=====>Jokes<=====

[BIBI]

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[dicksbro]

This is a true story ...

One time I was taking a flight from Peoria to St. Louis where I intended to catch a flight to California. When we landed in St. Louis, the stewardess on the flight made the standard PA system broadcast ... "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain seated until the plane comes to a complete stop at the terminal." Needless-to-say, a lot of passengers were already retrieving their things from the overhead storage areas.

That came to an abrupt ending when the stewardess added, "Anyone not seated will be shot."

The whole plane became totally silent, people sat down, turned around and saw this cute young lady grinning from ear-to-ear. :)

End of the story, not a person got back up until the plane came to a complete stop at the terminal. :D

Today, she'd be in trouble. But then, it was cute (and effective).

[BIBI]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/bemmelzed/10486202_688602114544254_739060639667191197_n.jpg (http://smg.photobucket.com/user/bemmelzed/media/10486202_688602114544254_739060639667191197_n.jpg.html)

[BIBI]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories on Facebook.

[Oldfart]

Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.” Immediately, all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.


One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.


While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?"

The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money, so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.


After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait,” said the Accountant. "Before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.


The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million, so they started to grumble.

"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.


Moral:

Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank .

Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

[dicksbro]

I wonder if it's too late in life to take up a career in banking? :confused:







:D

[Oldfart]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

[BIBI]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg

The Man Song


check this out cause it is funny...

[PantyFanatic]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat a ll day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: You need to tell more jokes, PF!! :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Joke?

[jseal]

The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar ...



... it was a tense situation.

[dicksbro]

:faint:







:D

[Oldfart]

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[dicksbro]

Lol!

[BIBI]

good one OF :)

[scotzoidman]

Maybe it's just me...

[dicksbro]

That certainly lightened things up! :D

[Oldfart]

He's a bright lad.

[dicksbro]

Would you say, "A shining example? Sunshine on a cloudy day?"

[Oldfart]

Sunshine on a cloudy day? Isn't that "My Girl"? Scotz isn't a girl.

[Oldfart]

A Chinese, Frenchman, Australian and a Muslim are on holiday and enjoying the sights off the ‘End of the World Cliffs’ in Sagres, Portugal.

They were standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.

"Why did you do that?" ask the others.

"We have so much money in China and I can afford to do it" says the Chinese.

"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France and I can afford to do it."

The Muslim looks at the Australian and says –

"Don't you fucking dare!"

[jseal]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, and asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the café closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

[dicksbro]

:faint:

[Oldfart]

Note to self, French women are scary.

[BIBI]

A Chinese, Frenchman, Australian and a Muslim are on holiday and enjoying the sights off the ‘End of the World Cliffs’ in Sagres, Portugal.

They were standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.

"Why did you do that?" ask the others.

"We have so much money in China and I can afford to do it" says the Chinese.

"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France and I can afford to do it."

The Muslim looks at the Australian and says –

"Don't you fucking dare!"


:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Gotta' love those folks from Australia! :thumbs:

[Oldfart]

Gotta' love those folks from Australia! :thumbs:

Yes, you do. Otherwise we'll come visiting again.

[BIBI]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/bemmelzed/car.jpg (http://smg.photobucket.com/user/bemmelzed/media/car.jpg.html)

[BIBI]

Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours.

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: That's funny,BIBI! Love it.

[dicksbro]

OLD Is

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ...
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are not sure these are jokes!

[Oldfart]

Sadly, Amen.

[Lord Snow]

A little boy went over to his grandparents' house and his grandfather was smoking a cigar. "May I have a puff of your cigar?" asked the boy. "Does your dick touch your asshole?" asked the grandfather. "No." "Then you can't have a puff of my cigar."

A few hours later the grandfather was drinking a beer. The little boy asked, "May I have a sip of beer?" "Does your dick touch your asshole?" "No." "Then you can't have a sip of beer."

After dinner the little boy was eating cookies and milk and the grandfather asked, "May I have a cookie?" The little boy responded, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" "Yes" replied the grandfather. The little spoke up and said, "Then you can go fuck yourself Grandma made these cookies for me."

