=====>Jokes<=====

[dicksbro]

:yikes:




:D

[Oldfart]

Another repeat, but it's so good.


A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"


"Sean," he replied.

"Sean forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Sean answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Sean finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy putting lessons, Sean thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"







Under the cart.

[dicksbro]

Oh.






:D

[Oldfart]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to
her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her
hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said,
'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death
to ask the cranky old fart what his name is.'

[dicksbro]

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe even years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

[Oldfart]

Yup.

[dicksbro]

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles.

Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[dicksbro]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such

an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

[dicksbro]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swaller?'The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'

[Lord Snow]

My girl friend threw sodium chloride at me last night. When I called the police, the officer who arrived said "It was a salt."

[Oldfart]

A Love Story. kinda Brings a Tear to your eye!
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

[dm383]

A Love Story. kinda Brings a Tear to your eye!
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."


Stolen!

DM

[dicksbro]

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

[dicksbro]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[dicksbro]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

:yikes:

[dicksbro]

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,

"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"

[Oldfart]

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement...! That's when I thought "Fucking wait a minute..."

[dicksbro]

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.

- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.

As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:

- Gorgonzola!

- Wait, it is not on yet.

[dicksbro]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:

- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.

- Did you dance much?

- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

[Oldfart]

Most of these have been here before, but like a good pub, well worth the re-visit.


PUNOGRAPHY


I changed my iPod name to Titanic... It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner. Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.

[dicksbro]

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

[Oldfart]

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world:

Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this:

Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

[Oldfart]

A Christmas joke - and it is Scottish,


A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[dm383]

Heehee - it's not true, honest!






(Well …………. mostly! ;) )

DM

[dicksbro]

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. -- Bernard Manning

[Oldfart]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £10

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.


If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah.”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......"
They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”

[Oldfart]

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake,
some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table
with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble any more..

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I
heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like
for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you,
I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat
bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal,my favourite waiter .
came over and says, 'Curry ok?' I said, 'Go on then,
just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the
head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke
shouts, 'That's just for starters!



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

[dicksbro]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1[B]

Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

[dicksbro]

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.”

[dicksbro]

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in an Aston Martin than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

[dicksbro]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

[dicksbro]

What Religion is A Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type Supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

On a separate note, have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for,
It is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...


They forgot the German bra:

Holtzemfromfloppen

[Oldfart]

:)

[dm383]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'

[dicksbro]

LOL! :thumbs:

[Oldfart]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night

They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

Their last song “Living on a prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him “Can you burn me a copy”

That was when the trouble started….

[dicksbro]

:faint:








:D

[Oldfart]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them..
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

[Oldfart]

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your fucking Ferrari?

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: Those are great!

Okay, here's mine for this morning ...

-----

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

:shrug:

[dicksbro]

Some 200 dead crows were found near Jefferson, IA , and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The State then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. He determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."

Have a nice day...

[WildIrish]

:D great one

[dicksbro]

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~Butch Hancock

[Oldfart]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'


The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.


'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life..'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'

[dicksbro]

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertable infront waving their arms about having an arguement of somesort. Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"Whats that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad replies,"Its a bug."

Then she says,"That bug sure has a big cock!"

[dicksbro]

A sign of today's world ...

Two little girls are playing in the sandbox and the says to the other, "I'm never ever going to have any children. Nope. Not in my whole life."

"Why not," asked her friends.

"I just heard that kids take 9 months to download!"

[dicksbro]

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela's Sporting Goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

:shrug:

[Oldfart]

I can just imagine that.

Taking PantyFanatic with you would just make it golden.

[jseal]

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Oldfart]

Depends on the litter size, jseal.

[dicksbro]

Jseal, I loved it. :roflmao:

[CarlosamPlus]

A joke is something spoken, written, or done with humorous intention. Jokes may have many different forms, e.g., a single word or a gesture (considered in a ...

[dicksbro]

Is that a joke? ^^^^ :shrug:

[dicksbro]

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

[Oldfart]

Is that a joke? ^^^^ :shrug:

Nah, it's a bot of some kind.

[jseal]

Deleted
Nah, it's just another spammer. :(

[dicksbro]

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed a large billboard sign advertising free sex with a 15 gallon fill-up of gas. Thinking this sounded like too good of a deal to be true, they both decided to check it out and went into town and stopped at the gas station. They filled up their car with gas and went into pay. Before handing over the money, they asked the station manager about the free sex.

