybe? It makes my head spin whatever it is.

Oldfart

08-01-2012, 07:26 PM

DB wanted to know which drain on society he'd missed, so I told him.

dicksbro

08-05-2012, 02:26 AM

Thanks. :)

Just remember:

To err is human.

To blame someone else shows management potential.

ghiirr

08-05-2012, 07:34 PM

here too. are you stayin' cozy?
:line: :line: :line:

--------------------------

Oldfart

08-05-2012, 09:16 PM

Not as cozy as you'd be after all the shovelling and running.

Oldfart

08-15-2012, 01:47 AM

Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous.
Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why.

A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!),
The wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones
Indoors to protect them from the cold night.

It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the lounge.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the lounge and the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge..
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the lounge.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth
And slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him,
So she assumed that the snake had bitten him.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade.
The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her!