[BIBI]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

:coffee:

[dicksbro]

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

[dicksbro]

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

[dicksbro]

Walking on the Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

[Oldfart]

Downright generous beyond all call.

[Oldfart]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

[dicksbro]

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[BIBI]

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.


:spam: :spam: :spam: :spam: :spam: :D

[BIBI]

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”


Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Now those are cute. :D

[Oldfart]

Goodies all were they.

[BIBI]

“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

[dicksbro]

PARAPROSDOKIANS: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation" (i.e. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian).

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a car, and asked for forgiveness.

16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

17. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

18. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, a target.

22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

25. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

27. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

[Oldfart]

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins.
I said ' How can you tell the difference?'
He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".

[dicksbro]

:faint:

[dicksbro]

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse?

2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4. What word starts with 'f ' and ends with 'u-c-k'?

5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in ' u-n-t ' and one of which is a word for a woman?

6. What does a dog do that you can step into?

7. What four-letter word begins with 'f' and ends with' k', and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?

8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9. What four-letter word ends in 'it ' and is found on the bottom
of birdcages?

10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men
than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?









Answers:

1. talk
2. legs
3. a $20 bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. surname

[dicksbro]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?


Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! !! !! !


“


“


“


“


“


“


“


'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...

Sounds to me like she's ....... been sweeping around!!!

:D

[BIBI]

hahahaha with a little groan

[BIBI]

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[BIBI]

Student: "Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No."
Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."



A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."



A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Good ones! :D

[Oldfart]

Yep.

[dicksbro]

Benefits of Being a Woman

We got off the Titanic first.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Free drinks, free dinners.

We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

[dicksbro]

The Smarter Sex

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[dicksbro]

Husband Jokes

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."


How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!"


A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.


A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."



In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."


A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[Oldfart]

I love the Adam and Eve one.

Thanks DB

[dicksbro]

WHY?

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Pepsi?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport a terminal?

[BIBI]

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?


Men can't either db :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Good point BIBI. :D

[jseal]

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No!
Dad: The Girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.
Son: Then okay.

… Dad goes to Bill Gates

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is CEO of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Then okay.

… Dad goes to the President of the World Bank.

Dad: Appoint my son as CEO.
President: No!
Dad: He’s the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: Then okay.

… and that’s how business is done. :)

[Oldfart]

Good one.

[BIBI]

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks:

You may be living in Canada if:


Your local Dairy Queen (ice cream shop) is closed from September through May
Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance... and they don't work there
You've worn shorts and a parka at the same time
You've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the
wrong numbe
You measure distance in hours
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once
You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again
You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
You carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
The speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you're going 90 and everybody is passing you
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
You find 2 degrees "a little" chilly
If you actually understand these Canadian jokes, you definitely live in Canada! :)

[BIBI]

Here are some silly questions that were asked by people from all over the world. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Web site. Obviously the answers are not to be taken seriously, but the questions were indeed asked and are now another addition to the collection of Canadian jokes!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. (LMAO)


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

There you have it, pure sarcasm as part of these Canadian jokes. :tongue:

[BIBI]

The differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Canadians

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

[Oldfart]

Yep.

[dicksbro]

I thought these were pretty good ... not exactly jokes but cute quotes from some celebrities.

------

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

<><>


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry... If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one,you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your troubles be less,
may your blessings be more,
and
may nothing but happiness
come through your door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was good, too. May want to listen to it on YouTube.

IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME ME.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/J55S38xwxnQ?rel=0

[dicksbro]

:wish: MISSING WIFE :wish:

A husband went to the sheriffs department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, Im not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Dont know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I dont remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and Bubba floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

:D

[Oldfart]

Mrs OF is slowly nodding.

[Oldfart]

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course
on the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over
his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's
not even a member of this club.

[dicksbro]

^^^^ I love it! :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Uffdah!

A road crew supervisor hired Ole to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring him, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.

He explained to Ole that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on the road, and he was set up with brushes and paint and got him started. After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift. He told him that he did an excellent job and how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Ole completed painting 2 miles of road. His supervisor was surprised that on the first day, he had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that he would pick up his speed again.