"Well," said the manager, "it's not quite that simple. First you need to take a simple test and if you pass, you get the free sex. What you do is try and guess the number I am thinking of between One and Five."

The men looked at each other and decided to try the number, Three.

"Wrong," said the manager, the number I was thinking of was Two, but you can come back again and try to win."

The Norwegian men left the gas station disappointed and drove away. While in their car, one looks over and says to the other, "Hey, Ole, I bet that manager cheated us. You know he could have said any number and how would we know if it was the right number?"

His friend looked at him and replied, "No you're wrong, he didn't cheat us. My wife won four times just last week!"

[Oldfart]

For the Aussies, but the basics are universal.

A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. " "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

[Oldfart]

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that as of early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero as the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[dicksbro]

CHINESE BABY

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says..........

"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

[dicksbro]

SIMPLE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
"DAM!"

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
POLAROIDS.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A STICK.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
NACHO CHEESE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
QUATTRO SINKO.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
SPOILED MILK.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
FROSTBITE.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A NERVOUS WRECK.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF.

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
BECAUSE IT SCARES THE DOG.

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
SANKA.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.

WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR BELT BUCKLE ON THEIR HAT.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DANG IT!! A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DANG IT, WHACK!!

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
UNIQUE UP ON IT.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
SKEET.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING.

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER.






Okay, at this point feel free to groan if you wish. :D

[dicksbro]

Penis Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops." :(

[Oldfart]

Truth. :(

[dicksbro]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and Help me !"

'I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.'

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no atter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he sighed...

Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

[ShadowDancer]

50 Shades of grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !

[Lord Snow]

This is all I have to say about that ^^^^^^^^^^ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CddnsHSlMw)

[Oldfart]

There's an interesting song, "I'll never get over you getting over me."

[dicksbro]

As we progress into 2013 I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!

[Oldfart]

Thanks, mate. Now my 2013's fucked as well.

[dicksbro]

I'll never forget when I was a little kid, around four or five, my friend from next door and I used to share bubble gum. He'd have a few chews, then I would, and so on. Then, in the summer, we were always getting a drink of water from the garden hose.

We were sure lucky back then, they hadn't invented all these new fangled diseases yet.

:shrug:

[dicksbro]

I don't know who wrote this ... but it's cute ...

-----

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

[Oldfart]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited
callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives:





Best call was from the brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman Furniture and Electrical" -


explaining ...



"Absolutely no interest for 36 months"

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...





1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.


2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.


3. F***ing refreshes you.


4. After f***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.


5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save your valuable energy.


6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels














Fasting is good for your health
and may God cleanse your dirty mind.....

[dicksbro]

Gosh, OF, what else could it have been except "fasting?" :confused:







:D

[Oldfart]

I'll tell you when you're old enough to cope with the concept DB.

[Lord Snow]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi

[dicksbro]

Semper Fi!! :D

[dicksbro]

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

-----


"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

[dicksbro]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked upto the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I wouldlike to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Oldfart]

A few I was sent. I deleted ones I knew were repeats.



Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!



A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, 'Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'

[dicksbro]

GREAT PICKUP LINES

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

[dicksbro]

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Lord Snow]

Wow......just wow.

[dicksbro]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

[dicksbro]

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign....

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

[dicksbro]

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of
attention.

[Oldfart]

Did I tell you about the newlyweds who waited up all night for their sexual relations to arrive?

No?

Thought not.

[dicksbro]

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.




Ain't that the truth !!

[dicksbro]

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

[dicksbro]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

[dicksbro]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[dicksbro]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[dicksbro]

The Haircut

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.

Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,

but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:-

Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair,

Moses had long hair,

and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

-----

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)


"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[Oldfart]

------ Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

.
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.
-.


----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt!

[dicksbro]

Love it! :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot..

Navy SEAL Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing in sight.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers' Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine and dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but close enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy!

[PantyFanatic]

pretty damn close :nod:

[PantyFanatic]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

:D

[dicksbro]

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Doug came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Doug."

[Oldfart]

Not a parrot, a stool pigeon.

[gekkogecko]

rock

[dicksbro]

Tenjooberrymuds
Travelling in Canada? Maybe you need to understand Tenjooberrymuds!


I was recently in Vancouver and decided to learn the Chinese language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.

My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

Yep, by the time you read this, You too will be able to understand the 1st line.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... (first line)

In order to continue getting-by in Canada (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you 'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old Canada today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I 'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don 't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don 't know what 'judo wan sahn toes ' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I 've got it! You were saying 'toast '... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that 'S everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You 're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS ' ".......and you do, don 't you!

[dicksbro]

Tenjooberrymuds
Travelling in Canada? Maybe you need to understand Tenjooberrymuds!


I was recently in Vancouver and decided to learn the Chinese language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.

My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

Yep, by the time you read this, You too will be able to understand the 1st line.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... (first line)

In order to continue getting-by in Canada (or the US), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you 'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old Canada today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I 'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don 't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don 't know what 'judo wan sahn toes ' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I 've got it! You were saying 'toast '... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that 'S everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You 're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS ' ".......and you do, don 't you!

[Lord Snow]

Spaghetti...for Italians

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would
pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today .'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[Lord Snow]

A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep coma.After six months she wakes up to find that she was no longer pregnant. When she asks the doctor about it he says that she had given birth to twins a boy and a girl. He also mentioned that her brother went ahead and named them. She's immediately dismayed stating that her brother is an idiot, and asked what he named them. The doctor tells her well he named the girl Denise.....and the boy Denephew.

[Lord Snow]

http://i1051.photobucket.com/albums/s422/nightswatch/iguana_zps1f4c5991.jpg (http://s1051.photobucket.com/user/nightswatch/media/iguana_zps1f4c5991.jpg.html)

[dicksbro]

Subject: BALLS

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

[dicksbro]

*** It's Tough To Be Old ***

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this.. first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing...'

The doctor was shocked! * 'You asked your neighbor?' *



The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.'



Got this from Irish! Thanks, my friend!

[dicksbro]

Ain't easy being a dick ...

see for yourself ...

[Oldfart]

Truth.

[ShadowDancer]

MURDER AT Wal-Mart

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend'
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local WalMart Super store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However,
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.


Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared...





'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMart '

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

The Jewish E L B O W

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who
is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment
301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow ,
push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is
on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get
out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow? ..........


"What . . . .. ... You coming empty handed?"

[dicksbro]

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down
through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me
your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed
with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

[dicksbro]

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the
neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on,
baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the
dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

[dicksbro]

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 fuddy-duddy is reading Pixie jokes.

You hang in there, Sunshine! :D

[dicksbro]

Two politicians in Washington had become good friends and discovered they shared a fondness for horses, so, they decided to each buy a horse and keep them penned at the same farm.

After they got the horses, they went out to the farm and were admiring their purchase. All of a sudden the one asked the other, "How are we going to tell our horses apart?"

The second politician pondered the question and finally suggested, "How about we trim the tail on one but not the other."

Thinking this was a good idea, they proceeded to do that. Then, they stood by and the first politician said, "You know ... we didn't need to trim the one horse's tail ... that white horse is taller than that black one!"

[Oldfart]

.................................

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Yikes!

[dicksbro]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without
any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot does, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.



Sent to me by Irish

[dicksbro]

A guy is walking beside a lake when he sees a flying saucer swoop overhead, and crash in to the water. In the wreckage that floats to the surface, he sees a body, so he dives in to pull it ashore. It turns out to be a beautiful, green skinned alien babe in a skintight silver spacesuit. He gives her mouth to mouth, and unzips her suit to help her breathe.

"Oh thank you, human, you've saved my life!" she gasps. Then seeing the guy staring at her exposed, green skinned tits, she smiles shyly.

"On my planet we call these 'breasts'...do you like them?"

The guy nods, speechless, as the ET beauty arches her back, fingertips stroking the jutting emerald buds atop her firm boobs.

"These, we call 'nipples'....." she gasps, before unzipping her spacesuit all the way down.
"...and this, on my world, is called a 'pussy'..." she croons, revealing her lovely. bald, smooth green snatch.

Unable to contain himself the guy tugs down his fly and pulls out his cock.

"What do you call this on your world?" he gasps.