On day 3, the supervisor was shocked to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole only completed painting 1 mile of road. He was called the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem ..

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

"Vell," Ole replied, "I’ll tell you vhat, but I tought you vould know. Every day I vas getting farder and farder avay from da paint can.”

[dicksbro]

ADULT TRUTHS

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent some jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. Uh Huh!

22. Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it? I was in a Starbucks recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.... I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod ........

This is what happens when old people start using technology!



So how was your day?

[dicksbro]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked "What do you mean?"

"Well they flipped a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!!! Like, Hellooo? It's only 25 cents!"

[dicksbro]

Subject: Dr Bumbutu's help

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery.

So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said ’Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger boobies.’

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ’ Are You a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am. How did you know?’

He Winked and Whispered ‘Hickory dickory dock’..

[dicksbro]

Pilot & Priest


A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

I knew you'd like it!

[Lord Snow]

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her
husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it.
The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that
might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill
that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that
the Viagra worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills.
The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle.
The therapist says she doesn't know; it's a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says:
"Are you the moron who gave my mother a bottle of Viagra?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sitting' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

[dicksbro]

^^^^ LOL! :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

The answer is found below. I just know this question has been on your minds for years!


QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:

Australian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

[PantyFanatic]

Not sure this is really a joke :confused:

https://www.youtube.com/v/gXn2kvouPQ4&rel=0&fs=1&autoplay=1

[Lord Snow]

That's entrapment.

[PantyFanatic]

I got a note the link ^^^ isn't working for everyone :confused: Seems some have got through and it's working for me through Pixies. :shrug:

[Oldfart]

That's entrapment.

How?

[Lord Snow]

Okay, so it wasn't entrapment.........But it was still dishonest of the cop to lure the guy out under false pretenses.

[dicksbro]

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Alabama that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says, "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying son-of-a-bitch of a dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

[Oldfart]

Yep.

[dicksbro]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon " quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

" Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[dicksbro]

John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the
traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that
his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six
a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got
to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all
my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own
sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem
with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something
the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

“ NUDIST COLONY”
“Slow down and watch out for chicks”

[Oldfart]

it's the naked truth.

[dicksbro]

After being born in Omaha ... which we left when I was still just a wee baby ... I learned to call Little Falls, MN my home. It was my mom's home and with dad in the military it gave us "roots."

Anyway, got this and loved it ... hope you do, too.

=====

Just in case ya didn't know... yaa, yo-bet-sha... It's true Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin 's winters.

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."

The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Is What You Make It," but that was changed for some reason.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul . He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!!

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

Now... it's up to you to forward this to all your friends If one of them does not forward it to others, he/she will be given an entrance pin to attend the Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN....in February --

Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late

By Yimminy, by golly ... dat's de gospel truth. You 'betcha!

[PantyFanatic]

....Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.....
:roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

[Oldfart]

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.


"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

[dicksbro]

Where were they (last 2 jokes) buried? :confused:

[Oldfart]

Where were they (last 2 jokes) buried? :confused:

Comical Cemetary on Hilarity Hill.

[dicksbro]

:d

[PantyFanatic]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with
a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

:yikes:

[dicksbro]

Logical. Yep, very logical.

:)

[dicksbro]

Hope you know Ole as well as I do.

Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know
them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."

Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you!

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Ole says. ''President Obama," his
boss quickly retorts.

"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him."

We’ll fly out to Washington to see him."

Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."

The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will
never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell
you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come
out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen
minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'

[Oldfart]

I went to a bullfight, and the crowd was ignoring the matador. They just kept calling out "Ole, Ole !". Popular bugger, isn't he.

[dicksbro]

By golly, you betcha! :D

[dicksbro]

Quote of a lifetime

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give
you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you
give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges
what is given to her.





So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

[PantyFanatic]

Two police officers, responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired, arrived on the scene and, after discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant.
Hello, Sarge?
Yes.
It looks like we have a homicide here.
What happened?
A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped.
Have you placed her under arrest?