"I don't know" the alien babe frowns. "But if it were green and eight inches longer, it would be a cock." :(

[dicksbro]

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.


The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.



(Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?)

[Lord Snow]

JUST FRED - Humor
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A quote more than a joke ... still ... I thought it was cute.


“Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!” :yikes:

― Anaïs Nin

[Oldfart]

And your problem is?

[ShadowDancer]

Saying the Right Thing at the Right Time...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to
a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose!
Jack sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a
note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table,
puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!..Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!"."

[dicksbro]

Out of the mouths of drunks sometimes comes wisdom. :)

[dicksbro]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of

extremely idealistic young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love the USMC)

[dicksbro]

For THE MARINES, IS SEX WORK?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee maker to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work .

A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

[Oldfart]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........












but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[dicksbro]

Mooagra. :boink:

[Oldfart]

A drunken man was sitting in a park, sometimes glancing up, sobbing his heart out.

He lifted his head to heaven and cried out, "It's too big, fuck you! It's too big."

Another drunk staggered up and slurred, "What can't be done?"

The first drunk raised his hand and pointed to the sign.






















DRINK CANADA DRY.

[BIBI]

I've known a few who have tried lol.

[Oldfart]

We'll give it a go when M and I get over there.

[BIBI]

Now there's a plan....first round is on me!
:cheers:

[dicksbro]

* Hick *

[BIBI]

Maybe the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued ... and WON! (Stay with me here.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[BIBI]

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Oldfart]

What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?

















A rottweiler.

[BIBI]

One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: ^^^^

[BIBI]

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."

[dicksbro]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[BIBI]

Silly jokes to tell kids.


Seasonal Jokes

Spring

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

Summer

Q: What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer?
A: A hot dog!

Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen?
A: Because they peel.

Fall

Q. How you mend a broken pumpkin?
A. With a pumpkin patch!

Winter

Q: How do Eskimos make their beds?
A: With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

Q: Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter?
A: They wear snowcaps.

Q: What do you call a slow skier?
A: A slopepoke!

Q: Where does a polarbear keep its money?
A: In a snow bank!

[dicksbro]

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

[dicksbro]

Risking the wrath of blondes everywhere ...

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: Because she couldn't find the 11

[Oldfart]

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, S...ophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..."
Luigi gasps, "Thanka Goda ....I thought I had a CRACK in my$300 Armani leather shoes...!"

[BIBI]

:roflmao:

[BIBI]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/bemmelzed/naked.png

[Oldfart]

A tough old cattleman from Jindabyne counselled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her porridge each morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a 12 metre hole where the crematorium used to be.

[dicksbro]

Ya' know, we're getting a bunch of really good jokes. Thanks OF and BIBI! :thumbs:

[Oldfart]

Wait long enough, all things become new again (or so they tell us).

[BIBI]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[dicksbro]

LOL, BIBI! That's cute. :D

[BIBI]

Canada VS United States

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call

[BIBI]

A Cape Bretoner(from Nova Scotia)at the local Welfare Office

A Cape Bretoner walked into the local Welfare Office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "I'm here to pick up my welfare cheque, but I really hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours involved, meals will also be provided and you will be required to escort the young lady on all her overseas holiday trips. The salary package starts at $200,000 a year with room and board and bonuses."

The Cape Bretoner said, "You've got to be bullshitting me man!"
The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well you started it.

[dicksbro]

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do
not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology

Medical Term Redneck Definition
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally More money than Days
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you're out

[BIBI]

Gotta love Redneck jokes.

good one db

[BIBI]

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." :tongue:

[dicksbro]

Present Moon Syndrome I suspect.

[BIBI]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says: "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!, says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!, says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch.

" Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say."

[BIBI]

Present Moon Syndrome I suspect.

Good one db lol

[BIBI]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[BIBI]

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls
him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. * *The
cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"\He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.

------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by
his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...LOL) An Italian tourist asks a blonde
man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still
be in the boat."*

[BIBI]

BOB & THE BLONDE:

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[WildIrish]

My wife complained that I never bring her anywhere expensive. So I brought her to the gas station.

[BIBI]

My wife complained that I never bring her anywhere expensive. So I brought her to the gas station.
lol are you related to Rodney Dangerfield?