No sir,.......the floor is still wet.
:yikes:

[dicksbro]

:faint:

How ya' doing, PF? Good to see you.

[BIBI]

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

[dicksbro]

Oops. :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed :hot:, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife. http://serve.mysmiley.net/sick/sick0004.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net)


Moments later the guy gets a second text:"Really should use spell check! That should be"wifi".
:yikes:

[Oldfart]

Bahahahaha.

[dicksbro]

Two easy mistakes. :D

[BIBI]

A fact you won't soon forget...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA)
found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was
concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows,
and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian
Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during
the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on
the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98%
of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological
Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate
percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road
kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending
danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",none could say truck...... ;)

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl:

[dicksbro]

I loved it, too! :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

NEVER LOSE YOUR GRANDSON

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big tits."

[dicksbro]

NOT ACCORDING TO DAD

Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"
Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

[BIBI]

lol dicksbro

[jseal]

Woot! :thumbs:

[BIBI]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." :tongue:

[dicksbro]

Now that's just a "little below the belt." :D

[Oldfart]

It's all right, DB. BIBI's just dicking with you.

[dicksbro]

:yikes:



:D

[BIBI]

http://justdickingabout.tumblr.com/


Mischievous little brain farts wafting past the nostrils of decency. :p

[dicksbro]

Those are cute, bibi! Thanks. :D

[dicksbro]

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertible in front waving their arms about having an argument of some sort. Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"What's that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad, trying to be discrete, replies, "Its a bug."

Then she says, "That bug sure has a big cock!"

[dicksbro]

Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly. Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it.

There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine.

There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSSY IS BOUND TO GE WET!!!

[BIBI]

:rofl: funny db

[dicksbro]

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I`m 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I`m Jewish"

"So why are you telling me?"

"I`m telling everybody!"

[dicksbro]

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn`t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor`s office. The doctor asks her what`s wrong, why doesn`t she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that`s easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I`ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don`t have any money. The cab driver asks me, `Are you going to pay today, or what?` So, I take an `or what`."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I`m late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?` So, I take an `or what`.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what`.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

[jseal]

LOL! Most excellent!

[Oldfart]

Very good.

[PantyFanatic]

:thumb:

[dicksbro]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed His socks, His new wife asked, "Ewww - what`s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off His pants, His bride once again wrinkled up Her nose.

"What`s wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They`re all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, Her husband at last removed His underwear.

"Don`t tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"

[dicksbro]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned His father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, `Let`s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink.`

They tried it, and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,

`Let`s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.`

At this point he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

`Look,` she said. `I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.`

[BIBI]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

The Queen is visiting one of Australia`s top hospitals and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

`Oh my God,` said the Queen. `That`s disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?`

The doctor leading the tour explains, `I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn`t do that five times a day they`ll explode and he would die instantly.`

`Oh I am so sorry` said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob.

`Oh my God,` said the Queen, `what`s happening there?`

The doctor replied, `Same problem, better health health insurance policy.`

[Oldfart]

It was in the PT Barnum Wing.

Truly, there is a sucker born every minute.

[dicksbro]

Truly, there is a sucker born every minute.

Yeah ... isn't it great? :D

[dicksbro]

The film board of censors had just viewed a new film of dubious social and artistic value, when the chairman arose and said:

"I believe I speak for all of us when I request another showing of that revolting, disgusting scene with the midget, the airdale, the gorilla, the two naked men and the two naked girls."

[dicksbro]

A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him, "I`ve got this problem."

The psychiatrist asks, "What is it?"

"Well, during the day I`m attracted to women, and for some reason at night I`m attracted to men. Do you know what it could be?"

The psychiatrist reflects for a minute a says, "This sounds like a classic case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hiney."

[dicksbro]

I wonder if living at a nudist resort takes all the fun out of Halloween? :shrug:

[dicksbro]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C`mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you`d throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn`t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there`s you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[Lord Snow]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says there's been a mistake and sends him down to Hell.

After awhile in Hell, the engineer decides he's uncomfortable and starts to make changes. He makes air conditioners, flush toilets, etc.