[dicksbro]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[dicksbro]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

[BIBI]

JOKES ABOUT MEN

Woman 1: "Has your guy been circumcised?"
Woman 2: "No. He's a complete dick."

**********

Woman1: "Do you ever talk to your man during sex?"

Woman2: "Only if he phones me."

**********

What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man?

Nothing. They both think they know everything.

**********

Why do women really need men about the house?

Because they still haven't invented a vibrator that can do the dishes, cut the lawn, paint the house.........

**********

A woman goes out to buy a gun.

"It's for my husband." she explained to the shop owner.

"But, madam, guns are very personal. They need to be properly suited to their owner. Why not bring your husband along?"

"Because it would ruin the surprise: he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him."

**********

Why don't men get piles?

Because they're perfect a***holes.

**********

How many men does it take to wallpaper the dining room?

Four if you slice them thinly.

[BIBI]

Fairs is fair....now one about women!


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[BIBI]

one more about a woman......


Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Dear Lord, they are finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

[BIBI]

The Lawyer and the Forest Ranger

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

[dicksbro]

Merry Christmas in Legal Terms

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).




If that doesn't put you in the mood ...

[BIBI]

People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
'Don't you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man,
in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 55 years.

[BIBI]

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great, but as yet unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ........
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:"Oh! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".

[BIBI]

NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK!


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated--'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied--'Cause you're ugly.

[Oldfart]

I can hear Churchill muttering in the background. LOL

[BIBI]

I can hear Churchill muttering in the background. LOL

except he would have ended it with....Cause your ugly Madam!

[PantyFanatic]

For all our hunters~


Check List Complete:

I scouted the area all summer.
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand...
I set it all up a month ahead of time...
I trailed the herd . . .
I picked out a trophy buck...
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt...
Everything was in place....
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am....
I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand...
this was destined to be an epic hunt....
As I approached the tree-stand......




























http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h102/PantyFanatic/Openingday.jpg (http://s62.photobucket.com/user/PantyFanatic/media/Openingday.jpg.html)

. . I changed my mind, decided to go to church instead.

[Oldfart]

It's just a bit of company, for goodness sake.

You'd bearly notice him.

Who else has a hide with a bearskin rug?

[Oldfart]

except he would have ended it with....Cause your ugly Madam!

The punchline was "In the morning madam, I shall be sober, but you will still be ugly."

[BIBI]

The punchline was "In the morning madam, I shall be sober, but you will still be ugly."

Oh I knew madam was somewhere in there :shrug:

[jseal]

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ...

"And how about you, Samantha?"

"I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

[WildIrish]

Ok...that one made me snort. lmfao

[Oldfart]

I'll pay that one, with interest.

[dicksbro]

Ya' gotta like ...... Samantha. Smart girl. :D

[Oldfart]

A women told her gynocologist that she kept finding stamps from Costa Rica in her vagina.

The amused doctor replied, "Those aren't postage stamps, they're the stickers on bananas".

[dicksbro]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

[dicksbro]

Now ... a couple of more "Pixie" jokes ... (Note: groaning permitted. :) )

-----

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

-----

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.

A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.

[BIBI]

funny funny funny boys!!!!
:thumb:

[BIBI]

A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight.

Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late.

On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk clerk stops him. The clerk can't stand it any longer and says to the man....

"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon," He asks.

"Yes sir.." The man replies.

"Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed fucking her.." he says.

"I can't, she's got gonorrhea." the man replies casually.

"Okay, then how 'bout a little oral action from her?"

"Nope can't, she's got herpes."The man says calmly.

Agitated, the desk clerk says "Well, you could give it to her up the ass."

"Nope can't, she's got diarrhea."

Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?"

The man smiles....and says

"Well, she's got worms and I like fishing"

[WildIrish]

:eew:

[BIBI]

oh well can't win them all...

and this is from a man who covets sheep lol

[WildIrish]

Gotta draw the line somewhere. lmao

[Oldfart]

Isn't that what started this?

[BIBI]

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

[BIBI]

ALWAYS TIRED

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is
exhausted all the time.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor
gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night
I'm home with my husband!"

[BIBI]

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very
lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."

[dicksbro]

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual talk between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter popped the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[Oldfart]

A farmer was sitting on a fence looking out over his farm, tears running down his face. His neighbour walked up and asked why he was crying.