A few months go by and God calls Satan up and asks with a sneer "How is going down there?"

Satan replies "It's great! We've got all this great stuff thanks to this engineer."

God asks him "How did you get an engineer? There must have been a mistake. You have to send him up to Heaven."

Satan responds saying "Hell no! I love having him on the staff. He's staying right where he is."

"I'll sue if you don't send him up here where he belongs," says God.

Satan, "Yeah right. Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Love it! :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put His name on the group mailbox.

While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it`s quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on His arm and says, `Let`s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...`

He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him,

`What would you say is my best feature?`

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears His throat several times, and finally squeaks out, `Oh, it`s got to be your ears!`

She`s astounded. `Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don`t sag, and they`re 100 percent natural. My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven`s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?`

Clearing His throat once again, Duane stammers, `Outside when you said you heard someone cumming? That was me.`

[dicksbro]

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they writhed in the heat of the moment.

The woman cocked her ear "Quick it`s my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid His clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great" he said "I`ll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping His hand in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I`m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.

"But..but you`ve got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said "The little bastards."

[dicksbro]

How old is your father?

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.

Logic!!
Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds
_____________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
_____________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O
______________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

[jseal]

On a cold winter morning, a wife texts her husband ...

"Windows won't open."

Husband texts back ...

"Pour a little warm water on it, and tap the edges gently with a hammer."

5 minutes later, wife texts back ...

"Computer really messed up now."

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Lol!

[PantyFanatic]

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry ,

he gets weak in the knees,

and he thinks irrationally?


Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a New Truck!

[dicksbro]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[dicksbro]

In prehistoric days, they had no time-telling devices. How did you get it together for a date? You don't know when to be somewhere. You show up at your friend's cave; she's all upset.

'Where were you? You were supposed to be here before.'

'I didn't say I'd be here before. I said I'd be here later. It's barely now. I'm early.'

[dicksbro]

FINALLY..THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

[dicksbro]

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual talk between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter popped the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[dicksbro]

Morris is on his deathbed, knows the end is near; is with his
nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons. “So,” he says to them:

“Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”
“Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”
“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, “Property? The schmuck has a paper route!”

[dicksbro]

As you may know, some people have brushes with the authorities from time
to time on the way home after a “social session,” or a night out with friends.
Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several
beers followed by some rather nice red wine. Although I was feeling jolly, I
still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before; I took a cab
home. Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block, but
since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know
where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with
it. :wink:

[Oldfart]

Making a bit of extra money on busy nights. They probably don't want it back, it would interfere with the insurance claims.

[PantyFanatic]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read


Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.


Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?


Sincerely, Edna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00 which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.


A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those b*st*rds at the post office.


Sincerely, Edna

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Lol!

[dicksbro]

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

:faint:

[PantyFanatic]

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't, I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope! Drank it for him. In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.


:cheers:

[Oldfart]

:cheers:

[Lord Snow]

Some kids just don't appreciate fine alcohol.

[dicksbro]

:wine:

[jseal]

The Master Chief and the Master Gunnery Sergeant

Two old friends, one a Marine and one a Sailor meet in a bar one day (I know it may be hard to imagine either a Sailor or a Marine being in a bar but hear the tale). They began to discuss which of them had had the more difficult and dangerous 30-year career.

The retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant begins: "I graduated from High School and the next morning I was on the train for Parris Island, South Carolina. Following Boot Camp I found myself in a Regiment assigned to the Iwo Jima assault. With my fellow Marines we fought our way to the top of Mount Suribachi.

In Korea I was with Chesty Puller at Inchon, then we fought our way toward the Yalu River. In the cold Korean winter we fought at the Battle of Chosin Reservoir, I ended my career after Viet Nam where I spent 3 months in the Battle of Khe Sanh after stomping through endless rice paddies."

The Navy Master Chief looked him in the eye and took a long draw on his bottle of beer and said simply: "Well, it figures, all shore duty/"

[dicksbro]

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

[PantyFanatic]

I see you've been playing inside OldFarts' brain again, DB. http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-char156.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

[dicksbro]

:Yikes: Had he already shared that one? Sorry! :doorpeek:

[PantyFanatic]

Not that I know of, ....... it's just that kind if thing is what his squeezes out of the grey matter. :nod:

[dicksbro]

Hmmm. He squeezes it out while my just slowly drip, drip, drips. Oh well.

[jseal]

A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since his hearing wasn't impaired, he remained in the Marine Corps; many years later he eventually rose to the rank of general. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the general was inspecting three Marines, prospects for his headquarters staff.

The first was an aviator captain, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the general asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."

The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a logistics Lieutenant, and he was even better. The general asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

He replied sheepishly, "Well, Sir, you have no ears."

The general threw him out also.

The third interview was with a sergeant of Marines, an infantryman. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The general wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the sergeant said, "Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses."

The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the General asked.

The sharp-witted sergeant replied, "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

I see you've been playing inside OldFarts' brain again, DB. http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-char156.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

I wondered where that new voice was coming from. The old voices didn't mind his presence, it gave them time to plot new disturbances.

[dicksbro]

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like
a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[Oldfart]

Well said, DB.

[PantyFanatic]

DB, how come you're welcome into OldFarts head and I'm not? :(

[Oldfart]

We've been in each other's heads for 15 years now. Forgetter working better than the rememberer?

[jseal]

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is Mr. Smith of the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will!"

[dicksbro]

Ah, yes, the power of persuasion is a wonderful thing. :D

[jseal]

A man owned a small farm in Vermont. The IRS determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded the investigator.

“Well", replied the farmer, "there's my farmhand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board."

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."

“Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

“That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the IRS agent.

“That would be me," replied the farmer.

[dicksbro]

Love it, jseal! Cute! :D

[dicksbro]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, explain the dildo!"

He said, "Explain the kids!"

[jseal]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife, tears welling in her eyes, said, yes I remember that jewelry store.

He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.

[dicksbro]

When was the funeral?

LOL!

[jseal]

A drunkard is stumbling through the woods, three sheets to the wind, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He stumbles into the water, eventually bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol!

He asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

[dicksbro]

Cute. :D

[PantyFanatic]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL …

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967.. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? :tear:

[dicksbro]

:rofl:

[Oldfart]

I can relate.

[PantyFanatic]

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim and twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took one squirrel and circumcised him. :yikes: They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :D Love it!

[jseal]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?”

“I'm listening to the music of the tree”, the other man replied.

“You've gotta be kiddin' me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK...” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently on the neck and said, “This ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake...”

[jseal]

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

[dicksbro]

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of Steven Wright’s gems.

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend ... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[jseal]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea.

He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis three hundred and fifty times.

[Lord Snow]

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

that evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keep walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

[dicksbro]

LOL!!! Love it! :rofl:

[Oldfart]

Yep.

[PantyFanatic]

AT THE BAR
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on.
It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, :p


"No kidding... I'm in Government too. :D




Are you federal or state?"

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and twins Deap and Dip.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other 6 children... Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt... were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.


- This Family History recorded by Crock O. Schitt -
[U]Wh

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao:

I've know the entire family most of my life. Just didn't know their relationships. :rofl:

[jseal]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[dicksbro]

LOL! ^^^^ :roflmao:

[jseal]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (http://millionairetv.dadt.com/) while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No”, she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes”
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

[dicksbro]

:boink:

[Oldfart]

:boink:

[jseal]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.
"Oh..." I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, "No, I haven't", and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"

[BIBI]

:roflmao:

[jseal]

http://i.imgur.com/gpALGIH.gif

[Oldfart]

The sad part is that it looks like she's done that before. I dearly hope that it's a set-up.

[dicksbro]

Maybe she was just washing the engine. :faint:

[jseal]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[dicksbro]

^^^^ I love it!

[PantyFanatic]

Sure and begorrah, I understand that. :irish:

[Oldfart]

I'm a "try both and see which one I'd prefer" kind of guy.

[dicksbro]

Sharing some new trivia knowledge mixed with Greek history...


2,500 years ago a slave girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa’-me) was attending a great athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name. In those days the athletes performed naked (believe it or not).