"Farmer John, you have the best crop of dildos in the whole midwest. What can possibly be the problem? Is it rabbits? Is it squirrels? What is it?"

"Squatters!"

[dicksbro]

:faint:







:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning...
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

[dicksbro]

Love it! :D

[dicksbro]

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't
afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call
blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you
still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce
it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it
'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest
is falling into your drawers.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming
for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.

Gentle Thoughts for Today -

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . ..

... . . . AMEN

[Oldfart]

Amen.

[dicksbro]

Giving Birth or Getting Kicked in the Nuts



What deep thinkers men are. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said "nothing." The reason I said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said "about what." At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

-----

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

[WildIrish]

*like*

[Oldfart]

Ditto.

[BIBI]

An old woman is spending the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

[BIBI]

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[BIBI]

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fuck out!".

So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!" So the boss says, to him, "Get the fuck out!"

As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it." So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?" So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: ^^^^

[dicksbro]

Got this in an email and thought it was cute ...

-----

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe someone who loves using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year. This year's entries are below with the winning submission posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

[BIBI]

they are hilarious......did Oldfart write them?

[Oldfart]

No, but I should have. Lol.

[BIBI]

Classfieds Actually Ran In A Minneapolis Newspaper...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK; $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?: FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

-------------

[BIBI]

Shorts

Shortest English sentence “I am” longest “I do.”

Difference between bonds and men – Bonds mature!

What do you call a man who looses 75% of his intelligence? - Divorced.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

:)

[BIBI]

Case Of The Pregnant Lady from an Actual Australian Court Docket-

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was grinning at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the grin turned into a smile, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned.'

'Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

'Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.'

'BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED

[dicksbro]

:irish: VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND :irish:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[dicksbro]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...










Then, he spoke...'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

[WildIrish]

:doorpeek:

[dicksbro]

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

”Sonofagun!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

[BIBI]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :

"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little brat's name is Kevin."

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[BIBI]

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..."

[dicksbro]

:D Yep!

[BIBI]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/bemmelzed/1959392_10153948279195521_708980258_n.jpg (http://smg.photobucket.com/user/bemmelzed/media/1959392_10153948279195521_708980258_n.jpg.html)

[dicksbro]

^^^^ I LOVE IT! :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A NUN GRADING PAPERS

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.

IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


Aren't kids great?!

[BIBI]

Kids can make the ordinary very extraordinary....love it db.

[BIBI]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/bemmelzed/960d7a56e2cd5d78c94a0002a33ceffe.jpg (http://smg.photobucket.com/user/bemmelzed/media/960d7a56e2cd5d78c94a0002a33ceffe.jpg.html)

[Oldfart]

So, you're saying that being a Louisiana Police Officer is a no-ball profession.

[dicksbro]

Boy, I bet after he realized what he said, he quickly became a low hanger. :yikes:

[BIBI]

Instant abs!




http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/bemmelzed/d623c3d257114896505b73f0db96d4d8.jpg (http://smg.photobucket.com/user/bemmelzed/media/d623c3d257114896505b73f0db96d4d8.jpg.html)

[BIBI]

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.

Gotta love those old folks
_____

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)


HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall......'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

:thumbs:

[Oldfart]

Last month, an Official world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.


The only question asked was:-


"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"



*The survey was a complete failure because:*

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[BIBI]

:rofl:

[BIBI]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[Lord Snow]

Three little pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, drinks them all, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, drinks them all, and then asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, drinks them all, and then sits there eating peanuts. The bartender asks "Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" The third pig responds with "Nope. I'm the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

[jseal]

Lol!

[Oldfart]

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."


1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

[BIBI]

:D So damn true lol

[dicksbro]

That was funny, but, you're right BIBI ...

It's ridiculous that almost everyplace that wants you to use a password puts their own definition in place as to what that password must or must not contain. Then, if you finally get one that works, you've got to try to remember it along with the other 8972394872347923 passwords you've already got. :(

[dicksbro]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He responded, 'Hunting Flies'

So she asked, 'Oh! Killing any?'

He replied. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,'

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'



He responded: '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

[Oldfart]

If you think that that was politically incorrect, wait for this one.



Politically (in)correct in Australia

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I had sex with a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, You just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Fuckwit" & then off we go.....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The White Australia School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.