To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.


At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:


“Oh! Limp pricks!”


Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into “Olympics”. Just thought I’d share this new found knowledge with you.

[jseal]

LOL! I learn something new every day. :rolleyes:

[PantyFanatic]

When I was young in the 1960's, I decided I wanted to a be
doctor so I took the entrance exam
to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us was to rearrange the letters PNEIS
into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when
erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.
The rest of us are posting jokes here at Pixies. :(

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: ^^^^ :roflmao:

[jseal]

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer, the Marine says, "Well, we had Iwo Jima."

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."

"Now wait." responded the Marine. "Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway."

The sailor responds, "Point taken."

The Marine then says, "We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!"

The sailor counters with "But we had John Paul Jones."

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality, he says, "The Navy invented sex!"

The Marine replies, "Granted, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women!"

[PantyFanatic]

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?" :p

[jseal]

Woot! :thumbs:

[dicksbro]

Love it, PF! :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A mom revealed a conversation she had with her daughter.

Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and then her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl:

[dicksbro]

Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Madeline' s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken, no yoke!

[jseal]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a Western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now", and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, And pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. but I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys.

[dicksbro]

LOL! Love it! :D

[dicksbro]

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need ... not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Joy of getting older: If I do something stupid, I won't remember long enough to stay embarrassed

[BIBI]

:cheers: great ones db!

[PantyFanatic]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley .”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”

“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, “There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

[dicksbro]

:booty: :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A man on a plane had just sat down and he looked up and saw the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen walking down the aisle toward him.

She sat beside him. Trying to strike up a conversation he asked her
what she was doing.

She said, "Actually I am headed to a meeting where I am the speaker."

He asked what kind of meeting it was.

She said it is a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

He about swallowed his tongue as he thought, "I am sitting by the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and she is talking about that."

She said, "Actually I speak about my own personal experiences. You may be surprised but most think black guys are the best but really it is the American Indian. And most think that French men are the best lovers but I have found it is the Spanish. And the ones who have the most stamina are the redneck guys." She said, "I feel so silly telling you all this and I don't even
know your name."

He said, "My name is Tonto Gonzalez but most people call me Bubba."

[jseal]

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?

His friend, says "Damn! I just joined the Knights of Columbus."

[dicksbro]

Gotta admit, Elks seem to have a good recruitment incentive. But, what can one expect, they do live the "wild" life. :D

[PantyFanatic]

I think they are just more horny.


;)

[Oldfart]

Oh deer.

[PantyFanatic]

You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery but, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal Sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?”

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me*that after having their tonsils out."


:bj:

[jseal]

:thumbs:

[jseal]

I have always had a difficult time distinguishing between “complete” and “finished”, but I recently read an explanation that is easy to understand.

When you marry the right partner, you are “complete”.
If you marry the wrong partner, you are “finished”.

Finally, when the right partner catches you with the wrong partner, you are “completely finished”.

[PantyFanatic]

Wise words http://serve.mysmiley.net/characters/character0091.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net)

[Oldfart]

I have always had a difficult time distinguishing between “complete” and “finished”, but I recently read an explanation that is easy to understand.

When you marry the right partner, you are “complete”.
If you marry the wrong partner, you are “finished”.

Finally, when the right partner catches you with the wrong partner, you are “completely finished”.

Truth.

[dicksbro]

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... only 15 to go ...

2. Ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just on big round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... and cheese. FINE ... it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza.

3. I just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...

4. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some meat.

5. I don't mean to brag, but ... I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... hmmm ... I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70 ... I learn something new every day ... and forget five others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money ... so I woke up and searched with him.

13. My dentist told me I needed a Crown ... so I said, "You bet,pour my over rocks."

14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

"JUST REMEMBER, ONCE YOU'RE OVER THE HILL YOU BEGIN TO PICK UP SPEED." :)

[jseal]

:thumb:

[Oldfart]

Only a little bit close to the bone, DB.

[dicksbro]

I know, OF, kinda struck me that way, too! :yikes:

[dicksbro]

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble* now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther!* I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

This made me smile!

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs*. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

[dicksbro]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"